Welcome Adopting Parents!

By the age of 34, I had a graduate degree, a house, a good job and a few years of travel under my belt. I’d been trying to become a mom for 18 months and had 8 failed IUIs with a donor. I had chosen the donor route because I thought it would be faster, cheaper and easier than adoption. Boy, was I wrong. I took another look at adoption and decided to go for it. Here’s my story.

I was asked to speak recently to a law school class about reproductive technology and the Choice Mom. Other panelists included a gay couple from Paris who came to the U.S. because it is illegal for them to have a child in France (they are waiting to go back until a time they don't have to lie about why they have a child)... a married woman who used a gestational carrier after medical issues prevented her from carrying a child... and a single gay man, now father of two.

After waiting over a year for my adoption to finalize, I’ve accepted that I will never become a mother
through my current adoption program. I’ve learned a lot hard lessons along the way. The only
redeeming feature of my journey? The chance to tell others how to avoid a similar fate. If you are
considering adoption, here is what I've learned:

For many of us, simply having sex with someone we love to produce a child is a great idea. But life being what it is today, women like us, busy with goals and options, have many more choices than we used to. We can delay child-bearing a few more years, generally into our 30s, sometimes into our early 40s. But when things don't go as easily as we would like, and we see the many options to motherhood available to us, how do we choose?

I'm very much looking forward to meeting Sarah at next week's Choice Mom event in Seattle. She's updated me on her journey a few times. And it's a great example of how life can unfold in unpredictable ways. Here is her story.

As we continue our look this month into alternatives to IUIs for women, I wanted to share this story of a Choice Mom I know who is meeting her third daughter today in China.

Choice Mom Valerie offered up these questions to ask any prospective adoption agency before considering them for your single-parent adoption...

As we develop more (largely FREE!) e-books and other special guides for the Choice Mom community, I thought this would be a good place to list everything so far available. This list will grow, so keep checking back.

Back in August 2010, two wonderful colleagues talked with each other in a radio show about moving beyond the "simple" conception options to surrogacy, adoption, embryo donation, egg donation and more. Here are highlights, and a direct link to the show.

This post comes from Vera, co-editor with me of "Choice Mom Guide to Adoption," as she examines the probing questions she and her now-13-year-old twin daughters, adopted from Russia, have been asked over the years.

Writes Valerie: "I've been at a bus stop for a month now.

One of my favorite websites is CreatingaFamily.com, run by Dawn Davenport. Like me, she's developed a comprehensive resource for her community as a labor of love. Hers is specifically designed for anyone building families through adoption, egg and sperm donation, surrogacy. Here are highlights:

I learned that Adam Pertman has started writing an important blog that will address why all of us concerned about kids and family-building should pay attention to adoption issues. Here's what he says about the reason for his new blog:

We worry about being stressed before we become single moms. Then when stress hits big-time, there's nothing to worry about anymore. We're just busy dealing. Here's Laura's story about coping with three major events in less than a week.

To be honest, I never wanted to be a single parent. After watching my mom try to work and raise a family, and being part of a family that often seemed to suffer because of work, I never wanted to raise kids by myself.

I spent part of the morning worrying about my bathmat. Actually my lack of a bathmat. I’d spilled something on it some weeks ago and couldn’t get it clean so I’d thrown it away. I’d been using a towel as a mat ever since. What would the social worker doing my home study think of that?

I submitted my application to adopt a child from Russia on or about December 29, 2004. I spent much of the next year engaged in the paper chase, trying to get documents signed, notarized, and submitted before the Russian government could changes the rules.

It took me over a year to decide to become a single mom. Once the year was over, the biggest concern for me was the financial aspect. I considered the cost of becoming a mother, being a mother, having a sick child.

There are two complete "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio shows that opened up the adoption conversation, now available on our Choice Chat podcast.

It is hard for singles to find proactive friends in the adoption world. This list will help you find the right ones. We don't recommend anyone as Choice Mom-friendly unless they are also open to the LGBT community.

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a great resource for information about foster care adoption. Here are some of the numbers they offered in National Adoption Month (November 2010) about the kids waiting in foster care for adoptive homes.

There are a lot of things to misunderstand about adoption. Test your knowledge here.

It's National Adoption Month. To celebrate I'm sharing adoption stories from Choice Moms, starting with Dannie who adopted from the foster care system.

We hear so much about the agonizing two week-wait process for women trying to conceive. But what about the agonizing wait to hear whether you've successfully passed all the steps involved in an adoption?

I'm hearing from many Choice Moms these days who are stressed because they can't afford fertility treatments, and don't think they can afford adoption. But adoption IS affordable, especially thanks to this grant -- with a deadline of October 15!

The American Fertility Association has a good overview of states in the U.S. where gays and lesbians are welcome.

Are you struggling (alone) with the weight of deciding whether to persevere with costly fertility treatments? There are mental health counselors who specialize in the fertility industry who are here to help you. This is great, detailed advice from one of them.

In National Adoption Month I want to share some of the stories of single women who have become mothers because of adoption.

Adoptive Families continues to be one of the best sources available for women on the adoption path. Here are some great articles they've just announced about helping to educate your child's classmates and teachers about adoption.

I am talking to sponsors about adding to our Choice Chat podcast library in 2013, and perhaps adding a webinar series. We currently have more than 42,000 downloads of 46 shows. Here's what's available.

The relationship between a single woman and her adoption attorney is vital. This person can and should be your strongest ally for finding the placement that works -- and making sure the adoption is finalized in a timely way. This advice was posted to the Choice Mom discussion board by Holly, a wonderful resource for Choice Moms who use the foster care adoption route in particular.

If you're thinking of adopting transracially, or are heading a transracial family, listen here for insight. The experts we assembled at a recent Choice Moms event included two Choice Moms who were raised in transracial families, a woman who parented a young woman from a refugee camp, a representative from Children's Home Society, and several Choice Moms who are raising a transracial family.

submitted by WarnerMom
One woman's search for her child, weaving through many non-traditional options.

Dawn Davenport at Creating a Family had a great radio show about the bumps that can occur after adoption.

Thanks to the CreatingaFamily.org website for alerting me to this great Newsweek article about international adoption, from the grown child's perspective.

Here are some favorite resources about the adoption process. Feel free to recommend your own in the Comments field.

There are some creative and practical methods to adoption, even for today's single. Listen to this insight from single women who have adopted.

Doria is a Choice Mom, midwife and lactation consultant. She offers this Top 10 list for breastfeeding success:

A report by Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, titled "BEYOND CULTURE CAMP: PROMOTING HEALTHY IDENTITY FORMATION IN ADOPTION," was released in November 2009. It is the most extensive examination of adult adoptive identity to date, based on reports from adults who were adopted as children.

Dawn Davenport at Creating a Family is the source I trust for up-to-date adoption information. Here is some of what she's compiled about the various costs of adoption.

I've talked with a few professional single black women who have admitted feeling almost reluctant to take this step because of the long-standing stigma about single black parenting.

If you are considering building a transracial family, ask yourself these questions (as prepared by Children's Home Society and Family Services):

A woman on the discussion board asked whether she would be capable of raising an African-American child, as a white woman. Here is one of the many great responses she got from Julia, whose child was adopted from Ethiopia:

submitted by Choice Mom Kari
When I first learned that adoptive moms can breastfeed, as I was waiting to adopt, I presumed that these must be women who previously had biological children. Instead I found out that you can produce milk even if you have never been pregnant (men can actually produce milk too!). Breastfeeding has so many wonderful benefits, but the bonding and nutrition were the two that made me decide that I wanted to try it.