Someone recently posted on one of the Choice Mom blogs that a friend of hers was intending to have sex with a stranger in order to get pregnant, and not tell the man. Not surprisingly, this made the friend uncomfortable.
Posted May 13, 2010 at 10:55 AM
Sex with a stranger
Hot Topic
I responded that I certainly don't endorse this method to motherhood. It's not a responsible choice. It does happen, often by accident. But purposely carving a path to motherhood this way is 1) not thinking wisely about your own safety, 2) not considering the rights of another human being (who would have every legal right to custody should he learn about it), and, 3) even more importantly in my mind, this is no way to build a healthy, trusting, open family relationship with your child. What story will you tell him/her? Kids have an uncanny way of learning the truth. How do you expect the child will react?
The goal is not simply to have a child, but to be the best mother you can be -- not only with love, but with strong values that will serve your child well.
The friend agrees. Adding: "However, she is already several months pregnant. Do you know of any literature or have any advice on how I can discuss this issue with her? I don't want to lose her friendship but I do want her to know that I don't agree with her choice. She becomes very defensive and thinks I am attacking her when I tell her my views. I want to encourage her to tell the father yet support her throughout pregnancy and motherhood. How can I do both?"
In the case of a pregnancy that is already here, it gets tougher. My personal feeling is that once you have told someone how you feel, and why, it is no longer your responsibility to somehow try to change their mind about it. She already has her own mindset. Obviously your friendship could end over this -- even Choice Moms who put a lot of thought into their decision to conceive or adopt for years ahead of time lose friendships and family because of it. But in time the decision about whether to support her (and her child) despite her choices, or not, might become more clear. It might change over time. It might lead to a full break. I would let yourself live quietly with your inner conflict for now, since you have already expressed your opinion to her, and let her know you need a little time away to adjust to decisions she has made.
Readers, what do you think?
Reader Comments
Posted May 20, 2010 at 4:25 PM
I have no problem with pregnancy via one-night-stands. If a man squirts his semen inside a woman, he tacitly gives it to her. Possession is 9 tenths of the law. If a man is concerned about unwanted paternity, he needs to wear a condom and take responsiblity for his sperm, or abstain.
Posted May 18, 2010 at 5:37 PM
While I don't agree with how your friend got there, what is done is done. She now needs your support and love. What she does not need is judgement. If you want to be a good friend and keep the friendship, you should be there for her without judgement. Single motherhood is hard. We can use all the support we can get. And I'm sure she had her reasons for doing it the way she did.
Posted May 18, 2010 at 4:54 PM
Well, I had my son via DI. However, I was in a place and time where DI for single women was available, legal, and affordable for me. Not all women are in as fortunate a circumstance.
I have no doubt in my mind that I would have done almost anything to conceive a child - and if that meant a one-night stand with a man, so be it. Thus, I try not to judge others.
Frankly, I think the biggest divide for me for "Choice Moms" is those who planned a pregnancy and those who fell pregnant accidentally - not the manner of conception.
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Posted July 6, 2010 at 10:26 PM by Cynthia
This is a very interesting topic. I have a daughter by a man that I only dated for a few weeks. I slept with him twice (with condoms)and as I got to know him realized he had lied to me and was 12 years younger than me and had a criminal history of domestic violence!
I should've asked more questions, but I was on the rebound from another relationship and just didn't do as much detective work as I normally would have.
After "the breakup" if you want to call it that, I found out I was pregnant and I faced a lot of pressure from friends, family members, even my gynecologist to tell the father about the baby. I lost relationships with so-called friends over this and my relationship with my father is damaged because he never met my childs father. I never told my daughter's father about her existence and my daughter will be three years old next month.
I love my little girl very much and my only regret is that I didn't pick out a better father for her. I don't regret having her and I don't regret not telling her father. I truly believe her safety would have been at risk if I had told him about her.
It was painful to realize so many people that I thought were my loved ones were so judgemental and that I was okay as long as I lived my life according to their standards and society's standards of what is right.
Today I am a single mom with a beautiful family and a small close knit circle of people who stuck by me and supported my decision. I'm okay with that.
I feel like every mother who chooses to raise their child instead of aborting or giving them away in adoption is a "Choice Mom" regardless of whether it was planned or simply an accident.