He did the move and I followed, then I started work right away. When I got the call that I wasn’t pregnant I thought the nurse was joking. The embryos had high fragmentation. A good friend at work who was also ttc got her good news the same day. I spent about two months researching my options, the details of fragmentation, getting second, third, and fourth opinions on chat lines (AFA) with doctors, with RESOLVE, with doctors I saw in person.

The next time I tried IVF was Spring 2009. I got OHSS again and I was in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. The embryos looked a lot better this time and had low fragmentation. My dr wanted to try again, on a lower dose of gonal-F and repronex, and we did it. I cried once a day because I felt so alone. I felt like I was being punished for having made the bad choice to marry the guy I'd been with for 16 years and with whom the infertility issues were painful. I did get better at the SC injections. The IM injection of HcG took a few tries, and when I succeeded I called a friend. I think I knew it didn’t work in advance, and when the nurse called I wasn’t surprised.

I was okay until I talked to my mom, at which point her crying led me to cry. I had to suspend treatments for four months at that point because of travel and work.

My biggest fear this time is that I’ll be disappointed; that I’m ‘jinxing’ myself by thinking too much and telling family and a few
close friends about the process. Like I’ll let them down, and let myself down. I want to do something meaningful every day of this
two-week journey, no matter how small it is. Today I asked for something I wanted -- dinner delivered to me by a family member -- and I got it. I went to yoga this morning for the first time in months, and I loved it. I am proud of that too. I hope that I can live these two weeks in ways that are dignified and loving and passionate. That I’ll hope, and accept the outcome no matter what it is. I got through it on those earlier tries, didn’t I?

Day 2
I see that yesterday’s post was a little negative and depressing. Also it was a little emotionless. I’m trying hard not to count on this because i hate being let down. But I have to remember that I am going into it knowing very well that the outcome may not be what I want. Each time I get so excited and each time I feel crazy to have been, and as if the craziness is my secret. The medical instruction to treat your body "as if" you were pregnant helps create the illusion for me.

I think about adoption and worry -- not because I hesitate, but because I don’t know when or if I’d ever have that kind of money or be able to handle the stress of the process. And that would mean the end of the line in terms of a biologically-related child. It’s so unfair that some people can get pregnant so easily and some of us have to try so hard for years. I’ve really never been able to be at peace with that fact, no matter how much I try. It’s a source of great sadness because I’m not naturally an envious person, and I feel as if I’m forced to deal with an emotion vis a vis people I wouldn’t normally treat that way, even strangers.

Day 3
Sometimes I worry that I’m being selfish by paying so much attention to, well, myself during this journey. It’s not like I’m going through this difficult process in the name of world peace. But then I remember the sage Hillel’s adage: if I am not for myself, who will be for me? Before I went to bed, I did some meditation/mindfulness exercises from a CD by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It was hard to keep my mind focused on my breathing--kept wandering away-but it definitely helped me to wind down after a long day.

Day 4
Everything about wanting a baby is weird, but in a wonderful way. How it creeps up on you, how it overtakes your every cell, and how you will go through so much to get one. And how scary it is when it fails. I can’t believe it’s day 4 already. I went for my first long walk in several days, and I was out of breath. Amusing. I know it’s irrational, but I keep thinking the embryos are going to slip out. I wish someone would explain to me why they don’t; I’ve looked far and wide online. I’ll ask my RE the next time I go in.

What would the literature of infertility look like? I’ve seen anthologies of poetry about pregnancy and about motherhood. One edited by an acquaintance is called "Not for Mothers Only." But as I search through it I don’t see anyone writing poems on infertility. It may be a neat topic for an anthology-not just of poems, but of fiction and essays, too.

Day 5
I taught all day and had to sit down quite a bit due to irrational fear of embies slipping out. Then at night I went to a poetry reading then dinner with an old friend who’ll start IVF next month. I’m so excited for her, and I told her I’d be happy to talk about it with her whenever she wants. Like me, she’s bipolar; we discussed how we are going to handle the possibly tricky situation of being on our meds and being pregnant--or trying. Our doctors have been very supportive on this front. I think my meds are the reason I don’t experience as much of an emotional roller-coaster as others do while on this journey. The wait is frustrating precisely because it’s the time when hope is at its height too. But I know it’d be silly to spend all my time thinking about this as well as counter-productive for my work life and my home life.

Day 6
In the morning I had acupuncture, then lunch with my little sister who’s moving to NYC, then had sodas with a friend and dinner at another friend’s. A full day. I had to order more progesterone suppositories because I lost the box I had; this displeased me when I saw the bill for $50. If I’d asked before having ordered them, I’d have searched a bit harder for the box! A friend came over and read a book while I graded papers.

Day 7
So now I’m definitely supposed to be able to feel something and I don’t. I know it may not mean anything but I’m trying to tell myself I’m not pregnant so as not to get discouraged. But I know I will be. I’m upset because last night my well-meaning friend said "don’t you want to try to get pregnant ‘the fun way.' He knows what I’ve been going through, but apparently he really doesn’t get how insensitive a remark like that is.

Day 8
I had the transfer about exactly now a week ago. I had a massage this morning. I’m feeling ok now. I got upset early this morning because I was bitten all night by mosquitoes and I have a moth problem. Also I still have two courses’ worth of papers to grade. When I finished one set of papers yesterday morning I didn’t mind it as much as I thought I would. Now I just have to finish the rest.

I’m thinking a lot about the 2ww. I want it to work but I think I’m more challenged or consumed by the uncertainty and frustration of it not working at all. That I’ll have 3 more of these and they won’t work, and then what? Move to Israel where IVF is unlimited? I wish this wait were less agonizing because I feel like I’m messing it up. What would I like to see happen?

I also had therapy today. We discussed the fact that so many of my projects have involved my fears of abandonment and of lack of agency. That after an acrimonious divorce I’m finally feeling okay about what happened, I’ve mourned it and moved on. But he’s concerned about my articulating what it means to have agency with relation to this process of IVF, and with respect to my career. These are the next projects. I wish there were a singles-doing-IVF-with-bipolar group. Days like these I feel like I’d be the only one in it.

Day 9
I went to seee a movie with a friend last night and I felt so sick afterward. Serious cough, chills. Spent all day today in bed, made soup for meals, a pot of tea. I keep thinking about how I don’t feel anything. Read Kay Redfield Jamison, my hero, her book Touched with Fire. Clearly written by someone passionate about her work and also manic. I have mixed feelings about the idea of diagnosing poets with modern medical labels but she’s not quite that reductive. She reads here the day I find out about my preg test, and I want to go to it because I want to see her in person and because I want to have something planned in case it’s a negative again.

Day 10
Slept a lot, missed Kol Nidre, which I really regret. My friend and former student sings it and how moving she is, every year. Managed to leave the house once, though, in order to buy more yarn, survey my current stash, and frame 5 pieces. Tomorrow I have a ton of work to do and I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve really let this procrastination go on for far too long. I feel nauseous and I wonder if it’s stress or preggers.

Day 11
Slept late but had spent an hour or so online in the early am. Lunch was at a Korean restaurant, by myself, because it’s a weekday and because of all my friends not at work, I’m the only one I know not fasting. The Plan is to grade for an hour and then make madeleine batter then let sit an hour then start cooking and grade papers between batches. Grade more when I get home.

Day 12
Saw a tiny bit of spotting. Feeling optimistic.

Day 13
Feeling IMPATIENT. Tomorrow will be so slow. I almost called my nurse to beg her to let me come in today. Never been so frustrated.

Day 14
Somehow I managed to get through my work and got the call at 4pm. My Dr had left a message and then a nurse followed up. Yes, I’m pregnant! Retesting on Monday. I’m praying it all goes well. I’m thrilled. It’s been 4.5 years, a marriage, several moves, illness, and jobs. Of course some of that time was good but so much of it was stressful, and due to my infertility. I’m ready for this. I want it to work. Here’s to calm and happiness!!