I returned from a primitive island camping trip with another Choice Mom, two dads, and the seven kids we have who have known each other for years. And one of the 30 emails waiting for me from the long weekend was the link to a blog from Kat Wilder, who is trying to understand who Choice Moms are, and why we do what we do.
Posted June 2, 2010 at 7:00 AM
The politics of defining who we are
Commentary from Mikki
The blog is written by a divorced mom who is quite reasonable, has a good sense of humor, and is not strident about her viewpoints, so unlike some, worth the effort in communicating with. I also received an email from someone who wrote to thank me for being inclusive in my definition of Choice Motherhood of someone like her who accidentally conceived and will parent alone, as she values the community and insight she can get from other women in that scary place. (We get scared even when we take years to plan for this.)
Between those two emails, and the camping trip, it seems the universe is letting me know it's time to do another post about who I think we are as a community, what our feelings about men tend to be, and why I am more inclusive in my definition than some like. (I've had women leave my discussion board because they think accidental pregnancy, or co-parenting arrangements with gay friends, or contact with donors or birth parents, should not be allowed. But the nice thing about coining the term "Choice Mom" is that I feel pretty proprietary about my ability to define it. :-)
1. Kat writes that widows and divorcees "don't count" in my definition (and had an erroneous assumption about my inclusiveness about accidental pregnancies). To me, obviously anyone who is a single parent is a single parent and we share a lot of the same stresses because of it. So there is a circle that we are all in. But women who proactively become a single parent from the very start do not need to talk about child support, and tension with the ex, and tremendous loss and trauma for her and child, and custody battles.
We tend to need to talk -- a lot -- about HOW to conceive or adopt, and then how to handle newborn baby boot camp, and then how to talk about the lack of a father, or being donor conceived. Those are very different party conversations so I see no problem in having our own "club" in which to talk about it. It's not a matter of Choice Moms "counting" more. It's about what we need to talk about and finding women in the same situation to talk to -- at my Choice Mom networking events, this website, the discussion board, the podcast, the books.
2. Kat wrote: "If a woman absolutely can’t imagine her life without a child, why not adopt or be a foster mom?"
Because the news, and movies other than Juno and Martian Child, tend to focus on donor conception, it's as if single parents never adopt or choose foster care. It's something I'm working to correct, but it's very slow to get to the table. Most of the Choice Moms I know socially in my community DID adopt. It's much harder for single women to do that. Most international countries, birth parents, and many adoption agencies opt for couples. But women who are determined to become mothers regardless of biology do find many wonderful ways through adoption and foster care. (And I'd love MORE of you to share your stories on this website to help spread the word.)
3. Kat writes: "I wonder if some choice moms feel a bit pissed at men, even on a subconscious level. Morrissette insists on her Web site that choice moms don’t hate men. That’s nice. Yet if a late 30- or 40-something woman chooses to have a baby on her own because she hasn’t found The One in time (in 20 or so years), it would seem that the reason she even had to consider raising a kid by herself is because all the men - aka losers, playas, jerks, Peter Pans, commitmentphobes, etc. - she dated failed her somehow."
There certainly are, honestly, a lot of unhappy dating and marriage stories out there. Women do talk about some of them on the discussion board. And frankly, some women have become bitter because of it (including lesbians whose female partners have proved less than ideal). I don't think there are many adults who have had relationships who don't feel a wound from some of them, because relationships are deeply emotional things and if there aren't scars from a few of them it probably means you didn't get deep enough.
But even more than the stories I hear from women about the "losers" they have dated are the very distraught stories I hear from women well into their 30s whose long-time partners didn't want to have children. So, that's another common scenario...
And many Choice Moms, like myself, were divorced in their 30s and simply didn't want to forge quickly into another relationship in order to have children. In my case, 11 years after my divorce, I was five months pregnant with my second child when I married a widowed man -- who never would have had more children -- and I was very happy I had moved ahead with my life. We divorced last year largely because he realized that he didn't want to be a parent again after all and instead wanted to move into a life with more freedom from responsibility. Did this piss me off? Of course. Has it made me swear off dating again? No, but I'm in no hurry because I have a very full -- aka busy -- life and it's not currently a priority.
4. Kat says: If you’re a choice mom, aren’t you sending a message, however subtle, that a father isn’t all that important -- because if a woman truly values fathers, she’d at least start off giving her child one, not just a sperm donor?
I appreciate the fact that she uses the phrase "however subtle." Yes, I suspect that kids who grow up without a father do get the impression that women can raise children, pay the bills, hold a job, and take care of the house on their own so a "father" (or "mother" in the case of single Choice Dads, who exist as well) is not a necessary part of the equation. But I strongly believe, from the examples I've seen and the Choice Kids I've talked to who are older than 18, that what counterbalances that negative slice of life are very positive slices that would not otherwise exist in the same way and should also "count": "I can do what I need to do in order to reach goals I set for myself. My mom really really wanted me in order to endure the stress she has had logistically. And I can have an emotionally satisfying life even if I don't have everything on the checklist."
5. Finally, Kat asks the commonly asked question: Are fathers irrelevant?
The camping trip this weekend featured two Choice Moms, with two kids each, who canoed in their own food and gear, set up their own tent sites, cooked a majority of the food, and worked side by side with two extremely reliable, responsible, involved dads. One of them scaled trees to hang up tarps and hammocks. The other did a tremendous amount of work scouting the locations in advance, going upstream several miles by river, so that he could escort us in when we arrived hours later. All of us washed dishes, gathered firewood, contributed to the meals and the pre-planning, bought supplies and gear (including portable toilets), took care of our own kids as well as the collective sum of seven.
There is no doubt in my mind that my kids see the tremendous value of men and fathers from those we have actively included in their lives. Can we do things alone? Yes. Is that the goal? No.
The goal I have for my kids is to recognize that we are all part of a community, and when we cooperate as a village and do our share -- regardless of whether it is "male" or "female" work, "mother" or "father" role, "two" or "one" or "four" or "eleven" -- we get immeasurable benefits from it. We are not isolated individuals on an island. We are an interconnected network that is only strong when we work together.
What do you think? What do our children need the most in order to grow up feeling whole?
Mikki
Reader Comments
Posted June 7, 2010 at 12:25 PM
I'd also like to point out this link to a newer blog, which I posted today, about how kids fare in lesbian couple families. Although the sample size wasn't huge, the study points out something that I very much see as a strength for kids raised by many single moms as well: we talk to our kids pretty deeply about things as a whole, and I think that has a strong influence on why so many of them grow up as strong as they do.
Posted June 6, 2010 at 1:09 PM
I think if a woman makes a conscious decision to bring a child into this world, is prepared for it, educated, has a great support system and is able to help her child and support her child through all possible issues, yes it is in the child's best interest. Regardless of marital status what really matter is the quality of the parenting not the quantity. There are many children born into a two parent family with absent fathers that they feel like they never had a father. I am a choice mom and my daughter grew up with more love, support and strong male role models than many kids with two parents. My daughter had a closest relationship with her uncles and her Godfather than what many children have with their own fathers because they never see their father. Everything boils down to good parenting. If you are bringing a child to the world for the best, then it is in the best interest of the child.
Posted June 4, 2010 at 12:07 PM
Jane - I would very much like to write an article about how how unhappily married people should not be allowed to have children; actually, I have touched on that quite a bit in the past in my blog. People often get married and have kids for all the wrong reasons! And I couldn't agree more with you, that not all children are as fortunate as to have parents who really, really want them. I do also agree that good parents are good for kids.
But when you look at some of the new neurological research on men's brains, fatherhood is really good for men, and the kids benefit from that, too. We're denying men and children things that even the best mothering and all the male role models in the world can't quite match.
Nothing is perfect - being married, being single, being a parent, being childfree. But in my experience, those whose fathers were missing in their lives suffer, some a lot, same as those whose moms are missing. I really would love to hear from the kids what they think about it.
Jennifer - You say you've "come to the conclusion that anyone having children is doing so for "selfish" reasons (I agree!) or by accident (there are no such things as accidents; you have sex, you can get pregnant - that's not an accident. that's called biology, and people should know that so they don't get surprised when it happens, even with protection). I don't believe that is a bad thing." No, I guess not if we're trying to keep the human race going. But you lose me on this - "Should someone be prepared by having 2 parents in the home before having a child...maybe, it depends on the person." That's putting the person's - aka the adult - needs before the unborn child's. As I say to Jane above, I do believe most if not all children want a mom and dad, not a mom and a sperm donor.
Julia - I am citing studies, and the studies give a person's race and the dominant race of single moms in the past has been black, I'm not racist by citing facts (and, I'm not racist, period!) It is often choice moms themselves who point out how they are different from the welfare moms of the past, and that to me has shades of elitism - especially if,as most of the choice moms who have chimed in, keep insisting that good mothers make good families - so were the welfare mothers of past studies not good mothers? (and, yes, I know there are women of color who are choice moms).
As I say, I would love to see studies - and I am sure they are being conducted as we discuss this - on what the children of choice moms feel about being raised without dads. I hope they are all as OK with it as their moms are. Really, I do hope that.
Posted June 4, 2010 at 7:56 AM
"without sounding racist, they were taken when single moms were what we used to call "welfare moms" - typically black, uneducated and poor. Now, choice moms are for the most part, as I read over and over again, white, well-educated and well-to-do."
It's very hard to make a racist statement (like that one) without sounding racist, so good luck with that. There are lots of not-so-great, uneducated white moms and I know PLENTY of wonderful, single, educated, financially well-off black moms.
You could have made a point about the socio-economic disparity between the single moms in past studies and the choice moms of today (and I would have even agreed with you!) without resorting to such a horrendous example of racism. The race of these mothers has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
Here's a little hint: if you have to preface a statement by saying 'without sounding racist' chances are someone who isn't racist wouldn't say it.
Posted June 3, 2010 at 11:32 PM
To answer your question...Yes, being a choice mom is in the child's best interest. Being a choice dad or choice couple is also in the child's best interest. A choice mom (dad, couple) consciously makes the decision to bring a child into this world and generally has done a huge amount of soul searching and preparing for this child. The child is loved even before they arrive.
Your question seems to imply that choosing to become a single mother is selfish. I've thought about that myself quite a bit before I had my son and I've come to the conclusion that anyone having children is doing so for "selfish" reasons or by accident. I don't believe that is a bad thing. People have children because they want them. If they have them by choice it's better yet because they are more likely to be prepared. Should someone be prepared by having 2 parents in the home before having a child...maybe, it depends on the person. Society in the past has said there should be 2 parents but there was also a time society said women shouldn't vote. Times are changing. Single parents have the ability to have healthy happy children that grow into happy productive adults just like couples.
A loving family is always in the best interest of a child no matter how that family is structured!
I do want to add that for any parents single or otherwise, it is a good thing to have a support system. I have an amazing family including extended family that are very close. I believe my son is the most loved little boy on the planet! If anything were to happen to me I have no fears for his well-being and that means the world to me. He may not have 2 parents right now, but he definitly has a villiage.
Posted June 3, 2010 at 5:32 PM
I would like to add my experience as the founder of Single Mothers by Choice, an organization which I started in 1981. We have had over 12,000 women come through our organization in the last 29 years, and I can say that there is at least one thing that single mothers by choice or choice moms have which may give the child an advantage -- and that's a very strong desire to have a child. Not all children are as fortunate.
I think the problem with asking if being a choice mom is in the child's best interest is that it implicitly suggests that being born into a marriage is in the child's best interest and being born to a single mother is not. But, one could ask, what about a child who is in a bad marriage? Is that in the child's best interest too? We all know that marriages come in all varieties, as do parents. There are excellent ones, terrible ones, and everything in between. But no one seems to write articles about how unhappily married people should not be allowed to have children.
The truth is that good parents are good for children, whether they are married or single. I have followed our SMC members' stories since we began in 1981. And what have I seen? I've seen that some children turn out really well, some turn out awful and some are in between.
Posted June 3, 2010 at 9:11 AM
Hi Mikki,
First, thank you for your kind words; people can get very defensive and nasty about things, especially on the Web.
And I apologize in my use of the words "don't count" when it comes to including adoptive moms and accidental pregnancies (although, I don't believe there's such a thing). What I meant was that those situations were not, by my understanding of your definition, included in the "choice mom" label. In no way did I mean to say that those moms didn't "count"; of course they do!
And I had planned to address each of these points one by one, but now I think better.
I am not a one-woman crusade to end the Choice Mom Dilemma! (as I'm sure Jezebel or TMZ would present it). I have nothing personal against any mom or dad doing his/her best to raise a family no matter what that family looks like. And I'm so happy that more people can create the family they want nowadays (especially gay/lesbian).
I know the studies of absentee fathers are dated; without sounding racist, they were taken when single moms were what we used to call "welfare moms" - typically black, uneducated and poor. Now, choice moms are for the most part, as I read over and over again, white, well-educated and well-to-do. There is a bit of elitism in thinking that their kids will do better, but in many cases, that's probably true. I do wish there were broad-based studies from the kids' point of view, though.
I worked with a few single moms - one a choice mom, one a single mom who adopted two elementary-school age kids. When those kids became tweens and teens, oh, the drama! They both lost so much time from work (pissing off their coworkers, by the way, and probably their bosses) attending to their kids' issues - and teens have plenty, let me tell you. They were stressed, in tears, emotionally and financially challenged.
OK, that's not everyone's story. But look at what's happened in our economy recently; so many people who felt secure in their jobs and with their retirement funds have gotten devastated by losing it all. Single parents may have an emotional net, but what about a financial net? Because, we can't anticipate what may happen in our lives.
True - married people can't either. But ...
So, I wish someone would answer this: Is being a choice mom in a child's best interest? Not the mom's interest - and please, no need to remind me about how many horrible marriages, divorces, etc. there are out there. That's not the issue as I see it.
The issue is this: Is being a choice mom in a child's best interest?
Because if someone can say, yes, it is, I'll shut up.
Thanks for giving me a forum. I do wish everyone the best; it's a tough world out there, and our kids bring joy, love and light into it.
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Posted June 8, 2010 at 8:50 PM by singlemama_cc
Zandra, THIS is by far the best statement ever made.
"If you are bringing a child to the world for the best, then it is in the best interest of the child."
That absolutely says it all.
#assslap (crap, is that allowed here?!)
PS--I find this site to be incredibly useful, resources and inspiring.
Thank you Moms