Choice Moms naturally think about how to honor Father's Day with their children. Some create their own unique rituals. Some celebrate with grandfathers and uncles and strong male role models. Some talk to sons about what kind of father they might become someday. Some report that their children consider them both mother and father, and sometimes offer them tokens of affection on Father's Day as well as Mother's Day -- for "doing it all."

This Father's Day, as we celebrated with my 79-year-old dad, I was again thankful that my kids have a grandfather to grow up with. I never did. Both of my grandfathers died early in life. One when my mother was nine. The other when I was too young to remember him.

This Father's Day, as we brunched with my parents, I was thankful that I had a father to celebrate with. My grandmother lost her father when she was five. So neither my mother nor my grandmother were able to be strongly influenced by their fathers. Obviously, neither of my children will be either -- although I used a known donor who is an old friend, so they have some familiarity with who he is.

I think about what I gained from having my father in my life, that other family in my life missed out on.

There are certain personality traits that any parent brings to the childhood years that can never be measured or compared. Every parent is so different in terms of strengths, weaknesses, talents, temperament. No one can universally say that "all fathers do this" or "all mothers do that." So it never makes much sense to me to try to apply a particular loss to a child -- as some like to do when talking about the Choice Motherhood path -- because, really, for me it depends on who that other parent would have been in order to quantify what was lost.

We talk about the fact that the most apparent loss to a child is growing up with a single parent, rather than two who love him/her deeply. That grandparents and friends and other caregivers who nurture and protect and care about our child's life will never do so with the same passion that we, as parent, can.

I won't talk about the fact that there are some children raised without that level of care from even one parent, let alone two. The demands of the foster care system are a testament to that.

But with 11 years of learning to understand the Choice Mom path behind me so far, with the strength of my connections to the community during the last several years as guide, I think what I can most honestly say about the benefits of TWO parents to one is this.

When there is one parent, our children are pretty much "stuck" with our personality. And I say that with affection. Every person, every parent, has weak spots -- workaholism, combativeness, insecurities, pet peeves, rigidity, emotional imbalance, fear.

When a child only sees one adult on a daily basis, it's harder for them to see from a different perspective. Not impossible, but takes more time and effort to comprehend that there are many identities to grow into.

In my case, my mother pushed to learn, expand, grow herself -- went back to college when I was in middle school. My father was stable and consistent and generally calm, respecting my own judgment about decisions I might make. I saw both the explorer and the home-body at work, and ultimately made my own choices about the paths I wanted to take for myself. I was a solid blend of the two of them. Much more like my mother in some ways. Much more like my father in others.

I had ways to test myself against the backdrop of two personalities. Not one.

Our children will obviously find their own way, and compare themselves against the example of Mom. They'll admire and replicate some of what they see. They'll find other patterns to admire in other people.

Without a father, or a second parent, in the home, our primarily goal must continue to be not only to offer the best we can offer them as example of a path in life....but wonderful examples of others they can admire and respect as well.

It's a never-ending journey to learn what we want to be when we grow up. And for that we need lots of great Mothers and Fathers to help us all grow.