Posted July 19, 2010 at 4:03 PM by Susan

Everyone must do what is comfortable, my son has an unknown donor and started asking me at age 3 if he had a Dad, I gave the "all families are different" routine and said that we are a family with just Mom and Son (and I answer his inquisitive friends in the same way). I will also give him more age-appropriate information as we go. But he still asks why we are different, so I make sure that I tell him it was MY choice, I tell him that I wanted to have him so badly that I decided to have him without a dad. I tell him that I would like to find a dad and that I am also sad we don't have one. It is important for me to let him know its not his fault. He sometimes says he is angry with me for not having a dad "like everyone else" and I am ok with that, I take responsibility for making this choice.

Posted July 14, 2010 at 10:37 PM by Anonymous

Julie: I wouldn't say that, at least until she is old enough that you are ready to explain what a sperm donor is.

Telling your daughter she has a dad who isn't here could cause her to long for that person, who will never be part of her life.

My mom's comment to me was always that my father had died (before I was born). I spent my childhood missing this person and wondering how I could be a good daughter to him, despite that my mother didn't show me a picture of him or tell me anything else about him. When a new man arrived in my mom's life and wanted to adopt me, I couldn't accept him because of my bond with my first father.

Posted July 1, 2010 at 2:36 PM by Julie

Here's what I'm thinking I'll say when my now 8-month old asks "Do I have a dad?"

"Yes, you do, he just doesn't live with us." And then quickly follow up with the "Every family is different. Some have 2 mommies, some have one daddy, you have one mommy."

Is there any reason why that's not a good idea?

Posted June 29, 2010 at 11:16 PM by Shari

I have really been surprised that my very verbal, very inquisitive son (now 4) has not asked more about his origins. My story is a bit unusual, but basically I was on Month #3 of IUI when I also had sex with a man who had wanted to "help" me get pregnant and whom I had always turned down. I found out after my son's birth who his biological father is but since he's not involved he's basically a known donor. I like to be honest and open with him and I agree that the more comfortable I am with the topic the more he will be okay with it. He asked once about two years ago, but the only related topic lately has been "But how do babies get in mommies' tummies?" I answered that with a basic physiology lesson and have some books reserved at the library to show him. But, I also wonder how to keep it age-appropriate and yet to not dismiss his inquiries. He knows he has always been wanted and that we have a very loving extended family. But, I've also consistently told him in our family we have a boy and a mama. At times he has said I'm his dad too, and I'm just fine with that!

Thanks, everyone for the open sharing.

Posted June 29, 2010 at 8:32 PM by Leslee

I didnt have to really address this issue until my daughter, now 7 1/2, entered public school last year. previously, she had attended a very liberal private school that had a great mix of 'traditional' families, single parents and gay/lesbian couples with children. when she was at the private school, we lived with my brother and his wife-we co parented her! it wasnt until we moved(thus the public school) and the kids at the public school grilled her over why i(mom) only picked her up/drop off at daycare. i answered her with not all families are the same explaining by name all our friends from the privious school and the different families. i ended with not all families are lucky enough to have an Uncle Bear (my brother)! i've reinforced our whole family-uncles,aunties and her grandparents. This has been good for now...but chances are deeper and more pin pointed answers will be needed very soon. I'm very blessed my family is supportive of my decision of having a child on my own-especially the fact i had her at 42.

Posted June 29, 2010 at 3:38 PM by megsmum

Hey Christy!
There is one child in my daughter's preschool who has such a hard time getting her head around why my daughter does not have a Dad. For a long time she would ask me, "But WHY doesn't she have a Daddy?" and her parents, other parents, even teachers would "ssh" her which felt so wrong to not validate her question. It felt like the elephant in the room and I knew it left this child unfulfilled in a genuinely honest question.
What works best for me, and also for my child, is to just simply say that every family is different - some have mommies and daddies, some have two mommies, two daddies, or just a mommy -- which is where my daughter will also chime in "and I have a Momma and a Gramma", which warms my heart. Every family IS different, regardless of the adults who head the family -- not all of us have brothers, sisters, and aunts, uncles ... whatever. The generality of the statement, for me, helps my child also not feel like there is something different that she need explain. We all *are* different and in embracing that, we find a commonality. It"s that commonality I tend to strive to find and connect with when faced with this question.
My daughter and I also make up a multi-racial family so this is a topic we broach and discuss time to time as well - and it is the same response as well. My daughter likens her darker skin in a similar way that one of her aunts wears a prosthesis on her leg or the fact that one of her uncles has already gone bald: each of us is slightly different from the next but we"re all so amazingly unique and wonderful that it need not be the way we measure our sense of self.
I"m in complete agreement that the more comfortable you get with it all, the easier the response. And it may take a couple times of saying it out-loud to a group before it becomes second nature - and I love putting a bit of humor spin on it as well. The nice part, for my daughter and me, is that one child who was so inquisitive about the "lack-o-dad" in our lives took it upon herself to educate others about different families - it was beyond heartwarming to watch!
I think Mikki said it best when she referred back to the lifelong conversation we have with our children and those around us. For me this just a part of my journey with my child, and is truly a small part in the larger picture of motherhood.

Posted June 29, 2010 at 2:51 PM by Erica

My daughter has never asked who her biological father is. He is a known donor, and we have decided not to tell her until she asks and I feel she's ready. He would prefer her not to know until he is "gone" (his words), but I have the final say.

She has friends at school who insist she had a dad, but he died. Her response to them is always, "No... I just don't have one!" She's the only one we know who doesn't have a dad, and she's so okay with it, it's surprising. I have a script in mind for if/when it does happen, though. It goes something like this:

HER: Where's my dad?
ME: You don't have a dad. You have a mom, and a grandad, etc.
HER: But everyone has a dad!
ME: Not everyone. I wanted you so much, and a friend wanted me to have you, so they helped me get pregnant with you.
HER: Who helped?
ME: Two very wonderful friends who loved me and each other enough to give you to me.
HER: But who?
ME: I know you want to know, and it's important, and one day I will share it with you. But know this... you were born out of love.

:)

Posted June 29, 2010 at 11:18 AM by Deborah

I use the line "our family doesn't have a daddy" and launch immediately into what we DO have, grandma, grandpa, cousins, friends, and ask the inquiring child "do you have any of those" and they start reciting their list. A friend of mine used to quote Jesse Jackson as saying "don't cry about what you don't got, tell me what you got." I use that as my guide!

Posted June 29, 2010 at 8:15 AM by Mikki

Christy: As you know, this is very common. That first conversation makes us feel in adequate, underprepared, like we did it "wrong." But this is a lifelong conversation with your child -- and to some extent, others -- as Anne Bernstein (author "Flight of the Stork" has often reminded Choice Moms, in my books and Daddy Question CD and podcast).

In time I think you'll do a great job of keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter. You'll have many opportunities to have talks with her about the little and big things involved with her origins. This gives you a great chance over time to build those feelings of mutual respect that are so important in families.

What you probably need to work on is your sense of protection around others who you sense might disapprove. Maybe this woman didn't, but thought it might be an uncomfortable subject. As Jane Mattes, of Single Mothers by Choice organization, has said at Choice Mom workshops, and in her own work with the community, the more comfortable YOU are with your decisions, the more comfortable others will be -- and eventually your daughter.

Try practicing your nonchalant response, with a little humor to break any potential tension. Simply to let other adults know this isn't something you're ashamed of, or uncomfortable about. Maybe something like responding to the child with your basic "we're a family that has a Mommy, but no Daddy." And then when child is out of earshot, a quip to the nervous parent such as: "I love how curious kids are at this age. And that's easier to answer than 'why is the sky blue.' " Or some such thing. Try a few out at home.

Ladies...what more can you suggest from your own experiences?