from 2008
Sometimes it helps to write things down, and this is one of those times. I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching recently.

My thoughts over the last six months have been about children. The fact that I am single but wanting to become a mum before my body clock says - too late. Well, as always in anything I do, I looked into it good and proper and delved into research material on the internet, attending seminars and reading good books on the subject of donor insemination.

I decided that donor insemination was the best way forward for me as I'm not a person to go out there and sleep with someone just for the sake of it.

Donor insemination in the U.K. has had some modernised views now as they realise more single women go for it. These are women who have not met the right guy, or who marry then divorce after finding out the guy no longer wants kids, or who just can't wait around any longer so decide it's DI or say no to motherhood! A person can have an anonymous donor or a known donor (e.g. friend). But known donors often change their minds and there can be upsetting custody battles once the child is born. Since 2005 in the UK, the law changed, so now anonymous donors have to give details so they can be traced if the child so wishes at age 18. I thought this was good. You are encouraged to be open about a child's origins as coming from DI.

I ordered five books from Amazon and sat down to research about a month ago. Well, now I have got to the fourth book. Written by a woman who has two kids herself. More so than the other books, this book was challenging from the start. It started by saying it would go into detail and if you have any concerns about any chapter/section of the book, think carefully as to whether DI is for
you.

I was okay with the money aspect. Yes I can afford a child. And I can build a good support network of family and friends. And I can find positive male role models to help the child (boy or girl) grow up without their dad. So all boxes ticked.

Then I went on to look at issues of raising a child without a father. There are obvious pros of having a good dad, and cons of having a bad dad, and cons for when the parents spend time arguing/divorce/separation issues. It's better to have one good parent than two bad parents in conflict with each other.

My stumbling block has been the issue of choice. I would be choosing to have a child by DI and I know I could be a great mum and raise a child well. But...and here is the big but. Can I take the choice of having a dad or not away from my child? That is, my child would still love me and be glad to be alive on this earth even if by DI, but I would have taken the option of having a dad
away from the child.

It's a difficult one, as many children grow up very well without dads around.

But they at least have a choice of knowing their biological father, more often than not. A DI child has no such option until aged 18. But really, only for identity purposes. What if the child at 12, going through puberty, really wants to know their dad? I, the mum, would be the one that took that choice away.

I can't do that.

So here I am. Very very upset, but facing up to this reality that I may not become a mum. It hurts a
lot.

I know I was meant to go through all this. I needed to go through the emotions I have been feeling.

Editor's note: A few years later, and Diana has new thoughts to share. That will come in the next profile.