A few years ago a producer for noted conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly called to test me for a potential debate with his boss about why Choice Moms dislike men. Maybe it's because I was pretty easy-going in my responses, but I was never booked for the show. In his recent remarks about Choice Motherhood, however, I see he still has a bug up his
Posted August 16, 2010 at 12:10 PM
What Matters to Our Kids?
Commentary from Mikki
... telling him that in raising kids on our own, single women diminish the role of father.
I've responded to this already on my guest blog for Fertility Authority.
I commented on a Parenting blog about the O'Reilly vs. Jennifer Aniston discussion, after Christine Coppa (who I've interviewed for Choice Chat about her accidental plunge into single parenting) remarked that she does wish she had a father for her child.
And I've even responded to a research report that implies that donor-conceived kids suffer.
But you know what? I'm tired of defending single parenting. Because when you think deeply about it, there are SO MANY influences on every individual that have absolutely nothing to do with family structure.
There are so many pivot points in a life that is truly lived, warts and all, with successes and failures and losses and friendships and mentors, that the fact of having a second biological parent, or not, is less consequential than we tend to think. It's as if we define a child's evolution by what they don't experience, rather than what they do.
I've never said that it doesn't have an impact to lose a parent, or to not have a father, or to be adopted or donor conceived -- or to move, or miss a beloved grandparent, or have a parent suffering from long-term job loss or alcoholism or abusiveness. But to think that everything revolves around one aspect of our lives is truly diminishing the individual capacity to evolve and mutate and find passion and happiness in an infinite variety of ways.
I call them pivot points.
When I think back on my own personal life, my relationship with each of my parents, and the two of them in combination, certainly has an impact. But it's not the fact that they were both together parenting that shaped me. Here are a few things from childhood that did have an enormous influence on who I am today:
- When I was quite young, and my parents took in some visiting gospel singers on tour, my neighbors said some very racist things that struck me as not making any sense. My intolerance of narrow-minded people took root.
- In my view, my parents did not have a strong relationship, although they've been together now more than 50 years. But individually they gave me two gifts. My mother went back to college when I was in middle school, which genetically or environmentally infused me with a love of learning and embracing new challenges. My father was my non-judgmental, steady presence who supported my choices and gave me the confidence to succeed.
- I was innately drawn to writing. Poems and plays at first, then "pretend newspaper reporter." I burst into tears of joy when I got my grandmother's old typewriter as a Christmas present. Eventually I started school newspapers and got a job on the community newspaper at age 16, which had a huge impact on my future career. The first real person I interviewed, for a school paper, was a Holocaust survivor -- my mothers Humanities professor -- which helped me see the power of stories.
- In seventh grade I was ejected from a clique. In ninth grade I met a non-mainstream classmate who is still one of my closest friends, 35 years later, because he helped me, eventually, feel comfortable living non-traditionally.
- I grew up in a neighborhood of boys. Again, whether genetic or environmental, I grew up comfortable hanging out with people I don't seem to have much in common with. And engaging my energies largely in isolation, immersed in reading and writing.
There are many other influences on my list -- some positive, some negative. But what my list tells me is that I've been shaped by experiences, moments and, in my case, many non-family connections -- despite growing up with two loving parents and a protective younger brother -- that have everything to do with who I am today. Why it is that society tends to think, in our post-nuclear family age, that one mother and one father carry with them the full package to a child's development, baffles me. Even if we grow up with one parent instead of two, why is there the expectation by some that the child will curl up in a ball and never fully evolve? Why don't we count as important the various traumas and joys and connections we make outside our family home?
This is not to devalue our roles as parents. Obviously in our daily life we plunge into the role because it's part of what makes US feel whole. But down the road, when our kids are grown, they will look back at the moments and rituals and networks we created with them as part of a much bigger canvas that shapes who they are.
It is a sad fact that the children we devote ourselves to are always busy marching step by step into their own life. We succeed best when we build the village around them that gives them the confidence and security to walk away from us, on their own two feet, capable of learning from success, failure, loss...and pivot points.
Think about the pivot points in your own life. Take a moment and write down, in private or by sharing here in comments field, the Top 5 pivot points of your younger life that are at the essence of who you are today. Let's see if my theory is correct, that our own individually formed and innately driven pivot points come from a diverse set of experiences and people. (And it's okay to list family experiences too :-)
Mikki
Reader Comments
Posted August 27, 2010 at 2:38 PM
Kay - I especially enjoyed reading your response! That is so true for me as well! Although I am 36 now and probably fall into the "obvious" category, like you, I have often felt that what I wanted in a partner was mostly someone to share experiences with. I enjoy being single, and while I would like someone to share things with, I long since stopped "waiting" for someone else to come in to my life to make my life a complete and fulfilling one. Becomming a SMC is one of the last things that I have wanted to do, and have "waited" for. And like the posts of many women I've seen here, I wish I had come to this point sooner.
I am in the "thinking" stage currently, but with every post I read on this wonderful website, I become more and more convinced that this is something I CAN do, and not just something to daydream about.
Posted August 22, 2010 at 8:48 AM
Loved reading all the comments on this blog! I became a SMBY almost 2 years ago and feel very strongly that it's not about what my child doesn't have, but what she DOES have! I very much like "Everyone Matters". Given the varying family dynamics today, she certainly is not and will not be alone in telling her story. I am so thankful that the option is there for a single women to conceive and wouldn't change a thing!!
Posted August 19, 2010 at 7:16 PM
I'm a single mother by choice - and I'm 30. I took the plunge and started the conception process when I had just turned 28. So many people have asked why didn't I wait, that I could still have found a man to marry and have a family with the traditional way. I mean, when a women is 38 and tries to become a SMC, it's an obvious explanation that she's doing it this way because she's run out of time to find a man (regardless of how true that may be for any individual woman). But at 28? That obvious explanation doesn't wash so people get more nosy and more judgemental.
I don't regret my choice. I had my reasons and I'd choose exactly the same if given my time over. I cannot imagine being without my amazing daughters; they have brought so much joy and happiness to my life that there are no words. Do I regret they don't have a daddy in the house? Of course. I regret I don't have someone to excitedly share this wonderful new parenting gig with. But what I'm missing is the fairytale fantasy of a perfect husband and father. In reality, such men are rare. Just like perfect wives and mothers are rare. And I don"t miss the hard work of haveing a real man to deal with - for me /personally/, the difficulties of dealing with a male partner so far outstrip the rewards it isn"t funny. Frankly, I"d rather just have a male friend shareing the house than a husband shareing the bed. And I don"t know any man who"d want to do that.
There are many things that will impact on my children"s lives. I can"t give them all the good things I had (I had two parents who are still together) but I hope they escape some other things I had (a brother lost to cancer when I was 6). Life is not something we can control and in the end, we make the choices we feel are best - initially for ourselves and then for ourselves and our children when we have them. And then we deal with what those choices result in. You may disagree about my choices but that"s not the point. They"re my choices. My life, my children, my way. If we"re happy, healthy and bringing more joy into the world, why do you care how we do it?
Posted August 17, 2010 at 3:17 PM
I disagree; on the contrary, I think fathers, like mothers, are quite important to the healthy emotional development of our children.
Little boys learn how to be men from observing their father from a very young age. Both boys and girls learn a great deal about relationships by seeing how their mom and dad interact with each other. This helps them choose a spouse and ultimately helps them have successful marriages. And for girls, there's nothing like being "daddy's little girl".
I had a child on my own since my biological clock was ticking and having a child was very important for me. And I'm glad I did; my daughter is the love of my life. However, I pursued my plan eyes wide open; I realize that single motherhood is not the ideal situation to raise a child.
Arlene
Posted August 17, 2010 at 8:40 AM
I've been revising the title to this article quite a bit since I wrote it. At first the "Why Fathers Don't Matter" was designed to get attention enough to prompt response, which it did. I changed it to "Do Parents Matter?", and then decided that had an answer that was too obvious. I like Melissa's thought about "Everything Matters," which is really the point (why do some narrow everything to one mother and one father)...but suspect it isn't compelling enough for people to read further. So I'm trying "What Matters to Our Kids?"
Posted August 17, 2010 at 4:23 AM
My father matters to me, and he's been a hugely influential factor in my life. He helped to create the woman that now can embark on single motherhood, and knows that as long as he is alive she'll always have someone to turn to. Our experiences of life also shape our beliefs on what matters and not. Maybe we've been luckier than Bill O'Reilly because our life experiences have taught us the value of nurture.
Some of the pivotal points in my life have been:
- growing up with three pairs of granparents (because of divorces and deaths that led to remarriages). It was never questioned in my family whether the biological ones were more important than the non-biological ones, I was just lucky to have more.
- my mother died when I was 20. I still consider myself luckier than most people for having had such a wonderful mother. It's quality rather than quantity that matters when it comes to parenthood.
- I had an extremely difficult relationship with my father through my teenage years, we were constantly having the most horrific arguments. But he never stopped supporting me because he disagreed with my choices; and I also supported him in his choices. Paternal and filial love is unconditional.
- I went to University and then to do postrgaduate studies. My parents never questioned whether my sisters and I were going to University. That was a given, we had to have careers to support us financially. At the same time, they never seemed particularly bothered by my constantly high grades at school. Learning matters, but not how it's measured.
- I fell in love with a woman. I realised I'm more inclined towards women than men, romantically and sexually. I still think of myself as bisexual though, because the relationships I had with men before that are also a cherished part of the woman I am now. We are complex people and need to accept that complexity in us.
Posted August 16, 2010 at 11:00 PM
I agree with most of the article but also agree with the comment about the title being a bit incendiary. I do think father's matter. Case in point, my biggest pivot point in my life was losing my dad I survived growing up without a dad and with an abusive and alcoholic mother, but missing my dad and missing out on a dad to me wasn't about having a male and female role model rather than the fact that my dad was the sane one and our lives would have been better on so many levels had he not passed.
My other childhood pivot points are all a direct result of my dad dying.... moving to the US. Meeting my childhood best-friend. The day I was called to the principal's office to be asked "is anything going on at home you want to talk about". etc.
I did not have an uneventful childhood. I went from living a life of safety, financial security and privilege to living in abject poverty. I pretty much raised myself after coming to the U.S. and while not having MY father was definitely a problem, not having A father was not.
Still, I think having a two parent family is ideal...or having some sort of partnership be it a marriage or a grandparent, or a best friend or someone who is going to be there for the long haul til the child is grown and off to college. However, I see the reliability and stability of that partnership as more important than the gender or status of the partner. I think children need role models of all varieties but I'd rather there be no father in my child's life then one that may or may not stick around or one that I married because my clock was ticking and I wasn't thinking clearly.
I think children and humans in general are adaptable and will survive regardless but I also think a lot of it is chance. I was blessed not to be cursed with alcoholism (unlike my brothers) and I was also blessed by chance to stumble upon a good friend whose mother filled the vacuum of parenting and love. I did not seek out these things. They came to me. It was luck that made the difference between me being a success versus my brothers who struggled growing up and who struggle still.
Posted August 16, 2010 at 9:54 PM
This is one of the best blogs (and response threads) I've ever read. I am a very happy SMC of a 21 month old son and I've never responded to a blog before but because this one has had several very intellectual and beautifully stated responses I'm happy to contribute. I agree with bits of what each person has stated, starting with the fact that I did not like (or agree with) the title of the blog post. I found it to sound very defensive and, actually, not really reflective of your full message, Mikki. I absolutely agree with you that there are many influential life events that help to shape a child's life beyond the family structure, but having a good father does matter and individuals' ability to identify a good father (be it the child him/herself, spouses/ex-spouses, others, etc.) is not always clear or is potentially subjective. My mother died when I was a toddler and my father did his best to do a good job with what was on his plate, but his evaluations as a father would vary a great deal according to who is being asked. That being said I had a remarkable sibling network, extended family, and parental figures in my life that helped to shape me into what I believe is a happy, well-adjusted adult. Included in the picture were many wonderful male role models, sometimes this included my father. I very much want my son to grow up around wonderful people, men and women, who inspire him to want to be a good person and share love with others.
Posted August 16, 2010 at 9:29 PM
Instead of "Fathers Don't Matter," I think it should be more like "Everything Matters." In some way, big or small, each thing that happens to us in our lives makes us who we are. Isolating any one factor, and making it more or less important than it really is, just distorts how life really is. It might be good for catchy headlines or TV talk shows, but it's all not very useful for those of us who are seeking the truth.
Posted August 16, 2010 at 7:24 PM
A very good angle that is seldom talked about - yes, in an ideal world everything would be perfect and sunshine and roses for all of us. We'd all have two super healthy parents in a perfect marriage; no one in our lives would have any mental health issues; our physical health and body parts would all be perfect; we'd never be teased by mean kids; we'd never lose a job or struggle financially.
One of the most enlightening experiences of my life was when I was going through fertility treatments and found out I couldn't have biological children. Probably one of the worst things ever to happen to me. I was devastated, angry and in so much pain. I grieved and grieved.
Then that part of my mind that seeks survival and the need to move forward in life started actually looking around for others who had suffered greatly. I started seeing people who'd gone through awful divorces, experienced infidelity, lost a child, had a child with a serious illness, lost a sibling, struggled with a disease, lost a parent at a young age, were emotionally or physically abused. Everywhere I looked were people who had suffered through something awful. Rather than asking why me, I started saying why not me.
This gets back to what you're saying - everyone has different things that impact their lives and make them who they are today. Did Bill Reilly have a father in his life? If so, was his dad a great one? I'm sure many have seen the video of him when he worked at a news show and was screaming obscenities, thinking the cameras were off. A proud moment for his parents I'm sure. Jeffrey Dahmer had a dad - and look at how great he turned out! ;)
Yes, fathers, or mothers, only have so much impact on how a person turns out. If our goal is to raise happy and healthy, self-sufficient individuals who lead good life, I do not think a father is necessary for that, any more than I think a mother is or grandparents are.
Posted August 16, 2010 at 7:23 PM
I really enjoyed reading your point of view Mikki, and I agree with what you"ve said. Whether a family consists of one mom, two dads, a mom and a dad or a grandmother or aunt is really immaterial. As a lesbian whose family is largely made up of conservative Southern Baptists I've heard a lot of different reasons about why they feel it's wrong for my partner and I to have a baby. Not having a father for our child is almost always at the top of the list. But my experience growing up in a "traditional" family, with a Mom and a Dad, has taught me other lessons about what is most important when it comes to parenting.
My Dad was not a strong presence in my life growing up because he worked a lot of long hours. When he wasn't working, spending time with my brother and I was just not a priority. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed a lot of material comforts as a result of all his hard work but I missed out on the relationship, which in the end is what people mean when they say that "kids need a Dad." The message that I carried as a result of this was basically that I wasn"t very important. The truth is, kids need parents who are available to them. They need someone to show up when they have a basketball game, or to listen when they have a problem with a teacher.
My partner has two children from a prior marriage. As a co-parent, I have 15 years of experience raising kids. It"s often been hard to find the balance in my own busy life and there have been many days when all I want to do after being at the office is to come home and stare at the wall. But the reality is, the kids need our energy, love and attention more than anything else. Kids suffer when they have a family that is not emotionally available or invested in their lives. Who makes up that family is not what is important. Whether there are more males than females, if there is one parent or two, if the relationship is tied by blood or not…none of these issues are nearly as significant as the quality of the family and their relationships with each other.
Posted August 16, 2010 at 7:18 PM
Mikki -
I agree with the last poster.
I realize the there is a benefit in having a "shock and awe" value to a sound bite and you have accomplished that. But your continued statement is not consistent with this soundbite. Therefore, the sound bite sends a rather negative tone that could put off a fair number of people. It did put me off, and but for my efforts to proscrastinate this afternoon, I might not have read the remainder of your thoughtful and interesting statement.
Although I am very comfortable with my choice to become a single mother (fingers crossed) and support those that have and will, I do think that fathers DO matter. Mine did, and the lack of a father for my child will be something I consider and adjust for as I become a mother. I don't consider that my child will be lacking in love, support, opportunities, etc ... or disadvantaged from not having a father but it is a factor that I will constantly be considering to ensure that my child has all that he / she needs.
If I have a boy, I want that boy to have supportive, loving male figures in his life. If I have a girl, I want the same for her. While I know that I can be a good mother, I cannot be a male figure to a child. There is something about children having relationships with adults of both sexes from which they can learn and grow into happy, well-adjusted adults. As a choice / single mom, that male role model will not be a father per se, it will be someone who fills in for the father role model. I thought long and hard about this as I started the TTC journey. I spoke with my brother and my best male friend and asked them to be that person for my child.
The reality is that men and women are different and have different perspectives, approaches, experiences. One is not better than the other, just different. I think it helps to be exposed to both male and female viewpoints in my daily life and believe there will be similar benefit to any child.
So, those are my two (or more like seventy-two) cents.
Posted August 16, 2010 at 6:06 PM
While I get what you're trying to say, I'm not sure I'd phrase it as "fathers don't matter", unless you're bucking for that spot on Bill O'Reilly. I had a very uneventful childhood, so when I think back to pivot points, they don't necessarily go back to either of my parents. But that may be precisely because they were right there. My main pivot point is that everything is possible because nothing was particularly remarkable so why shouldn't something work out? However, I have always known that I didn't want my parents marriage, and who knows if that didn't help me wind up where I today too.
I have always agreed that no father is better than a bad one, but as I continue on my journey, I more keenly feel the lack of a traditional family structure. My life is very child-centered, and all my home life is centered around the needs of one small boy, and not a larger community. I cook for him, not for a larger family. I play his games and my waking and sleeping is about him and very little about me. My at-home dialogue is about potty and Elmo and trains and cars, and very little about other things. I keep talking out loud so he hears conversation, but frankly I'm driving myself nuts. Now, I wouldn't walk down the street and just pick any old guy up to have a man about the house, but that doesn't mean I'm living my ideal.
And because I used a known donor who is working with a "Daddy" role, it's hard to watch my son melt down as "daddy, daddy, daddy" leaves to go home and will ask for a long time "where daddy go?". He's a perfectly happy kid, but he still really wants that daddy. And he seems more attached to that daddy than any of the aunties I have included in our little circle.
So I don't think that fathers don't matter, but I do agree that there are so many factors that go into raising a child and being raised, that the father might not be the most influential factor.
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Posted October 10, 2010 at 1:46 AM by Thinkingsinglegald
Fascinating. Do Dads matter? Of course. But why is the burden of the "single mother" phenomenon put entirely at the feet of us women? How about all those men out there who refuse to grow up, take responsibility, pay their bills and remain faithful to one woman? I don't understand why we have to defend our choices if no one is going to ask, say, my 39 year-old ex how he could justify 4 overseas pleasure trips in 2009 alone, but doesn't even have $5,000 to his name because "saving is so boring."