Posted September 6, 2010 at 11:33 PM by Leslie

D.Dad
I am so sorry you are feeling so isolated. This is a scary place to be. I hope I can just offer some thoughts that may help. My daughter is 13 so I have been doing this for a long time. First of all. In most major cities there are Daddy and me groups. These are wonderful groups for dads with toddler and preschool age kids. They usually have a weekly meeting where the dads and kids do some fun interactive things. My brother in law found this group when he was the stay at home parent when my nieces were small. If you can't find something like that there are also other dad groups. Look in the social service directory of your local paper or online. I know that attending some group sounds like adding to the burden but it will help in the long run. Its similar to making the choice to get fit when you feel sluggish. Putting out energy will actually give you energy if you stick with it. Its also OK for you to seek out moms groups. You said that your perception is that moms help other moms but don't help dads. I have seen the oposite be true. If the dad lets people know that they need some help most single moms are more than willing to pull them in to their circle. There is also church families. Even if you do not have any particular spiritual life at the moment a very wise person once said that many people attend church for the social interaction more than for the spiritual awareness. Church can be a great place to find a support system. Finally-I know its down the road but when your child is in school-even preschool, volunteer. The best place to meet other committed parents is to go to places that show you are a committed parent. I know it may sound overwhelming to add anything but you have to plant a seed to get a tree!
Finally, I want to offer a bit of tough love. in one of the posts you said: "one example recently for me is the offer that i come to their house and leave the kid there. Not a bad deal in all, and i guess its all a matter of what youre used to, but i think it misses the psychological aspect of a kid's life who only has one person in it (the single parent). for example, (i can only speak of my life, so pardon the me me me) i have a young kid who has had a family member ripped away (in their eyes) and they wont see them again anytime soon. what they need is people to be a part of THEIR life, not to simply visit other's places, and see other's ways of life.". I understand what you are saying but sometimes we need to adjust our expectations to get what we need vs what we may want. Think about your own life. Adding another child to your already rediculusly busy evening may feel a lot more doable then leaving all of the things you need to get done to go to someone elses house. Sometimes we have to be willing to take what help is available. Plus kids are amazingly resiliant. Toddlers sometimes struggle with things that are not part of their routeen but change is inevitable and something they have to learn to tolerate in order to go to school (as early as 2.5 for preschool). Hanging out with another child and getting to play with their toys can be fun too. When my daughter was young I was trying to finish my BS degree. A friend of mine kept her while I did this. She became a part of that family too. We gained a set of chosen family because of it. There is no way this friend would have been able to come to my house. My daughter also learned to share because she spent a lot of time with two other small kids. She got many positive things from this experience. Be willing to expand on your ideal. Not even two parent households get the perfect sitters or the perfect family relationships. I keep wondering if you are actually frustrated with some family members for not steping up to the plate. If that is part of the situation you are so not alone. I have a very small family but I thought the family I do have would have been the ones to offer to come do the dishes or watch her for an hour so I could get in a shower or pick up groceries when I had a sick baby and was down to eating canned greenbeans for dinner. Unfortunately It has mostly been the kindness of friends and aquantences that have become friends that I have been able to depend on. Yes, to answer your question, I did talk to my friends and family before I concienved but promises are easily broken. I hope some of what I have said helps. There is a lot of joy in store for you so hang in there. On those bad nights remember that you are not alone and that this too shall pass! Trust me. He will be headed for high school in the blink of an eye. The memory of those sleepless nights will be a fond memory (and fuel for when you need to play the guilt card). Ask for what you need but be willing to take what you can get (within safety and reason). Hugs

Posted September 6, 2010 at 3:54 PM by Leanne

d.dad, I totally relate to your "being alone with a small child is not the same as the alone that one of a two-parent family can feel on their alone days" etc...

But I must question your attitude towards single moms by choice... I am not sure that 1) most single moms are single by choice... I think they are mostly moms by choice as they are single by default much like you and 2) that making a choice to do something means that we shouldn't expect or deserve as much help or sympathy.

Personally, since I was 4 yrs old I expected to be in a life partnership and within that be a mom. But time and time again I had relationships that didn't work out, or the other person decided that having a child wasn't a life goal for them. And it was the one thing that I answered a therapist "what would you regret if you died without doing it". That was "be a mom". At 32, I would only date people who wanted to be a parent. That cut out a lot of the dating pool. At about 34 I realised that if I took 2 yrs to meet someone, I should wait 2 yrs into the relationship to make sure the relationship was going to last and be stable before attempting to get pregnant... after all what sort of a parent are you if you say "hey, marry me tomorrow and get me pregnant!"... how stable a relationship is that to bring a child into? As a child who lived a parental divorce, I would say that bad parental relationships are worse than a single parent.
So I realized that if I didn't start trying to get pregnant soon, I'd be too old to be a mom... what if I didn't meet someone til I was 40? Start trying for my first pregnancy at 42? 44? What if the relationship broke up after 2 yrs and I mourned for a year and then took another 2 yrs of dating to meet someone else promising... ???

You can see that women realize quickly that they can wait for chance to bring them love at sometime between 30 and 80, but they must make a choice to be a mom if they are going to have it happen. So I made a choice to go for parenthood first, and then hopefully sometime during the process I'd meet someone to be the other parent.

The CHOICE was to parent, the choice to have a relationship was not a choice, it was luck out of my hands. I don't think most of us choose to turn down compatible partners in order to be bravado single moms.

Which brings us to 2): if someone choses something, should they get no help. If someone choses a job, or to climb mount everest, or to go to law school... do we expect them to never need help or support? After all, you could chose to be unemployed, or stay home or get a job at Loblaws instead of getting a degree. And then you wouldn't be bitching about getting to work, working overtime, workplace harrassment or unequal pay, or freezing toes or blizzards, or university debts, or no sleep from studying for exams.

Funny, we help people out all the time who have made choices that overwhelm them. And we could always say that people who got divorced or dumped with a kid by their spouse CHOSE to marry that incompatible unreliable person. They should have chosen someone who'd stick around... I didn't make their bad relationship choices for them. Maybe only those who lose their fantastic spouses to death should deserve help with their single parenting???

Anyways, I personally DID expect friends and neighbors to help me... and I helped them out with their kids. But I was infertile and my friends' kids are now in university and the friends have moved away for jobs etc so they cannot reciprocate. The neighbors whom I babysat for when I was childless have moved or divorced and left etc... It wasn't my choice to take 10 yrs longer than my friends to have kids (I ended up adopting) so that they are gone on five day skiing trips with teens while I am pushing a baby carriage through snow banks...

Just some thoughts.

And other than that, I am so with you on how hard it is to build a support network once you have no time. When you are tired, angry, behind on everything, no time, no patience, however are you going to start groups, advertise, organise, write blogs, get out to social events etc? And even if you do, what are the chances that the people you meet there don't also have to go home to put their kid down for a nap and attack piles of laundry and dust and cook at their own homes. Even if you do find you have some affection and desire to help each other beyond just the common thread of having a 2 yr old? Best of luck. It is hard, and people seem to come up with the stupidest of facile answers.

Posted August 31, 2010 at 12:44 PM by Cyndi

d.Dad - wow, your post from 1:35 today says a lot, and I think it speaks highly of the stress you are enduring from feeling so isolated. I wish I had a quick fix to offer, but I'm struggling with that very question myself as I'm considering this - is my support group developed enough that I can do this? And truthfully, I don't know the answer. I don't know that anyone can until they are in that situation for themselves. And sadly, it seems that you are not getting a lot of positive help from your support group.

I have to admit, even though I thought the support I've been able to find for single moms was pretty anemic (especially in the South, where I live), I've seen nothing about single dads. And that is a pretty sad commentary.

I'm sure extra time is not something you have much of right now, if any, but it seems like just being able to talk about the difficulties you face and the questions you have helped you some. I know being able to read and talk on this website has helped me a lot. Maybe as your child gets older and becomes a little more independent you could start a blog of your own for single dads. I know that doesn't help you in your situation currently, but who knows, maybe you can extend that shoulder for another single dad to lean on in the future.

Good luck!

Posted August 30, 2010 at 3:23 PM by d.dad

thanks for the replies guys. i appreciate your thoughts, all of them.

if the host doesnt mind, some replies:

1. kali, i think things in life are a lot less unconditional than we may want to think.

2. i dont mean to play the gender card here, but i have seen, quite clearly, a lack of empathy for single fathers. from conversations to actions, there seems to be an idea that moms need help, dads dont. like it or not, thats exactly what ive experienced. that is, moms relate to moms, and what you all went through to even had a kid (childbirth) is so insanely hard that there is more sympathy enlisted, for good reason. but that doesnt mean that women feel empathy for me.

and that empathy doesnt count for much. but it does illustrate just how isolating it is to be a single dad.

although its impossible to talk about the relationship here (because you dont know them!) i can simply say that in a normal friendship/family tie, you would expect more help- a lot more- than what i get. i see moms offer help to other moms- but never to a single dad. many reasons for this, not all bad.

3. a question from Kali: what wouldnt i do for my kid?

i wouldnt become mentally ill for them. i woudnt become sick for them. thats about it.

i risked much to be with him. a long story, but true nonetheless.

4. dont focus on my use of the word burden. this is a difference in nomenclature. if i felt that bad, id give him away. i feel more like Kali when she said: "I can't help but think that in some backwards way, he was given a wonderful gift. He gets to raise his son."

my kid was born abroad in a situation that wasnt so good. i got him here and it was brutally difficult. i fought in ways that most people would (and have) quit early on. my love for my kid is spiritual. no amount of hardship will make me give up.

which i guess is why im trying to reach out and hear what others are going though. im screaming, but dont hear an echo. your replies, no matter what you say back, feel
so good.

5. Kali: "Being left isn't a good situation for man or son, but being left with full custody seems to be the best of all bad situations for the man."

i really appreciate that.

6. Cindi: "And I am unwilling to take a partner who is less than right, just because I am afraid of facing life alone, or of living with societal disapproval."

powerful line, that one.

7. "Any parent needs help some times, and anyone they ask may turn them down. How is that different than other people, even those without children?"

its not that a single parent gets just the amount of work the other WOULD do, its exponentially more difficult given the mental toll of being alone, being alone with a kid, and having no place for the excess energies (from the kid) to be redirected towards. its not just a matter of doing more diapers during the day. its a non-linear curve, much harder as it goes along with no break. in the issue of support, getting no support makes it bad, worse and worst.

last night, after a 6.30am wake up, and a 2 hour nap- he went to sleep at 9.30pm (late for him). for the last story of the night at bedtime, i felt like i was going to absolutely lose my mind.

8. kali:"My intention is not to judge, but as his son is only 2, it clearly has been a relatively short time since the child's mother has been out of their lives. It sounds to me like he is hurting and feeling overwhelmed, and maybe needs to "vent"? Otherwise, why bother to comment on a site like ChoiceMoms?"

spot on kali. i am overwhelmed and am sounding out my sonar to hear if others feel the same. its never really identical, and thats ok, its just the emotions that need a sounding board. its the emotion that is an x factor. all the rest is sweat and details.

9. cindi: "it is obvious how deeply wanted these children are."

yup. surely not the worst case, by any stretch of the imagination.

10. cindi: "Most of the time, children of divorce go through more trauma than children of single by choice mothers."

id tend to agree, but would love to see real research on this.

11. caroline: "There is a huge difference between a woman selfishly doing it alone, and another doing it alone because they are no other options."

d.dad ducks, awaiting incoming fireballs...

12. anon: "It seems this man who was left alone with his child has not had enough support. This is his unfortunate circumstance and he should not project it onto women who chose to be single mothers."

im not projecting the difficulty of doing it alone. its hard. no psych vocabulary can change that fact.

13. anon: "They have prepared to take on this responsibility."

talk about projections!

14. anon: "I don't think that women who choose to have children without partners would label their children as "burdens".

aside from the label of "burden", if they were overwhelmed, and under assisted, maybe we can use a new word that easier to digest than burden...

15. "It is understood this gentleman had no preparation and it is a concern of mine after reading his message, whether he wanted to be a father or not in the first place?"

LOL how pedantic!

first of all, there is no consensus understanding, so nothing is "understood to be such"

secondly, my intention was to be dad. what difference would that make? if i didnt want the kid, id give it away. whats the point?

dont harp on a word like "burden" to solely guide your inquiry. there is much more to people's method of expression than just a merriam webster definition of word.

"I wish him well." --and i appreciate that anon, and your opinion.

16. ellen: "So I guess my point is it isn't an issue of "deserving" help (which is a judgement in and of itself). It is a matter of what parenting is."

this really stuck in my head. much to think about here.

17. aisha: "But many women/ men do not have close relationships with their families, and with or without a partner it is difficult to raise a child and have this connection missing. I can't imagine it."

it sucks. thats maybe where someone might think to use a word like "burden"...

18. aisha: "...from his perspective that he often has felt that there is a distict difference from the help you receive as a single mother than as a single father."

indeed.

nothing to cry about, but as a point of learning about ourselves as a society its helpful. nothing from that fact will do anything help me in the now, so its right, but purely academic.

THANKS GUYS!

Posted August 30, 2010 at 1:35 PM by d.dad

thank you for the blog post. lots of food for thought.

you seem to be an incredibly wise person.

as i read this, this question seemed to me to be one that got to the heart of the matter vis a vis my post above:

How many of you compiled a support group before your kid was born?

maybe this question misses the point of choice moms- that it was all planned from the beginning.

i think a misconception i have (and it could be seen in my writing above) is that many choice moms werent "choice" to start out with (pardon the pun) but rather made that decision after a falling out, or some kind of stress that made them feel like by themselves sans drama, is better than the opposite.

in my opinion, this would seem to be a big difference in this community, in particular. that is, those who consciously did this beginning from thought of having a kid to the action itself, and with those who realized this later on.

so im curious about this community here. what percentage of choice moms begin the journey knowing full well that they will be alone? i mean from before conception and onwards.

id have a hard time believing that those people didnt seek out a support network prior to birth because there was a comprehensive plan in place from day one. how could someone forget THAT detail?!

but i could envision a person becoming "choice" by circumstance (like me) and having little time, energy (among the many reasons the blogger mentioned at the top to need help) to find a support network. in this case, either the stress gets dumped into the far reaches of our psyche (aka-just bury those feelings!), or the stress gets dumped onto others, who by sheer kindness, or money, help out. there are plenty of examples of grandparents or friends who are at their wits end because they are de facto regular part time babysitters and didnt ask for the job. ive heard many people complain about this. in this case, those who help them simply werent part of the birth and support plan. its hard to expect a person to drop their lives for other people's, even though its noble and right.

i find people will say they want to help, but their version of helping can be different than what we as parents want/need for our kid. one example recently for me is the offer that i come to their house and leave the kid there.

not a bad deal in all, and i guess its all a matter of what youre used to, but i think it misses the psychological aspect of a kid's life who only has one person in it (the single parent). for example, (i can only speak of my life, so pardon the me me me) i have a young kid who has had a family member ripped away (in their eyes) and they wont see them again anytime soon. what they need is people to be a part of THEIR life, not to simply visit other's places, and see other's ways of life.

the kid needs people to visit their play place. see their toys. enter their world. this makes kids feel special to be interested in what they like. no one does this for me. no one helps. and yes, people said the opposite earlier on, namely that they would help. a line of "hey, we're all parents here. we all understand" is the biggest empty meme ive heard lately. but when the rubber hits the road, and the caregiver sees that the kid may be difficult (just a normal 2 year old) and they totally recant and back away, it may not be at that time specifically, but for a future date, they are just are "too busy" to do it again. this has been my experience, and i cant imagine what would be different from my situation than with a single mom's, apart from having more estrogen.

getting a break and having support isnt about dropping your kid off. its about making a community. creating a life for your kid, not simply dipping in and out of other's lives.

so the only resolution i can learn from my own thoughts on this, is that i will help others when i see clear to do so. when im friends with a single mom, i will offer to come over and watch her kid, if only for an hour or two. or come over and help mop the floor, or some other job, unasked for, that would save a bunch of energy. i dont mean painting the fence, but things more mundane and regular. i would probably burst into tears if a family member or friends came over and just offered to help in some way. it hasnt happened yet, and i see no reason why that would change.

theres just no fix to not having quality people around. you cant rationalize yourself out of it. also, if you hurry to find friends, thats usually a bad bet too. and most parents i meet at places like a park, or a music class, are very friendly, but way too consumed to take on new friends.

this is what its like to be alone with a kid.

for me, this is incredibly frustrating, because some parents talk like they understand fully, both kids and parents, but cant for the life of them get their minds around the idea that there is no one else in the kids life. they just dont make the effort to sit and think just what its like to be alone, 24/7 with a kid. parents in a 2-person relationship have so many breaks and opportunities to share work, its not hard to see why they dont understand! like understanding how much just a 30 min break helps. it doesnt just make you feel good, its helps you from going insane. my analogy that i use in my head is a tea kettle. the steam has to be let out somewhere, and regularly. parent couples get that all the time. they can just pop out and go for a walk for 30min. i cant. and compounding the full time insanity is that because youre alone, all the attention/needs/emotions from the kid go right to you. so its not just needing a break from what others experience, its harder than that. dealing with a kid alone is harder.

most people's default mental mechanism is a selfish one. and thats good in the sense that people are predictable. but this raises the issue in my mind: how can we create stakeholders in our kids? school relationships are one way, as school is a strong bond. but in younger ones? how can we make others invested in them, so that they consider the kid, and not just "giving dad a break"? because the one about dad, is easy for others to overlook. but the one about the kid can attach others. i for one, am stumped as to how to get others invested, in a real and trusting way.

Posted August 30, 2010 at 1:32 PM by Kathy

He probably "bothered" to come to this site because there are so few supports for single dads, by choice or otherwise. Honestly, I kind of understand where he is coming from. As an educated health care professional I made a decision to have a DC child. I "thought" was was ready financially, emotionally, physically....I had no idea how truly hard this would be. I already had a son via adoption from a previous marriage but he was 9 and had another parent to help on some level.
I didn't count on a c-section, I didn't plan on a baby with reflux and feeding issues, I didn't plan on a baby with reactive airway, I couldn't have imagine a brain cyst being found at 5 yrs old. You think you have it covered, you run scenarios by in your head but until you have it happen they are just that scenarios. I often felt guilty asking for help. I would say to myself...well you wanted to be a mom so bad here you go....
I was lucky in that I didn't have to ask. My family and friends were all to glad to give me a hand now and then but I didn't feel deserving of it.
And this may be an unpopular thing to say but I do get frustrated with SMC who are not finacially prepared for a child but have one anyway but I have the same frustration with couples too. I know we cannot see in to our future and things happen but to knowingly have a child and then expect that people should help to me is kind of selfish.
All that being said....I am making it and so is the afore mentioned crying baby with the brain cyst!!! She just turned 13 and is healthy and beautiful !

Posted August 30, 2010 at 12:50 PM by Silver

Hi,

I'd very much like to respond to the post by the single dad. Firstly, thanks for taking the time to involve yourself with the choice mom community.

As to your questions, I want to start by sharing that before I started this path I thought very long and hard about my village. I DID plan but I have also found that the people I had planned to be in my village are not the people who are actually ending up in it, which is fine.

But as to the notion that I, having chose this path, am not as much entitled to ask for help from a village of friends, family, and my community, that is not true.

I'm 39 years old and I've watched my high school and college friends and work colleagues pair off, get married, have kids. I'm the honourary "auntie" to dozens of children and even those married couples need a village, and guess who they called for babysitting, picking up their child from daycare when both parents had to work late, etc. I even lived with a friend and her husband for 2 weeks after she had her second child because she ended up very ill and her husband had to work. We ALL need a village, regardless of our circumstance. I could argue "why should I help you, you have a partner and you CHOSE to have kids knowing you both worked fulltime" but that is just silly. Very few of my friends can afford to have one parent stay home fulltime, and even those friends still call on their village for help.

As to the notion that any of my village would refuse to help me, or resent my asking for help, or even feel that I was less entitled to ask for help because I chose single parenthood, that just is not the case. I'm not saying it'd never happen but anyone in my circle who had that sort of attitude would find themselves out of my circle rather quickly. But here's the funny thing...I haven't even asked for help yet. People keep volunteering! I'm the sort of person who likes to be able to stand on my two feet, so the hardest thing for me has not been finding help, it has been learning to let go and accept it.

Choice motherhood is not an easy path, and it certainly is something relatively new in our cultural scene. But I think it is a far more responsible choice than settling for a marriage that isn't right just so you can have kids in the conventionally accepted way. I also believe it greatly ads to our community by creating families that were planned and wanted...statistically choice moms are older, educated, and think long and hard about this choice before going down the path.

I don't expect everyone's experience has been like mine but I do believe very strongly that no matter how you build your family or what shape and size it ends up being, the future of that family is dependent on the community, not just the parent or parents.

Lastly, we are a growing community and one great resource for the village is our community itself. There are many local choice parent groups and I've seen them rally together around families to help them out when they need it. They're also a great place for the children to meet other children who have families shaped similarly.

I can understand where this poster could arrive at his thoughts though. I confess to my own biases. One reason I am a choice mom is because I am vehemently opposed to divorce. I will not marry someone unless I am confident they share my view and that divorce is about as likely as it raining frogs...I find that I have an aversion to 'single parent' support groups because a majority of the folks in them are divorced and I confess to a similar thinking of 'you are the one who married then weren't willing to make the effort necessary to keep the relationship intact so what gives you any right to complain or ask for help'... this is a generalization, and it is wrong, so I can understand how others might generalize and get similarly wrong notions about choice moms.

Posted August 30, 2010 at 12:15 PM by Kali

I find this single dad's response sad on a couple of levels.

First, he is open about the fact that his support is conditional. I know that many women enter into this choice knowing that they will have limited support. But I believe, and maybe rebuttal posts will prove me wrong, that our support systems are comprised of people who love us unconditionally. It is from that place that we get our support.

For example, I don't think it would be my mother's first choice to care for a small child two days a week. But she loves me so much, she willingly makes the sacrifice.

I would venture to say that sometimes people (family. friends, etc.) who do not approve of the choices we have made, do offer, even if grudgingly, assistance. Sometimes they do it because they feel it is the right thing to do. Sometimes they do it because they love us even if they don't approve. Sometimes they do it because even though they might not approve of the method (no husbands), they love the outcome (grandchildren, nieces/nephews, etc.)

I would ask this man - what wouldn't you do for your son? For your daughter (if he had one)? For your sister?

Sure, a couple of people who said they'd help kind of disappeared when I needed them. But for every one of those people, someone new stepped up in ways that I didn't expect. I would say that my support system is way more vast than I ever dreamed or planned.

Choosing single motherhood doesn't mean "never [having] had the intentions of fielding a support team" and I can't see how that even applies. If it truly takes a village to raise a child, I am guessing then that every parent, in a relationship or otherwise, is building a village, because two people (mom and dad) do not make a village. So if a married couple construct of village of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, etc., then why should it be so different for a single mom?

I also am saddened that he sees raising his son as a "burden". Having a child on my own was definitely not in my "plans". My plan was to be a wife (first) and (then) a mother.

But life if what happens while we make plans. But I never consider raising my daughter a burden. Tough - sure. Challenging - without a doubt. But never, ever a burden.

I would also ask this man - knowing what you know now, knowing that your son's mother would soon be out of the picture, do you think it would have been better for your son to have never been born?

Because I can tell him, that I will never, ever be able to indulge in that age old philosophical debate, "If I had it to do over again, I would change . . ." because I believe that if I changed even one thing in my past, it might mean that my daughter might never be, and that is a risk I cannot even fathom.

It's not clear why the boy's mother is out of the picture, but assuming she left them, I can't help but think that in some backwards way, he was given a wonderful gift. He gets to raise his son. He doesn't have to schedule visits, miss out on first soccer games or first day of school or first school play. He doesn't have to spend endless hours and countless dollars in court. He doesn't have to worry about his son being wisked off across country where he really wouldn't be able to see him much if at all. He doesn't have to worry his ex- will meet someone knew and his son will call some else "Daddy".

Being left isn't a good situation for man or son, but being left with full custody seems to be the best of all bad situations for the man.

My intention is not to judge, but as his son is only 2, it clearly has been a relatively short time since the child's mother has been out of their lives. It sounds to me like he is hurting and feeling overwhelmed, and maybe needs to "vent"? Otherwise, why bother to comment on a site like ChoiceMoms?

My heart goes out to him and I hope that he finds some peace around his situation so that he can enjoy the gift he has been given.

Kali

Posted August 30, 2010 at 12:11 PM by Cyndi

D dad - I wanted to respond to your question, at least from my own point of view, because these are questions I am asking myself as I am considering whether to become a choice mom.

I never "wanted" to raise a child on my own. I would far rather have a partner who could help share the burden (and the joys) of parenthood. Becomming a choice mom, for me, would require giving up the career path that I have worked hard to achieve, would mean accepting strain on my finances when I had finally gotten to a comfortable standard of living, and would mean giving up much of my current free time, as you point out.

But I believe a partner should be more than just a person you share a child with - it should be someone you can build your life with. And in many years of searching, I have not found anyone who fits that bill. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's me, maybe it's the world. All I can say is that I've never found anyone who was the "right" fit. And I am unwilling to take a partner who is less than right, just because I am afraid of facing life alone, or of living with societal disapproval. That kind of relationship feeds on resentment and becomes unhealthy for everyone involved, adults and children alike.

But not finding that right partner - does that mean I have no right to have a family, just as many other people desire? I agree that I might ask a lot of friends and family as I embark on this, but there's no guarantee they will agree to help me. I know at least some of my family members may disapprove of this path so strongly that they would not wish to help. And that is their right, no matter how much I may personally disagree.

How is that different from any other parent? Any parent needs help some times, and anyone they ask may turn them down. How is that different than other people, even those without children? No one can live completely isolated from society. My "village" will be there because they want to be there for me, because they have chosen to be there.

To sum up and answer your final question, why people make a choice to do this....
I think it is because we desire to share life with a child so strongly, that we are willing to make substantial sacrifices in our personal lives to make that dream come true, even if the circumstances of our personal lives don't make that as easy for us as for others. The women (and men) who make the choice to willingly pursue single parenthood must, in my opinion, go through so much more to have their child than the many people (sadly)for whom children are merely the unwanted result of sexual activity, that it is obvious how deeply wanted these children are.

Posted August 30, 2010 at 12:03 PM by Caroline

No decisions in life are made completely on your own. Decisions are made based on circumstances. Most choice moms originally plan to get married, but because they aren't willing to settle, they can't find someone suitable and therefore, they don't get married. Should they settle for Mr. Right Now, and risk divorce, just for the sake of not doing it alone? Most of the time, children of divorce go through more trauma than children of single by choice mothers. There is a huge difference between a woman selfishly doing it alone, and another doing it alone because they are no other options.

Posted August 30, 2010 at 11:59 AM by Anon

Apparently, the difference here is that this gentleman is bitter about being left alone with his child--who he refers to as a "burden".
I believe that women here, who are making a decision to raise their child alone do not feel that this child would be a burden, however for some of them, they are desperate to give love to a child. Unfortunately some people haven't found the right partner to have a child with, however, since technology allows women to have children without men, some women want to become mothers and this is what they do. No one is guaranteed that family will rally to their side. It seems this man who was left alone with his child has not had enough support. This is his unfortunate circumstance and he should not project it onto women who chose to be single mothers. Indeed, it is hard to ask for help, but even in that case, I don't think that women who choose to have children without partners would label their children as "burdens". They have prepared to take on this responsibility. It is understood this gentleman had no preparation and it is a concern of mine after reading his message, whether he wanted to be a father or not in the first place? I wish him well.

Posted August 30, 2010 at 11:51 AM by Ellen

The first comment that struck me in this comment is the statement that as a choice mom we don't want a partner. That may be true for some choice moms but not all (and I would guess not many though I have no stats for that). I think there is an underlying assumption that choice moms have a hatred or, at best, a disregard for men. I'm not saying that is the belief of this commenter but I think it is often an unspoken assumption in much of the criticism of choice moms.

For myself, I absolutely wanted to do this with a partner. I stubbornly clung to a relationship with a man I loved mainly because I saw him as my "last hope" to have a child traditionally. Had my biological clock not been screaming I probably would have had the strength and self-respect to get off the emotional rollercoaster of that relationship much sooner than I did.

I often feel sadness that I don't have a partner in our family. I would love to have one eventually. But for the first time in my life I do not feel angst over whether or not I ever find a man to marry. But neither does that mean that the occasional sadness diminish the absolute joy of being a mother.

On to the subject of needing help. Philosopically, I don't think how anyone becomes a parent should make a difference on whether the "deserve" help. Just like I don't think becoming a "choice" parent is any more selfish than a married couple is selfish. The selfish argument is ridiculous to me. Is it anymore "selfish" for me to become a mother because I desire it with all my being than my married cousin? We both have the same desire, are fulfilling the same want. And the reality is that becoming a parent is anything but selfish! It is the most selfless thing one can do because you are choosing to make another human being more important than yourself, whose needs trump yours, whose care and nurturing is your new priority.

That is not to say that parents don't or shouldn't take care of themselves. Just like a married couple needs to take time for their relationship to remain healthy and sane (which ultimately maintains their ability to be good parents) so does a single parent, regardless of how they became a single parent. So why would married parents deserve a night out more than a single parent. Or a married mom whose husband works full time need a lunch with the girls or be able to run errands with out a squirmy infant or whining toddler.

Will people make judgements on my choice to be a single mom and be less inclined to "help" because based on that judgement I don't "deserve" it. Sure. But they won't be a part of my support system. I wouldn't want them around my child anyhow because I don't want my son to be subject to judgmental, critical, closed minded people.

So I guess my point is it isn't an issue of "deserving" help (which is a judgement in and of itself). It is a matter of what parenting is. And yes, raising a child does take a village regardless of how many parents a child has or how that child got here.

Ellen

Posted August 30, 2010 at 11:25 AM by Kim

I also have a 2 year old. When I made this choice I feel I was getting into it with the knowledge that it would be more full time than it would be with a couple. I fully understood I would not have someone to fall back on who lived in my home and was readily available. I believed I could handle it, I can and I do. While I can not spontaneously say to my husband,"watch him for a while I'm going shopping" I can set up times for him to go to his full time sitters so I can have a break or get some things done. I have asked favors of friends occasionally for sitting but my reliable support system is really the sitters I pay for, he knows them better anyway. As far as do we have the right to ask for help since we chose this path? You'll find out who your friends are really quickly! I would hope if you had a friend who needed help whether because of a chosen path or because of circumstance you wouldn't have to think about the details and just help a friend in need. Single moms just like everybody else know that there are limits to some friendships and others that would be there for you at the drop of a hat.

Posted August 30, 2010 at 11:22 AM by aisha bigbee

Well, as a person who has been on this jorney for a while, and having to have multple surgeries at this point...my friends and family have the same point of view they have always had, which is this is very important to me and that I am important to them, so its any acceptable circumstance.
I personally think that many of us do establish our support systems prior to embarking on this journey. The journey in and of itself lets you know who you can depend on and who is paying lip service. Many of us do not come by our pregnancies easily.
Honestly, i feel so for those who do not have their family support. I hold family support in a higer regard then friends because you are right friends you can not expect them to be reliable. But i feel like family it should be different. But many women/ men do not have close relationships with their families, and with or without a partner it is difficult to raise a child and have this connection missing. I can't imagine it.

Do you think that as a man you receive less support? That people are less sympathic to your situation?

My known donor has been a single father for 10 years, and i know from his perspective that he often has felt that there is a distict difference from the help you receive as a single mother than as a single father.

Well i wish you all the luck in the world, and think that despite it all- the dealing with ones toddler, that you realize there is a sense of satisfaction knowing that you can do this!

Posted August 30, 2010 at 8:45 AM by d.dad

you raise a good point about how many varieties of experiences can impact a young person, and that having one more person around is hardly the biggest issue, in light of them all.

but there was one thought that stuck in my head as i read your comment (and other ones you made). its this:

It takes a village to raise a child.

this is a well established fact of parenting. now, i am raising my son by myself. he is 2, and its totally mental for me. being a single parent means you need to create the "village" that will help influence your kid.

but the notion that being single by choice raises a question for me, which is, do the people in your "village" (that help you raise your kid-even if for just an hour every other week)...how do they feel about your choice?

most people will help a single parent because they know that what they are dealing with is very difficult. but the idea that you dont want a partner makes the notion of helping a person who is in distress a bit more complicated, no? i mean, are you really in distress when you made that choice?
editor trim here ... if the situation youre in is by choice, i for one, would be less inclined to help you, than if a mother or dad was left by a spouse. now, divorce or the leaving of the spouse might have been one person's fault, but its hardly the same as "i will consciously raise this child myself" because this claim never had the intentions of fielding a support team.

its a choice to do something hard. i give you guys a ton of credit for being so strong willed and motivated. but it does take others. and it seems like a choice mom throws the extras on other's plates.

i know thats a wild overstatement, as choice moms can be part of groups, have close friends help out. but i doubt that in most cases, the mother proactively sought the support team out prior to the birth of the kid.

in my case, im left with this. i need help.

can a choice mom say "i need help?" and have people with who their not in a dependent relationship with, act with kindness and altruism, time and time again? doubtful. and id bet that many choice moms have been very frustrated by what they might see as people "who said they would help, but backed out".

my post is maybe not a popular comment here, but i was curious about why people made a choice to do this. i am completely by myself with this kid (less 4 hours a week for a break) and i cant imagine why someone would want to take on such a burden. i can do it. but not by choice.

im an educator by the way, with 20 years experience with kids.