UPDATE: A major U.S. news show is interested in talking to women who embarked on the Choice Mom path in their late 20s/early 30s. Is that you? If so, contact me at info @ choicemoms.org. STORY: I’ve noticed an interesting trend the last few years in the stories I’m learning about through this website, and the Choice Mom networking events. Many of the women choosing single motherhood these days are younger than what I would consider the norm.
Posted September 10, 2010 at 4:15 PM
Choice Moms are getting younger
I asked some of these women to share their stories on ChoiceMoms.org.
I’ve communicated with about 20 of them lately, to get a better sense of why they felt ready to proceed with motherhood, even though most people tell them technically they have a few more years to "look" before their fertility wanes. We'll offer more details in the future. But here's a taste of their stories:
- Beth is in the process of finishing her home study for foster care adoption. Now 31, originally she had intended to start the process when she was 28 if "traditional family life" didn’t happen first. But she was studying for the ministry at the time, so waited a few more years.
- Cassie, on the verge of an IVF cycle, was impacted 18 months ago by flash flooding and decided she had nothing to show for her life. When a friend asked what she thought was missing, the words spilled out before she’d even consciously processed them: "I want to have a baby." As she explained, "I don't feel like I need a baby to 'complete' me. To be honest, I have very little interest in finding a partner. I have been blessed with amazing and supportive friends, who inspire me to be a better person. I have found it hard for a partner to compete with that. I feel like all my love and energy is being directed towards this little person I haven’t even met yet, and I don’t want to take any of that away to give to someone else."
- Lillian explained her decision this way, "I can imagine my life without a spouse. It was being without a child I couldn't imagine. When I daydreamed about my life years down the road, I always saw myself raising a child. It isn't that I don't have positive marriage models. My parents have been happily married for more than 35 years. I have lots of examples of great marriages around me, but it just never called to me in the same way that having a child did."
- Jess was 27 when she started researching this path, and is about to try her first IUI at age 29. "I am emotionally fulfilled and financially sound. I have traveled, lived overseas, taken risks in my career, worked hard and studied hard too. I have ticked the many boxes. Can I please have a family now?" She expects someday she’ll be able to find the right partner, without bringing in the emotional baggage of having a family that was torn apart from divorce.
- Krista, like many, has put a lot of thought into the decision. "I read your book, visited websites and met with fertility doctors. I wanted to gather as much information as I could to evaluate if I could wait a few more years or if I should start the process now. There was always this voice in the back of my head that kept whispering, ‘What if you don’t get pregnant right away? What if you are like many women who struggle to conceive? If you wait and then struggle, will you be faced with more decisions and the possibility of more costly options? As time went by it was evident that although this wasn’t how I dreamed my life would be, it was the right decision for me.’"
- Evelyn, 32, is divorced after a brief marriage. "The beginning of the end was when I realized that I did not want this man to be the father of my children. Fortunately we didn't become pregnant together, but that then led me to start thinking of going it on my own. It has also changed the way I've approached dating. I realized that my initial focus had been on love & passion -- unsteady things -- then would throw the desire to have children at them."
- One mother of a 2-year-old, now considering having a second child, told me: "I had a moment of crisis on a date and had to admit that I was just there because he had good genes. The next day I googled ‘sperm banks’ and, somehow, found a story about a Choice Mom. It was a moment of ‘YES! That's what I want!’ I don't believe that every person is meant to be in a relationship. Some of us are meant to be single and, some of us are supposed to be single parents. Realizing this about myself made my life so much easier."
There are obviously many women who decide they do prefer to have a partner, and opt for "no" or "let’s wait a few more years" to this choice. And there are others who reluctantly enter into motherhood alone, describing it as a "no choice" option because of age. But for a growing number of women -- based on the age shift I’m starting to see on the discussion boards - it is interesting to me that this is very much a positive choice they are making in order to become the kind of parent they want to be.
Reader Comments
Posted March 27, 2012 at 10:13 PM
I was a thinker on and off from age ~16 to 31. I always said in my teens that if I was still unmarried at 35, then I would go ahead and have a baby on my own. When I was 31, I had an ah-ha moment when I changed from a thinker to what I call a knower. It was like a switch flipped in my head. I knew this was my path. I knew that I would have my own little family. I was no longer a thinker. I no longer pictured myself with a husband and baby. It was just me and a baby. I couldn't go back. Since that knowing moment, everything I've done has been working towards this goal. I've been researching and planning for the past two years. I left a job that I loved in a location that I loved for a higher paying job in the same field halfway across the country where I didn't know a soul. The move was very difficult both financially and emotionally, but things are now on track and I'm hoping to start trying in a few months (I'm 33).
Posted September 26, 2011 at 6:47 PM
I'm 22, I've been thinking about this since I was nineteen. I am currently saving up so that I can buy anything my future child would need. I've always known I wouldn't marry. I'm asexual, but I still want a family. I love the kids in my family, and my friends kids... every time i see them, I think "If I wasn't asexual, I would have had a baby by now," so I am trying hard, to make my money, so things will be easier in the future. I like to read about other women doing this, having children by choice while single. But I never read about people my age doing the same. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I am very settled, and calm, and loving. My family are supportive, and know of my intention. Why shouldn't I be able to have a child, on my own?
Posted December 23, 2010 at 12:10 PM
I totally agree. I was 26 when I decided to become a SMC. I sold my one bedroom condo, moved to a two bedroom townhouse to have more room and be ready for that adoption interview to show I had the space to care for someone else. I attended my first informational session with an agency, began researching adoption and ran into several roadblocks with adoption because I was a single woman, and single under 30. From there I began researching IUI, sperm banks and clinics. I spoke to my OBGYN who was against this since I, at that time, was only 27. He would not refer me anywhere, refused to provide assistance. How could I possibly throw a dart at the phonebook and find someone else to do help. Finally, I just made an appointment with my primary care physician solely for the purpose to walk in, tell him I wanted to have a baby, and ask for the referral. The longest part of that appointment was waiting in the waiting room. I was in and out in under 10 minutes with my referral. I then met with the fertility doctor, chose my donor and after a number of tries, found out I was PG 2 days before my 30th birthday!
Posted October 1, 2010 at 7:30 PM
I am a 27 year old pre-law student, after having worked in the field for just under 5 years. I have not had a serious relationship in 2 years and up until just 4 months ago, I had not dated anyone in a year. I was engaged to be married in 2000, when I was just 20. We got pregnant after our engagement had ended and I did not want him to be the father of my child, he was not the one for me and would not take care of this baby. I felt like it was selfish to bring the baby into the world without a dad, like me. I terminated the pregnancy. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycycstic ovarian syndrome). I was only insured for a brief time and did not stay on my birth control like I needed to. I am dating someone exclusively, he is newly divorced and in no way ready to settle down right now. I am afraid my time is really ticking to have atleast one biological child. I don't want a man to dictate when I can have child. I want a child. I don't want my window to close. I also do not want to be pregnant during law school as that would be very difficult while waiting until after law school may be too late. I have been given the opportunity to save an awful lot of money and within a years time I plan to have a strong savings. I have a very strong support group of family and friends who all back my decision to become a choice mom. I never thought I would be making this decision but I feel like it is the one for me.
Posted September 30, 2010 at 10:47 PM
I'm interested and impressed that more and more women are feeling confident about becoming Choice Moms in their early/mid-30s. It really is a shift from what was happening, say, a decade ago.
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Posted April 6, 2012 at 10:17 AM by Sarah @ OMGTheresThree
I decided to become a Choice Mom when I was 29. I had been joking (half-joking) for several years that I should just do it my own. It wasn't until a road-trip with my sister that I decided to just do it. I guess you could say I went from a "Thinker" to a "Knower" in less than 3 hours and became a "Trying" within a month. I guess sometimes you just KNOW!
It took just shy of 2 years to get pregnant, but boy, did I get pregnant! I gave birth the BBG triplets in January 2011. This has been the best decision I've made in my entire life. It hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Want a glimpse into my life? www.OMGTheresThree.com