Well, I started back to work yesterday, and if I thought I was tired BEFORE, man, it's going to be a tough week! Err, make that, tough year.

Jenny is now 2.5 months old and sleeping in longer chunks which makes it a little easier, but it's still really tough not to have someone to hand her over to. I guess I thought she'd be magically sleeping through the night by now. My friends have really stepped up to help out, and try to take turns keeping her for a night every other week or so, which lets me get at least one full night's sleep here and there. It makes a HUGE difference. I still cry a lot, but I think it's from the sleep deprivation more than any depression, since I generally feel pretty good about stuff despite the crushing responsibility that I'm reminded of every time I look at her.

Generally I'm still shocked that she's mine - I don't know when you adjust to the fact that this child is yours, but I still feel
sometimes like I'm babysitting or wonder where she came from. I definitely miss the little things I took for granted (like being able to hop out of the car to run in for something quick, like a gas station Coke Icee!) and have resigned myself to eating all my meals lukewarm for another year or so, but I don't regret my decision.

Don't get me wrong, I come close! It's way harder than I thought it would be. I question every choice I make, second-guess myself constantly, and worry about the craziest stuff. But I'm very lucky, she's a calm and quiet baby, and very happy. Being able to work from home is a gift, and I lucked out with the nanny (a young single mom who charges me less because she brings her baby with her, who is 2 weeks older than Jenny).

My thoughts and wishes are with everyone still going through the agony of trying and waiting and all the frustration and hope that entails. ENJOY YOUR SLEEP. Go to a movie alone. Savor a hot meal that isn't crackers dipped in peanut butter because you don't even have time or energy to spread it. Come babysit for me :-). Realize that some of us who have been successful are terrified constantly, wracked with guilt, overwhelmed with the pressure of motherhood, and jealous of you for the lives we once had. My fingers are crossed for you all to experience this wonderful misery as well!

And please don't let me scare you, I just want to be very honest in case there are people out there who have a less-than-realistic notion of how this works out. No matter how many times people told me, 'It will change your life', I apparently didn't believe them! I think having more time off would help, because by then Baby should be sleeping more. I would still suggest having some help at the beginning - my mom was here for the first three weeks and I don't know that I could have done it without her (I definitely wouldn't have bathed, eaten, done laundry or napped ever, that's for sure).

Of course it's not horrible, but it's not easy. And if you see the pictures, you can understand the reward. I would still do it all over again in a heartbeat. As I type this now I've got a soft little snoozing head resting on my chest because she had to get her 2-month shots this morning (so traumatic for me! I burst into tears!) and she needs a little extra mama snuggle time. My heart explodes when I look down at her and I can't resist kissing the tip of her little button nose. Need I say more?

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