This is the big week. My first insemination.

I was having some last minute "am I doing the right thing" thoughts and have been upset with myself that I haven't felt as excited as I thought that I should. I have instead been nervous. Worried about whether I can I do this. Am I doing the right thing? Why didn't I try harder to meet the right person? etc.

So I picked up your "Choosing Single Motherhood" book again tonight and Judy's story helped me. What I realized is I don't have to wish that I wasn't doing this alone. I just have to keep walking because the one thing I know in life is that I want to be a mom. I have been ready to be a mom for about 20 years.

I am 42. I dated my high school sweetheart for 15 years. Then I dated many men over the last 10 years, some I broke up with, some that broke up with me and broke my heart. I have been in love with two over the last ten years.

About 18 months ago I had some pains in my back, then my stomach. Turns out I had three tumors in my left ovary and many cysts on both of them. Since I want children so much, this was scary to say the least. I was actually more afraid of them saying I couldn't have children then them saying I had cancer. In the end, it wasn't cancer and the doctor said (and still says) that I can have kids. The doctor had to open up my ovary to get the tumors out and the surgery was very painful with a long recovery but I still have both ovaries.

Then about six months ago (11 months after the first surgery) the pain was back. I was once again scared to death but went back to the doctor and another surgery was scheduled. This time there was a lot of scar tissue.

About three months ago I went to get a second opinion. The doctor told me words that I will never forget, when talking about my deep desire to have kids he said "you have months, not years, and if you want children you need to have them now." He also said that having kids may help the pain that I have because both doctors feel that I have more scar tissue and being pregnant can help get rid of it.

I had been thinking of being a Choice Mom for about three years, so I had a long talk with my sisters and then sprung into action. My little sister and I visited several sperm banks, I met with my doctor, told my family and friends, etc. When I can't sleep at night, I go to websites and look at baby names.

Six weeks ago I broke my foot. A broken foot doesn't have much to do with having a baby other then it has added to my stress and loosing my independence (I couldn't drive for five weeks). It scared me. If I couldn't take care of myself, how could I take care of a baby? But I started to drive again, can get down the steps of my condo alone. Online shopping reminded me that I am very resourceful.

So after ALL that -- 20 years of waiting, 25 years of dating, two surgeries, a broken foot, years of "thinking" -- and now here I am, ready to try. And instead of jumping for joy, I have been crying and feeling scared to death.

But I re-read this part of Judy's story: "She recognized that if she waited to completely let go of the grief she would never be a mother....'There will never be a day for me when I had peace and total acceptance of the road ahead.' She didn't want to stay stuck, so she decided to allow herself to continue to feel the grief and become a Choice Mom anyway. She took the leap into trying."

I am a perfectionist and type A. I always try to do everything the best way possible. I think it was upsetting me that I wasn't having the feelings that I thought I should be having right now. I mean this is it -- Clomid starts tomorrow -- and I have wondered why I'm not dancing around the house. So thank you because I am going to allow myself to continue to feel sad that I didn't get married first then have a baby and know that i'ts OK to be scared.

I AM making that jump. I AM trying. And I AM really really happy. I can't wait to be a mom. I can do this. I want this, I have wanted this for 20 years. I will find love in the future but now is my time for me and my baby.

I am going to keep walking...

Mikki's note: Thanks to Linda for sharing her story. I know many Choice Moms can relate to it. If you are feeling stuck, or lonely, or unsure of the next step in your journey, consider talking to the counselors in our Choice Moms referral network.