We're kicking off February with a few stories of Choice Moms who intended to build a family with a partner -- and for various reasons didn't find the right One. In this story, we hear from a woman who has been through the wringer and is still torn.
Posted February 1, 2011 at 6:00 AM
Jaime: Yes, no, maybe?
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"I'm single and 40 yrs old. I'm considering IUI. Like many women, I was in a long-term relationship and it ended badly. My ex (while discussing marriage and children with me) was seeing other women. This was nearly two years ago.
I figured that since I was 38 and without a relationship that I should just put the idea of a family out of my mind and focus on my career as a doctor.
Well -- I learned that this isn't something that can just be pushed out of your mind simply because the man you loved is gone.
I NEVER thought I would give consideration to being a single mother. I think I am 75 percent sold on the idea of doing this -- however I am still scared. Afraid of how my colleagues, friends, and family will feel about my choice.
I feel that if I show up to work pregnant that I will be the talk of the practice (I am one of several doctors in a medical group). I feel that if I tell people the truth that I was inseminated, they will find me pathetic ... like I failed.
I don't personally feel that I failed, as my last 2 ex's were deceptive men. However, I know those who work with me will look down on me. This is one of the reasons I am not completely sure I will do artificial insemination.
However, at the same time, the thought of never having a child OR finding out that I can't because my eggs are no longer viable would devastate me. At my age I have no time to waste. I have to make a decision on one side or the other. I have my first appointment with a fertility specialist on Friday. I suppose after all testing is complete I will learn my fertility status.
So, as you can see, I am torn on what to do. I know I would be a great mom, however the judgment that I will likely encounter socially will be difficult. Any thoughts?"
Mikki's note: Jaime, I once heard Jane Mattes (Single Mothers by Choice) give the sage advice at one of my Choice Mom networking events that being conflicted about explaining to a child why they have no father is very often related to the mother's own feelings, more so than the child's, about the reason there is no father in the home. I wonder if this theory might be applicable here as well. Your own private grief about the betrayal you felt with your ex might have a lot to do with your sense that others will think you have failed for choosing to have a child on your own. Perhaps the more you are able to step away from that betrayal -- and feelings that raises in you -- as you forge on your own path toward motherhood, the more you will be holding your head up proudly as the woman who is making her goals come true, despite the mud you have had to deal with. Others may or may not judge you for that choice -- we're very often surprised by the reactions -- but I very rarely find that any of us care, after we are mothers, what people think about how we got there. What matters most is that we're there, and we love our child, and our child loves us.
Reader Comments
Posted February 10, 2011 at 3:29 PM
Hi Jaime;
After I made the decision to go forward with IUI on my own I did wonder whether people (peers and colleagues as well as family and friends) would judge--but I've not let it worry me. One of the greatest gifts we have is the ability to embrace our own life,and anything less is unacceptable. Fortunately the response has been amazing and supportive from the few people who know about my plan. When/if I encounter judgement from others I am prepared to handle it with grace as it's truly no one else's business. People may surprise you...I had no idea I would get such positive reactions and see people are as excited as I am that I've made the commitment to do this on my own :) Good luck to you!
Posted February 5, 2011 at 3:44 PM
Jaime, I can understand your fear of judgment. I had it, too, and still do as I'm pregnant but not obviously showing yet. Still, if I were to look back and realize that the reason I had missed out on motherhood had been because I was afraid of what other people thought, I think that would make me really sad. I can't say like Dora that I've had no negative reactions, although any negative ones I had were usually of concern and not judgment (people worried about how tough it would be for me - I remind them that not being a mom would, for me, be tougher). I don't mean to minimize this fear of yours, but I personally wouldn't let it stop me if that were the only thing standing in the way. Good luck with your decision! Most people have been very supportive of mine and even really excited for me.
Posted February 4, 2011 at 6:17 PM
Hi Jaime, I too spent a LONG time, far too long in retrospect, worrying about how to tell people, what people would say, would it impact my professional image or relationships with co-workers. Worrying to the point that I almost changed my mind. In reality what I found was that my coworkers and clients blew me away with their support and genuine excitement and happiness.
I'm not sure this will make any sense but it helped me, when I realized that I was basically letting other people (or MY assumptions about others) tell me how I should live my life, as if in reality I would even listen to them about what to eat or wear or other trivial decisions...
and like most others moms here, I have no doubts now it was the right decision!!
Posted February 4, 2011 at 2:26 PM
Hi Jaime. I am a choice mom to a wonderful 14 month old (who charmed Mikki and Jane and a bunch of other cool women at a Choice Moms event last July). I haven't gotten a single negative reaction to my decision to be a single mom. The response has been overwhelmingly positive. People praise my courage (honestly, I was terrified of never becoming a mother), and often tell me my daughter and I are better off this way. Seems everyone knows couples who've split and had terrible custody battles, or couples that are together but unhappy, or the husband doesn't help much or at all.
I understand your fear of reactions as a dr. Check out this soon to be choice mom's blog. She is an MD in a conservative town. She wrote <a href="http://shannonsrainbow.blogspot.com/2010/12/smc-topic-at-work.html">here</a> about telling her colleagues, staff, and patients.
Posted February 1, 2011 at 10:04 PM
Jamie- I am in the same stage as you and very similar background. I am too scared of what people will think of me doing this solo. Why do we care what others think, those that love us are all that truly matter, right? But as I am in the "thinking" stage trying to figure it out, what I keep coming back to is this is not the way I wanted it. Am I being selfish by only thinking of what I want versus what is best for children? can't offer any advise as I have not figured it out yet either, but it is good to read your story and know I am not alone in working through this. I am scared out of my mind to make the decision, but in my heart I feel like I already have, it is just getting past the loss of the "way I wanted it" versus my reality.
I am with you!
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Posted February 20, 2012 at 5:46 PM by Ellen
Thank you so much for your story. I am new to this website and although I am still considering myself in the "Thinking" stage, I believe I've already made up my mind. Like you, I am so concerned over how others will view me, as pathetic, unable to keep a man, etc... however, after talking it out with one of my dearest friends who is a mom, her advice was that once I'm pregnant, I will not worry about what other people think of the way I got pregnant because I will be on my way to mommyhood. And in the end, that is all that I really care about at this moment. I really appreciated that bit of advice and thought I'd share. ;)