From a Thinker: I wrote a few months ago, when I was starting my Thinking journey. I think I wrote because I needed to make contact with someone.
Posted February 7, 2011 at 7:40 PM
What I've learned about Thinking
I needed to tell ‘someone’, and I needed for ‘someone’ to understand. But this is what I learned:
- I learned that the decision is only a small step. You will be tested around every corner, even by people who support you. I learned that these little tests are important. Like everything in life, you need to question yourself in order to get the correct answer. "Is this what you really want?"
- I learned not every woman can be the strong ONE. The ONE to break barriers. Some, like me, want the comfort that others have been through this path and everything turned out fine. I cannot imagine that women were this courageous before the internet enabled us to share our stories with each other.
- I learned that chat rooms, and simply reading about others going through similar emotions, helps with making your decisions less ALONE.
- I learned that looking for the easy way, the tried and tested way, is not the answer. I was looking for that one person who documented her journey and could give me answers to all my questions. I was looking for reassurance that I will be able to afford a child. But instead I found people like me. People with questions. I learned that even the ones with answers did not satisfy my questions. I had to start my own research, and figure out my own answers. Knowledge is power.
- As an independent woman, you don’t have the luxury of putting responsibility on your partner. You have to plan, prepare and be responsible for your actions. Your decision should be something YOU can live with.
- Most of all I learned that no person has the answer for me. I learned that I can be a Thinker for the rest of my life, and for some, thinking about it will be fine. But for me I need to take action. I need to make the call, get an appointment at a fertility clinic and decide. There is no wrong decision, but I need to decide.
So, I have decided and I am not a Thinker any more. I don’t know if I will be a mother. But I know that I want to be a mother.
I am not starting a new journey or chapter in my life. My journey started many years ago -- around the time I decided that I didn’t want to wait for Mr. Perfect to start living my life.
Reader Comments
Posted March 1, 2011 at 10:33 PM
Thank you so much for posting this. I suppose I've been a Thinker for a few years but have decided this is the year I'm going to ACT and MOVE FORWARD. You had a key statement in your post ... "I don"t know if I will be a mother. But I know that I want to be a mother."
Want and Being are two different things. I had surgery last week to have endo removed and what my gyno thought was an ovarian cyst, it turned out to be a fibroid and it's still there. I'm scheduled to meet with her in a month and that's when my serious talks will commence on how become single, 40 and pregnant.
I appreciate your post - such honesty.
Louise from Toronto
Posted February 21, 2011 at 3:26 AM
Thank you for sharing this. I don't feel so alone either now! I am so hungry for support as I go through making this huge decision. And worry incessantly about whether I will be able to afford it, plan financially for the future etc. I have already noticed that when I go into the future I start to panic about huge things like school fees and university fees etc. Then I remind myself to come back to the present. I need to go one day at a time. If I look back on my life, I was able to do hugely expensive things without being aware I was doing them, and when I look back I think gosh I did it. So right now I am going to trust that I will make it thought this time, fertility treament, baby arriving etc etc, by just being inthis moment, and handling what I can.
Besides that fact that even when there are 2 people in a relationship, they stiull battle along too. Having a partner does not guarrentee it will be easier.
Posted February 9, 2011 at 10:43 PM
thank you for sharing this
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Posted December 29, 2011 at 7:03 AM by Alida
I just wanted to tell; that it's been a while since I wrote the letter on the top. But it was a good road.
I am 28 weeks pregnant. (My 2nd IUI with anonymous donor.)
I am going to be a mommy soon!!!