As we were driving through yet another snowstorm in Minneapolis the other day, so I could get my 11-year-old daughter to a birthday party, she suggested I get a husband.
Posted February 23, 2011 at 7:05 AM
My daughter is feeling sorry for me
Commentary from Mikki
"Why??" I asked, maybe a little too quickly.
"Then you could do all that stuff you need to do at home, and work longer, and not have to worry about getting us places all the time. He could be driving me right now, instead of you."
Ahhh. My daughter is getting old and aware enough to realize her Mom is stressed.
I assured her, which sounded strange even as I said it, that driving her to a birthday party in a snowstorm after a busy morning of deadlines was "family time." That I liked the conversations we have during drive times.
I do find that car time, for better and worse, has become a time we talk more deeply than we do in the rush of life. It's where she asked me, at age 7, how men get the sperm out to give to women at sperm banks. It's where we evolved one afternoon from a simple discussion about a bumper sticker into a complex conversation about God in the span of a 20-minute drive.
My daughter notices things, the way I do sometimes, like how the furrow of an eyebrow means someone is fighting off a headache. We are fans of the Tim Roth TV show "Lie to Me," because of our mutual interest in understanding the ability to read faces.
This is why another one of our conversations in the car recently was about how to set boundaries with people.
I said that she will likely have the ability to perceive and understand why people are acting out, that they are stressed about something, that they are struggling with an issue that comes out sideways. That she will likely be willing to forgive people for long periods of time, even if they aren't meeting your needs, because you understand what theirs are.
And I advised her of that which I still re-learn every day.
You need to be able to draw a line and say, okay, I need something from this relationship too. You need to have a finite number of times you can forgive someone, or let things roll off your back. You need to be as aware of what YOU need, as what they need, and be able to speak that out loud...and walk away, if it comes to that.
I hope this lesson sticks for her.
I still work on it every day.
The day after my daughter was feeling sorry for me, I was driving her and a few friends around town, as the snowstorm continued, so they could ski and play and enjoy each other's company. I worked on my computer while they skied. I fed them. Then I came home and attempted, unsuccessfully, to dig out my driveway until 10 pm so I could get into the garage. This was before I discovered that I need to call a plumber, and that the dryer needs to be replaced.
Maybe she's right. Maybe I should find me one of those husband things again.
As we end our February theme of "partnerships," I'd like to hear from more of you in this Comments area.
What are some of the most meaningful partnerships you've found on this journey -- whether with doctors, friends, doulas, family?
What kind of partnerships do you need?
What lines in the sand have you learned to draw?
-- Mikki
P.S. Curious about the upcoming themes?
March: Conscious Conversations
April: alternative conception options
May: money matters
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Posted March 11, 2011 at 5:38 PM by Emily
Mikki, what you need is a landlord.
I'm stifling annoyance with the hope of being constructive - but between this and the post about "why we are single" (which turned into another thinly veiled mourning for the husband-that-isn't), I'm reminded why I usually don't hang out with single women.
I'm single because I want to be single. Ah, what a breath of fresh air! I gather I'm in the minority, but that's nothing new. I'm single because I want a focused, balanced, fun relationship with my daughter and as a child of divorce with step-parents on both sides, I know that while kids may blithely recommend adding another adult to the family mix, they don't know a thing about the potential and nuanced consequences.
You have a dynamic with your children that is singular, focused, and special. That would change dramatically with a partner, in ways your kids can't begin to fathom. Even a good step-dad is still an add-on... even a step-dad who enters the picture while kids are young can feel out of place sometimes, and that means tensions, compromises... Yes, compromises, those things we have the luxury of not being forced into very often. Among other things.
We are not less-than. I'll speak for myself - I have a full life. Nothing is missing.
I suppose there can be more stress, in some ways. Landlords, neighbors, a good friend who comes every Sunday afternoon, these relationships go a long way toward diminishing it.
There's also simplicity, because what we don't have is the stress of a man who needs picking up after, a man who doesn't help or doesn't understand what's needed or isn't there when we expect him to be - all of which would add immeasurably to my dissatisfaction. These days, I have very little irritation. I've never been happier; I have a beautiful daughter and a great job.
And a landlady.