I recently heard from this woman, in search of some outside insight. And it's no wonder, when you read her story. Yet, it's not an uncommon dilemma. Many of us have been in this place. Or have faced similar indecision about whether Choice Motherhood is the right step. What do you suggest for her?
Posted May 31, 2011 at 9:25 PM
Child? Relationship? Job Change? A Thinker's Dilemma
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English is not her first language, so I'm paraphrasing some of what she said.
She is in a four-year relationship with a woman she loves deeply. Her partner has a grown son, and has decided she doesn't have the capacity to be a mother again. In addition, as a university employee with a temporary contract, she has been given the option to relocate next year. She is already living thousands of miles/kilometers from her family.
"I desire a child so much. But maybe I could be happy just concentrating my time, energies and money on the relationship with my partner. It is also very difficult to find the right person (even more in the case of woman with woman). I know what it means to be alone. And how different and how much more wonderful life is with the right love. And she is really a wonderful person. We both feel very lucky. Yet I feel I have to choose now between her and a child. Having a child would be a risk. But it also could be a risk for the relationship choosing not to have the child. Maybe in ten years I would regret having decided not to have the child, and we are not together anymore. Or maybe we are still together. Who knows! It's such a difficult decision! I have always been ready to be a single mother. But maybe I have to pay too a high price. The factors are so much.... I want to make the right decision. Right now I feel like I am blocked."
I have written this women with my thoughts on her situation.
But I'd like to also share with her yours.
Please use the Comments field below to join in the conversation.
-- Mikki
Reader Comments
Posted June 12, 2011 at 10:12 PM
At the very end of my "thinking" process, I was giving the dating thing a final try. He was older than me (about 12 years) and had been married before but had no children. He had also lived with someone who had a child by a previous marriage. He made it clear that he was not interested in having kids. So I had to decide whether I (even if it wasn't with him) could live my life without being a mom. I decided that not being a mom would be something I would deeply regret. I had to at least try to see if I could get pregnant. I finally conceived with the help of IVF and have a sweet, beautiful 2-year-old son. It wasn't an easy journey but I can't imagine giving a day of it back.
Posted June 1, 2011 at 11:30 PM
Only you can know what your heart desires. You seem to really desire a child but be in a relationship because you have felt lonely in the past. I think that the choice between a child and a partner is a really odd one and I personally wouldn't accept that someone request me to make such a choice. These two things are completely different, they affect your life in very different ways, they cannot really be compared. One very significant difference is that it's never to late to be a partner, but it will be too late to be a mother. Who would you be if the restrictions you mention were not there? That is the you that you want to go for.
The best way to protect yourself from future regrets is to make a very conscious choice. I'm sure if you listen deep inside you will know what that is for you, and maybe right now is just not yet the time for either.
Good Luck!
Posted June 1, 2011 at 10:08 PM
I had been with my female partner, my "soulmate," for 12 years when she made it clear that having children was not in her future. It was a devastating breakup. I started trying a year later and now have 2-year-old twins. My former partner is their special "Auntie." It was so difficult, but I know now that I would have blamed her for denying me the everything that is motherhood. She's happily traveling and living the single life. It was the best outcome for both of us.
Posted June 1, 2011 at 4:02 PM
I like the comment that motherhood is "forever" and would go as far as to say it is the ONLY forever relationship out there. Even a marriage or partnership isn't guaranteed to last forever. It comes down to what she wants most in life. From what she is saying, it sounds to me like she would ultimately regret it if she lived her life but never was a mother. That is a HUGE regret and definitely one that would cause major resentment in her relationship and ultimately could lead to the relationship with her current partner being ruined. Life is ever changing. I made my plans for motherhood once I had a stable home, job, support network in place and during my pregnancy I lost it ALL, but I still have my babies and we are getting through it just fine and I wouldn't change things a bit. I know that if I had put off having children I'd regret it.
Posted June 1, 2011 at 1:19 PM
I would choose to have a child over having a partner. Love can happen at any time in your life, but you only have a limited time during which you can have a baby. Having a child will increase your social world. Perhaps your partner will change her mind?
Posted June 1, 2011 at 7:25 AM
Don't waste another day thinking "what if"! I made the choice 11 years ago as a single woman and I've never regretted a moment! I now have 10 year old twins (boy/girl) who are my world and I wouldn't change a thing. I dont have a partner, although I've dated through the years, and that doesn't worry me as much as making sure my two cubs get everything they need to succeed in life.
We are family =)
Posted May 31, 2011 at 10:38 PM
There's no easy answer here. The key questions are, first, is her relationship truly a "forever" relationship? It sounds like with her questioning, she may not yet have taken that mental "leap" to forever with her partner. Second, is it really a dealbreaker to the relationship if she pursues motherhood on her own? Perhaps there is a possible compromise. (I'm assuming relocation could also factor into this compromise). Maybe she could form a household on her own with child while continuing to see the partner when it works for both of them? As a divorced Choice Mom, I can attest that motherhood is unquestionably "forever," whereas other relationships that you might think are permanent may end up being temporary. I chose motherhood, and I've never regretted it. I'm just now turning my attention to dating again, trying to find another relationship, and it hasn't been easy. But I'd still make this choice again if given the chance.
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Posted August 4, 2011 at 8:18 PM by Leslie
I agree - go for the child; you can always meet someone, but take it from me, becoming a mom can take a long time - I ttc'd with my own eggs, then donor eggs, then went to adoption. 4.5 yrs later, after 2 yrs on the waiting list, here I am. I have a bf I've been dating for a year, but he' still not sure on the kid thing. My previous bf seemed like he was going to work out, but he wasn't ready to give up his bachelor ways. I wish I had moved to trying to become a mom much earlier - and made it a priority.