While I don't think Mothers have a corner on this market, this blog post from On Being points out one of the fundamental soulful ways all parents can make a mark on building our better world. And I think, slowly, we're getting there, generation by generation creating a more benevolent society.
Long-time Choice Mom support Patricia Mendell, who works with single women in the New York City area who are building families on their own, has announced a new monthly support group to help families (single and coupled) create healthy families using egg, sperm and embryo donation, as well as surrogacy.
Once upon a time we all think we know how our lives will turn out. Then, bit by bit, year by year, we discover that we don't have quite as much control over that as we think we do. Some control, yes. But sometimes the control we have about our destiny has more to do with perspective than actual wish fulfillment.
A will is a critical part of your estate plan, but it is only useful after your death. To protect yourself in the event that you are unable to speak for yourself, you must do more.
Thanks to Danielle for bringing this list of storybooks to my attention for those of us who have used alternative methods to bring our children into the world.
Many of our children ask questions about their fathers, and right now, with Father’s Day approaching, we are all thinking and talking more about it. When we made the decision to become an SMC, this subject was, for many of us, the one which we were most concerned about, and rightly so. Deciding to raise a child without a father has a real impact on our children and on us.
I am a Choice Mom of twin girls who are now 6. I did artificial insemination in the U.S. with sperm that could not cross the border into Canada. This is my story of making contact with half siblings.
Jo-Anne Cutler is a Family Communication Specialist and Awareness coach, who helps people who are "stuck" make the shifts they need to experience more peace, fun and happiness in their lives. That extends to helping parents build the best stress-free environment to enable their kids to thrive.
A San Francisco Choice Mom wrote to me recently, asking how to address the half-sibling topic with her son. She's been in contact with two lesbian couples on the East Coast who have sons from the same donor.
This has come up so frequently lately that I want to focus our attention again on responses to these topics: What do we tell our children, and others, about how they were conceived? About why they don't have a dad?
Several years ago there was some measure of relief among Choice Moms -- and consternation among some others -- when author Peggy Drexler published Raising Boys Without Men that revealed that boys in homes headed by single mothers by choice and lesbian couples were doing quite well. Now she's published a book about the impact fathers have on daughters.
Here it is...the end of the month when we focused on Conscious Conversations, and it took me weeks to get to THIS conversation with you. Isn't that the trickiness of our lives? How to make time for what matters, when the minutia of everyday gets in our way.
A friend called out of the blue to ask to catch up after months of absence. We talked about how hard it is for him to find interesting women to talk to about non-superficial things, and how he wondered if he’d ever find a partner.
My youngest turned 7 the other day. That means we're about to do his flower, representing the important people in his life right now. It's a favorite new tradition we created when the "family tree" assignments started five years ago, when my daughter was his age.
Before you know it, we realize our children are old enough to sometimes be home alone. For single parents, this can be a blessing -- not relying on babysitters every time we have to go to a neighborhood dinner party -- but the question is asked, how old should our children be before we entrust them?
At Thanksgiving time, it's easy to remind ourselves and our kids to be thankful and appreciative. But what about all the other days of the year? I recently read several good tips from one book that might help.
A 5-year-old Choice Kid started referring to a woman's ex-boyfriend as "daddy" even though he had proven to be not good father material and the mother had ended the relationship six months earlier. He hadn't been in their life since. The girl was saying that she "missed her daddy," even though she'd never referred to him that way before.
I've been reminded in the last week just how fragile life is. A Choice Mom friend unexpectedly lost her younger sister last week -- a mother of three -- in a tragic accident. And a neighbor couple are BOTH battling cancer, one of them terminal, with 7- and 9-year old daughters at home.
There is a national discussion starting in the Australian Parliament about how to regulate and legislate donor conception practices across federal and state lines.
Several years ago I got a call from the long-time co-founder of California Cryobank (CCB), gently and intelligently "checking me out" as an educational partner in his attempt to help his colleagues in the sperm bank industry understand why some policies needed to change. Since then...
A frequent topic of discussion on the Choice Mom boards is whether to have two children, and how to manage if you do. As one woman asked: "I'd love to hear the strategies you've used in order to provide each of your kids with enough time and attention."
A woman with two young children wrote to say that a half-sibling of her kids was traveling to the U.S. from another country and wanted to meet, since the children shared the same sperm donor. The mother didn't feel prepared to talk to her kids about how they were connected, yet didn't want to miss the opportunity to meet.
For too long I've ignored the needs of our moms with growing kids. As you'll notice, this website is robust with articles about the emotional and fertility needs of our community, but less for the woman who is doing the job of single parenting her much-beloved child(ren). No more. Much more content is coming for the Waiting, Becoming and Being sections, thanks to new partners.
ONLY TEN COPIES LEFT IN PRINT! Years ago I collaborated with Wendy and Ryan Kramer, the mother-and-son co-founders of Donor Sibling Registry, on some new tools for families created by donor conception. This was one of them.
The topic of using estate plan templates -- kits with fill-in-the-blank options about guardianship and will issues -- came up among a group of single mothers by choice recently. A Choice Mom and attorney in the group offered her insight.
On this 9/11 day, I wanted to reflect on the impact that day had on me as a Choice Mom. My daughter and I were living in New York City, about 20 blocks away from the World Trade Center, and until then I had no intention of leaving the city that had been my home for 18 years.
I get more melancholy about the end of summer than my kids do. They love school, and started the new school year today. About my own sadness about this time of year, I know that it's largely because my kids are the ones who teach me to play, not to work all the time.
submitted by Lori Will you ever have to prove your donor child doesn’t have a father? When I gave birth to my daughter via anonymous donor IUI in 1999, I hoped that the information regarding her father would be left blank on her birth certificate.
Thanks to Jessica for suggesting this Dixie Chicks song for anyone in the Choice Mom community looking for inspirational music about becoming a single mother.
I've been asked by some to offer comment on the study about donor-conceived kids that was released in May 2010 by the Commission on Parenthood's Future, in conjunction with the Institute of American Values.
submitted by Christy My daughter is 2.5 years old. She is a little girl who doesn't need to ask a lot of questions, doesn't seem to need a lot of prep information, and simply adjusts at the time to whatever is happening around her. She doesn't yet ask why she doesn't have a dad, or who her donor is. But other kids are now starting to do so.
It is more important to start your donor search with selection of the right sperm bank, before identifying donor characteristics. Arm yourself with this checklist of questions to begin the process.
I'm often asked how Choice Moms handle Father's Day. And we often wonder -- especially before we have kids, or when our children are quite young -- whether they are missing out on something important by growing up without a father.
I've long been fascinated with genetics. Partly because since my one sibling is adopted, I've always been mindful and curious about the nature vs. nurture questions. Now Wendy Kramer at Donor Sibling Registry is announcing an exciting new research project that will help explore some of these issues.
Lesbian and gay couples, and single women, have long been presumed by many to offer "worse" family structure for kids compared to two-parent heterosexual marriages. One new study reported in Time magazine indicates something we've long suspected. That might be a huge presumption.
Some time ago a librarian wrote to me asking that I send my various books for Choice Moms and donor-conceived families to the Library of Congress for cataloging. This stemmed out of her discovery that there are very few books about donor conception available. She compiled this list, however, of everything she had found to that point.
I returned from a primitive island camping trip with another Choice Mom, two dads, and the seven kids we have who have known each other for years. And one of the 30 emails waiting for me from the long weekend was the link to a blog from Kat Wilder, who is trying to understand who Choice Moms are, and why we do what we do.
Susan Golombok is the Cambridge University-based researcher who did the first large-scale study of the Choice Mom community in 2008. Some of those findings are posted here. Now she's published a new report of other research into female-headed families.
May is "Money Matters" month on the website. This month we'll take a look at what we're learning and sharing, from each other and from experts, about financial matters. Starting with this week's Choice Mom query: As parents who might expect more help from our kids, but with one paycheck, how do we handle allowances?
Interestingly, the most popular conversation circle at my upcoming Choice Mom Expo in Minneapolis is "Taming tantrums: yours and child," with parenting educator Denise Konen. Even 11 years into parenting, I didn't realize how important this topic is to our motherhood community. Here's one of the suggestions Denise has.
Well here it is...the public debate between a Glenn Sacks father's rights crony (Robert Franklin) and myself on PublicSquare.net. Read, laugh, seethe, comment. I actually love the opportunity to offer a rational perspective, even if my opponent has a decidedly different viewpoint. Such as Franklin's view that Choice Moms often trick men into having kids and then lie to keep them out of the child's life. Here's a synopsis, with links to the full debate.
When your uncle is also the sperm donor who helped your lesbian parents conceive, you might presume "the" conversation about your origins would be a hard one. And what happens afterward?
Telling the story
In addition to the "Do I Have a Daddy?" tracks available from this website, this growing library of audio clips (courtesy of Sepal Reproductive Devices and California Cryobank) helps us find the words, understand the conversation, and settle our nerves.
Real uncle is donor
When a lesbian couple turned to the non-carrying partner's brother for sperm, they knew they'd eventually have a big conversation with their daughter. (6 minute clip from upcoming radio show)
Do you feel rushed? Exhausted? Like you don't have enough time with your kids? Take five minutes out of your schedule to read and contemplate this. Then share an idea of how to pause in your own life every day.
Years ago, when my daughter was in kindergarten, the infamous family tree assignments started to come from school. To allow for the fact that Choice families don't have a "father's side" to fill in, we came up with our own solution.
I have talked to many experts -- including donor-conceived adults -- about the pros, cons, strengths and weaknesses of anonymous and open-identity donor conception as the method to building a family. Listen in:
We're building an audio library featuring the best of our Choosing Single Motherhood radio show and Choice Chat podcasts. You can order the first of this collection, "Choice Moms Answer the Tough Questions: Do I Have a Dad?" (formerly a CD product, available here for immediate $7 download).
Once upon a time, doctors advised infertile couples to keep the fact of donor conception a secret from everyone, including the child. Led partly by the lessons of adoption, and especially with more importance today placed on knowing ones genetic markers and family medical histories, being able to make limited contact with the donor someday has become encouraged.
It's hard to find baby books that don't have the obligatory "how I met your dad" and two-sided family tree chart to fill in. But there are options. Here are some of them.
Choice Moms was a "word of the year" contender in 2009 by New Oxford's New American dictionary. I created the term only five years ago in my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book to put the emphasis on Choice, not Single, in our motherhood journey.