4. My child will not care about missing a father, or about knowing his genetic history.

I recently heard from a documentarian who is looking for women who are looking into -- or using -- a co-parenting arrangement for their child.

In September 2010, we were discussing the importance of a support network on this website -- and how flexible we sometimes need to be about who we think we can count on. I featured this post from a woman who, accidents of timing, lost most of her support... after she found out she was pregnant with twins... shortly before she lost her job. Let's revisit her story now.

A woman on the Choice Moms Over 40 discussion board asked women to weigh in on her concerns about using Bravelle to try to conceive.

Long-time Choice Mom support Patricia Mendell, who works with single women in the New York City area who are building families on their own, has announced a new monthly support group to help families (single and coupled) create healthy families using egg, sperm and embryo donation, as well as surrogacy.

Periodically on the discussion boards, or in individual emails to me, women will ask for information about Pacific Reproductive Services, which is a less well-known sperm bank that was formed in 1984 to help single women and lesbian couples who were facing discrimination in family-building from the medical community.

For many of us, simply having sex with someone we love to produce a child is a great idea. But life being what it is today, women like us, busy with goals and options, have many more choices than we used to. We can delay child-bearing a few more years, generally into our 30s, sometimes into our early 40s. But when things don't go as easily as we would like, and we see the many options to motherhood available to us, how do we choose?

I just returned from Orlando, where hundreds of specialists in reproductive medicine gathered for their annual convention -- largely focused on helping women get pregnant with up-to-date research and technology. Here is some of what I learned, and people I talked to.

Well...this is a very interesting article on sperm donors who work outside of the banks, and why some of them do it that way.

Our Choice Mom-friendly fertility clinic in the Los Angeles area, C.A.R.E. Fertility, has created this Fertility Ties resource for helping U.S. women nationwide find a fertility clinic, egg donor agency, fertility pharmacy, and much more in their area.

Thanks to Danielle for bringing this list of storybooks to my attention for those of us who have used alternative methods to bring our children into the world.

A woman recently wrote about how exhausted she is about the Trying stage. Several IUIs, an IVF, lots of money spent. She was tired, out of money, and wondered if she should give up what has been an obsession to become a mother.

One of our Choice Mom-friendly legal experts, Chris Tymchuck, of Unique Estate Law, used third-party reproduction to build a family with her partner. Here is her special insight on what to know about the process of using a known donor.

If you're thinking of using a surrogate -- and I know a few Choice Moms who have -- there are important legal considerations. Here is advice from Choice Mom-friendly attorney Chris Tymchuck (Minnesota) about this method to motherhood.

As we continue our look this month into alternatives to the "traditional" IUI route for Choice Moms, here are some great resources.

Back in August 2010, two wonderful colleagues talked with each other in a radio show about moving beyond the "simple" conception options to surrogacy, adoption, embryo donation, egg donation and more. Here are highlights, and a direct link to the show.

I have three requests in my Inbox, two of them quite unusual. Two of them for media-related projects. One related to a known donor for the San Fran area.

Madeline Feingold is a therapist on our Top 20 list of Choice Mom-friendly counselors, associated with Alta Bates IVF in San Francisco. She offered insight on the actual words a parent can use, starting at a young age, to talk to their child about being donor-conceived.

We've been busy assembling new fertility resources for our large community in the Trying: Fertility stage. Use this link to our new page of medications involved in fertility treatment.

I heard from Fiona H. in Australia about the House of Parliament's decisions there about regulating the donor industry.

A woman on the Choice Mom discussion board asked what she could do to better guarantee her child's genetic health from an anonymous donor.

One thing I'm excited about is that in the coming months we will be featuring more content for our communities in Canada, the United Kingdom and Australia. Here is the story of one of us, currently living in the United Kingdom, that is in keeping with the February focus on "Partners."

I started thinking about becoming a Choice Mom three years ago, when I was 34.

This London-based woman shared her story about weight loss, and finding a fertility clinic that will take her out of country.

A Choice Mom who is always thinking of ways to boost the community emailed recently to suggest a "sperm sharing" service.

This documentary promises to be an interesting one for people using assisted reproduction technology.

Our Choice Mom-friendly therapist Patricia Mendell let us know about a special event this weekend in NYC for families (single and married) built through donor conception. There is also a second note here about her telephone group discussion this week on talking about donor conception.

There is a national discussion starting in the Australian Parliament about how to regulate and legislate donor conception practices across federal and state lines.

Several years ago I got a call from the long-time co-founder of California Cryobank (CCB), gently and intelligently "checking me out" as an educational partner in his attempt to help his colleagues in the sperm bank industry understand why some policies needed to change. Since then...

As I've mentioned, one news source that I follow faithfully is BioNews, which publishes information about fertility and genetics out of the United Kingdom. Here are some of their latest reports of interest to the Choice Mom community.

A woman with two young children wrote to say that a half-sibling of her kids was traveling to the U.S. from another country and wanted to meet, since the children shared the same sperm donor. The mother didn't feel prepared to talk to her kids about how they were connected, yet didn't want to miss the opportunity to meet.

ONLY TEN COPIES LEFT IN PRINT! Years ago I collaborated with Wendy and Ryan Kramer, the mother-and-son co-founders of Donor Sibling Registry, on some new tools for families created by donor conception. This was one of them.

Are you struggling (alone) with the weight of deciding whether to persevere with costly fertility treatments? There are mental health counselors who specialize in the fertility industry who are here to help you. This is great, detailed advice from one of them.

There is nothing that prompts more questions on Choice Mom discussion boards than when a single woman is purposely trying to conceive. We quickly learn how little we know about something we've been taught can be so easy. The Choice Mom Guide to Fertility gathers the most common questions and answers them, with the help of 15 fertility specialists we interviewed specifically for this book.

This is one in a series of Q&As I am conducting with members of the donor sperm industry. The goal is to help educate Choice Moms-in-the-making about important policies that should help inform their decision about which bank to work with, even before choosing a donor.

Lately I have been hearing from women who would love for me to return to creating new podcasts. I took 2011 off from the work, but hope to return this year with new shows -- and perhaps a webinar series! I currently have 46 shows available, with more than 39,000 downloads. Here's what's available.

I'm hearing from more women who are interested in learning about egg donors and embryo adoption. It's been suggested that the door to adoption might seem more limited for single women right now, making egg donation a more popular choice. Whatever the reasons, this new Choice Mom has a story to share about her past life as an egg donor, for those who are curious about the women behind the scenes.

This is a continuation of Lori's story, who realized that someday her donor-conceived child might need to qualify for federal student loans. Since the paperwork requires income records for both parents, and since there are plenty of other occasions in her state of Alabama where having a blank or "none" on the birth certificate might not work with government employees, she wanted to be proactive. She was surprised to learn recently what she really needed it for.

submitted by Lori
Will you ever have to prove your donor child doesn’t have a father? When I gave birth to my daughter via anonymous donor IUI in 1999, I hoped that the information regarding her father would be left blank on her birth certificate.

Thanks to Choice Moms sponsor Sepal Reproductive Devices, which offers products and insight for women using home insemination, for these guidelines on working with a known donor.

This is one in a series of policy comparisons ChoiceMoms.org is developing about the donor sperm industry. It's important for Choice Moms to be comfortable not only with a particular donor, but with the sperm bank that recruits and tests him. No one regulates the industry and women should understand the differences between banks before they "get in bed" with any donor.

This woman shared her story on the Choice Moms discussion board, and I thought it was a great reminder to women using a known donor: Make sure you talk about sperm testing before spending too much time trying to conceive.

Long-time Choice Mom supporter California Cryobank announced at the New York City event in July 2010 that it was opening a New York branch office in the fall. It will be located across from Grand Central Station, at 369 Lexington. The benefit for Choice Moms is....

I lived in New York City 18 years, so it's always a little odd for me to fly in and out of town for a weekend workshop, as I've done the last two visits. But we do pack a lot of information-sharing and support into these events, and the NYC event held in July 2010 was quite dense with resources. Here is some of what we shared.

I'd love to get the input of Choice Moms who went through the donor egg process, as it's a topic that hasn't been discussed much yet at ChoiceMoms.org, and I've heard from many women lately who would like to learn more about it. Use the Comments field below to post your questions, stories, answers.

I've been asked by some to offer comment on the study about donor-conceived kids that was released in May 2010 by the Commission on Parenthood's Future, in conjunction with the Institute of American Values.

Before Jessica had her baby girl in May, she had a long journey of thinking, and negotiating with a known donor. Here's her story in audio form.

submitted by Christy
My daughter is 2.5 years old. She is a little girl who doesn't need to ask a lot of questions, doesn't seem to need a lot of prep information, and simply adjusts at the time to whatever is happening around her. She doesn't yet ask why she doesn't have a dad, or who her donor is. But other kids are now starting to do so.

It is more important to start your donor search with selection of the right sperm bank, before identifying donor characteristics. Arm yourself with this checklist of questions to begin the process.

Egg and sperm donor banks must adhere to certain safety standards, related to infectious disease testing. However, the donors themselves are not required to have genetic testing. That's why it's important for you to know the standards of the bank you want to work with -- and know what questions to ask.

One advantage of sperm donor conception is that you are looking at your eggs and a donor's sperm much more scientifically than if you were conceiving with a man you fell in love with. That means you have tools at your disposal to prevent potential medical problems for your child. Your sperm bank might have evaluated your donor’s family history, but have you had yours evaluated as well?

I've long been fascinated with genetics. Partly because since my one sibling is adopted, I've always been mindful and curious about the nature vs. nurture questions. Now Wendy Kramer at Donor Sibling Registry is announcing an exciting new research project that will help explore some of these issues.

Some time ago a librarian wrote to me asking that I send my various books for Choice Moms and donor-conceived families to the Library of Congress for cataloging. This stemmed out of her discovery that there are very few books about donor conception available. She compiled this list, however, of everything she had found to that point.

Long-time Choice Moms adviser Patricia Mendell has created her own website that features articles and information of benefit to families conceived by donor conception.

Someone recently posted on one of the Choice Mom blogs that a friend of hers was intending to have sex with a stranger in order to get pregnant, and not tell the man. Not surprisingly, this made the friend uncomfortable.

At the Choice Moms Expo in Minneapolis, local sperm bank director Amy Erickson-Hagen of Cryogenic Laboratories talked to women about how to select the right sperm donor.

When your uncle is also the sperm donor who helped your lesbian parents conceive, you might presume "the" conversation about your origins would be a hard one. And what happens afterward?

A woman who currently lives in a European country that doesn't allow people to use donated egg or sperm asked the Choice Mom board for suggestions about where she might go for treatment options.

A woman asked on the discussion board: "Does anyone know how important it is that you have a doctor who is experienced in handling frozen sperm and the cryopack, and warming the little guys up? My first two attempts were the first two times my clinic has ever handled frozen sperm, in our little town of 9,000 people. My doctor has the vials in a water bath with a soup bowl and a mug from the staff kitchen at the clinic.

A majority of families using donor conception do not report births after the fact. This has a tremendous impact on the industry. The numbers of offspring born to a sperm donor, and even to egg donors, are generally vastly under-reported. If there is a genetic abnormality that surfaces in later years, families cannot be notified.

I have talked to many experts -- including donor-conceived adults -- about the pros, cons, strengths and weaknesses of anonymous and open-identity donor conception as the method to building a family. Listen in:

We're building an audio library featuring the best of our Choosing Single Motherhood radio show and Choice Chat podcasts. You can order the first of this collection, "Choice Moms Answer the Tough Questions: Do I Have a Dad?" (formerly a CD product, available here for immediate $7 download).

If you are using a known donor, you need to protect yourself emotionally as well as physically. Here are some tips:

Choice Mom adviser Ami Jaeger (Santa Fe) generously offers this advice and more, as available in the Choice Mom Guide to Fertility:

If you decide to conceive with the assistance of a known donor, there are several critical legal steps that you should complete with him to clarify your expectations and intentions. It is important to take these steps to protect your legal relationship with the child.

What do you do if your doctor tests the thawed sperm and discovers that the count seems low? Can you get a refund? One woman on the Choice Mom board reported that she requested a refund, only to find that she was given a 40% refund for a low-count vial, instead of 100%, because the vial was only 40% low. Which seemed like an odd policy. So we queried other banks for their policies. Here's what some of them reported:

Once upon a time, doctors advised infertile couples to keep the fact of donor conception a secret from everyone, including the child. Led partly by the lessons of adoption, and especially with more importance today placed on knowing ones genetic markers and family medical histories, being able to make limited contact with the donor someday has become encouraged.

Have you wondered what offspring conceived from donor sperm think about as they get older?

Three important documents have been supplied by Choice Moms.
1. Jessica created a list of comprehensive questions to discuss with her known donor candidates to help put expectations into contract form.
2. Fiona is a Canadian family attorney, who offered a sample agreement to use as a template for a known donor contract.
3. A co-parenting agreement has also been offered as a sample.

A growing number of independent websites and discussion groups have formed that connect donors directly with people who are in search of sperm. There obviously are no safeguards with this kind of contact. Many of the donors indicate they are giving altruistically, motivated only to help people create families.

There are many things to talk about with a known donor candidate. This Choice Chat podcast covers many of the issues with two unique experts.

submitted by Kenzie
Even before I made the choice to conceive with a known donor, I knew that however I conceived I would be doing it myself with as little medical intervention as possible. After all, it's my body, my fertility, and in the end I'm creating my family. It feels very important to me to take responsibility for and to understand the process, as well as the result.

Whether a woman is using ICI, IUI, or doing home insemination with frozen sperm, she must order either unwashed or washed sperm from a bank.

A fatal heart condition was passed on to at least nine of a donor's 24 children. While screening for all genetic issues is not possible, the question is: if this came to light for your donor, how would you (and the donor) learn about it? Read new comments on this post, and add your own for our report card.

If you are purchasing frozen sperm, how can you be assured of getting the sperm count you need in post-thaw for the best chance at success? Sperm banks are not regulated, so no one but the bank itself is checking their quality control. Some women report that their doctor tests a sample of the sperm before insemination to be sure it has a good count. If the doctor's testing methods are accurate, this can help.

Many parents focus on finding a donor with specific characteristics, but don't pay as much attention to the policies of the sperm bank they plan to use. This can have a profound impact on the family and the child someday. Do not pick a bank simply because it is the one recommended by your doctor.