I started thinking about becoming a Choice Mom three years ago, when I was 34.
After a relationship ended, and after much thinking, researching and discussing this path with my family and friends, I started trying with an open-identity sperm donor from Xytex, but after four unsuccessful months I become discouraged and so sad (I was surprised how much so!) that I had to take a break.
I met a new, great guy, but it did not work out and I started trying again. I became pregnant with the same sperm, after four more cycles, but after six weeks I miscarried.
Another hopeful relationship followed but ended, yet again, after nine months.
A family friend and his wife offered his sperm. That choice became even more appealing and “right” for me. I became pregnant. And I am pregnant today, four weeks, after a first insemination with this directed donor at my clinic. I know I could still miscarry, like last time….
I have spent the last three years on a roller-coaster from being in a relationship to trying to become pregnant. Every path brought joys and challenges. Every new relationship brought hope of a family with a partner, having a father for my child. Every new insemination brought hope of being a mom. Every break-up brought sadness about another potential partnership unrealized. And every unsuccessful cycle, a different kind of sadness.
My family and closest friends know about my journey and are very supportive. A few random strangers that I have shared my choice with were surprisingly positive as well.
Day-to-day, I am a very positive person and feel fortunate. I have a good life, a great job, moderate savings that will carry me over maternity leave and beyond — and I just tested pregnant! I should be thrilled, ecstatic, grateful. Yet, I am sitting here, feeling another roller coaster unfold.
I am thrilled, and I am letting my mind wonder about a future with this child. But I am also feeling doubtful. Have I made the right choice? This is going to be so difficult. Maybe I should have waited a bit longer to give another relationship a chance, to be smarter about the kind of man I decide to be with (I know there are no guarantees and I can’t control much of this).
On a rational level, I know feeling this way is probably okay. I can imagine that even a woman with a partner might feel emotional, not ready and doubtful. Still…
I am writing this to share and ask if and how other women have experienced this. (And, to see if there are Toronto-based women to connect with.)
Mikki’s note: Use keyword “Toronto” in the search function above to find articles about your area. And consider reading these Profiles of women who you might relate to:
- Valerie: up and down on my adoption path
- Stacy: Coping with pregnancy loss
- Linda: On the verge of my first insemination
- Stacey: Just you and me, kid
And read this helpful article by Choice Mom-friendly therapist Joann Paley Galst, addressing the worries of a newly pregnant mom and the fear of miscarriage.
See some of the Comments from other Toronto women below.