From Toronto: the fear of miscarriage

I started thinking about becoming a Choice Mom three years ago, when I was 34.

After a relationship ended, and after much thinking, researching and discussing this path with my family and friends, I started trying with an open-identity sperm donor from Xytex, but after four unsuccessful months I become discouraged and so sad (I was surprised how much so!) that I had to take a break.

I met a new, great guy, but it did not work out and I started trying again. I became pregnant with the same sperm, after four more cycles, but after six weeks I miscarried.

Another hopeful relationship followed but ended, yet again, after nine months.

A family friend and his wife offered his sperm. That choice became even more appealing and “right” for me. I became pregnant. And I am pregnant today, four weeks, after a first insemination with this directed donor at my clinic. I know I could still miscarry, like last time….

I have spent the last three years on a roller-coaster from being in a relationship to trying to become pregnant. Every path brought joys and challenges. Every new relationship brought hope of a family with a partner, having a father for my child. Every new insemination brought hope of being a mom. Every break-up brought sadness about another potential partnership unrealized. And every unsuccessful cycle, a different kind of sadness.

My family and closest friends know about my journey and are very supportive. A few random strangers that I have shared my choice with were surprisingly positive as well.

Day-to-day, I am a very positive person and feel fortunate. I have a good life, a great job, moderate savings that will carry me over maternity leave and beyond — and I just tested pregnant! I should be thrilled, ecstatic, grateful. Yet, I am sitting here, feeling another roller coaster unfold.

I am thrilled, and I am letting my mind wonder about a future with this child. But I am also feeling doubtful. Have I made the right choice? This is going to be so difficult. Maybe I should have waited a bit longer to give another relationship a chance, to be smarter about the kind of man I decide to be with (I know there are no guarantees and I can’t control much of this).

On a rational level, I know feeling this way is probably okay. I can imagine that even a woman with a partner might feel emotional, not ready and doubtful. Still…

I am writing this to share and ask if and how other women have experienced this. (And, to see if there are Toronto-based women to connect with.)

Mikki’s note: Use keyword “Toronto” in the search function above to find articles about your area. And consider reading these Profiles of women who you might relate to:

And read this helpful article by Choice Mom-friendly therapist Joann Paley Galst, addressing the worries of a newly pregnant mom and the fear of miscarriage.

See some of the Comments from other Toronto women below.

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  8 comments for “From Toronto: the fear of miscarriage

  1. YG
    July 13, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Hi there!
    I’m a Thinker in Toronto, hopefully to be a Tryer soon. My congratulations and best wishes to all of you who are so lucky to have succeeded in this step. I have all the fears and self doubts, but I believe the moms who say they’d never exchange back a single moment of life with their children.

    I’d love to connect with all and share thoughts and feelings.

    Best,

  2. Samantha
    April 8, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    I too live in toronto. I am in my early forties and currently in my second trimester with my first baby. I too used DS after thinking long and hard about whether I could and should raise a child by myself and I still think about this, although, as time goes on, in my pregnancy, I become more and more sure I’ve made the right decision.

    Believe me, when you see that lovely heart beating so fast and strong on an ultrasound, you will cry with the beauty of it! (It’s literally the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.)

    Our lives have irrevocably changed forever. I hope your baby is strong and thrives He should because it seems as though he has a really determined and strong mother! I am planning on attending the Choice Moms conference here in Toronto on June 4th.

  3. Sarah
    March 17, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I’m just starting on this process at the age of 40, after thinking I would meet the one and it not happening. I’d like to be a parent, but I really understand your fears and concerns. I’m also in Toronto.

    Would love to hear from you!

  4. Louise
    March 1, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    I think you’ve made a wonderful decision! I’m turning 40 this year and over the last few years have contemplated having a child. I haven’t acted on it yet but I feel this is the year I’m going to move forward. I too have had failed relationships. I had a long talk with a girlfriend tonight and she assured me that, as long as I have a great support system, everything will fall into place. Her talk was calming and encouraging. She laid out the ‘fun’ expectations alongside the reality of what she’s experience so far (one year old twins). I don’t know you but woman to woman, I’m extremely happy for you. Self doubt will always creep into our minds but I think you know in heart of hearts that you made the right decision and a decision that was properly thought out. You don’t seem like a rash & hasty individual. Congratulations! (I’m also in Toronto)

  5. Piary
    February 7, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Hi Karin, I sent you an email via the email address Mikki had for you, but it came back. If you’re still around you can send Mikki your new address so that it is not posted here publicly. She’ll connect us.

    Thanks!
    Piary

  6. MJ
    February 5, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Hello,

    I have just completed 6 weeks pregnant and feeling alone and doubtful just like you and my family is not supporting me of my decision. I am in Toronto. Is there a way we could get in touch? My email is laila11122@yahoo.com.

    Thanks

  7. Piary
    February 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Hi Karin, thanks for your post – I would love to connect! How do we do that? Mikki has my email address, she can put us in touch.
    P.

  8. Karin
    February 4, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Hi there,
    I too am pregnant (14 weeks), I share your worries and I live in Toronto! I find I can only take it one day at a time otherwise I get anxious.I also found, during the first trimester, when nothing was ‘obviously’ going on that my thoughts were really hard to reel in. Now, as I am getting increasingly bloated(haha), have seen my ultrasound and have heard the heartbeat, I am getting more excited and less scared.
    Le me know if you want to connect.
    Best,
    Karin

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