Dealing with the stress of fertility treatment
It seems so exciting. I'm going to have a baby! I'm buying sperm! I'm going to see the doctor!
It seems so scary. I'm going to have a baby! I'm buying sperm! I'm going to see the doctor!
No matter whether we dreamed about having babies when we were younger or not, the fact of inserting sperm into our bodies in a method less natural than clinical is not generally how we envisioned building our family.
And then there are the fears: Miscarriage? Multiples? My health? Baby's health? Am I sure this is what I want to do? Am I sure I've waited long enough for my partner to show up, or my finances to shape up? These are the typical concerns and questions we face.
Less talked about are the deeper emotions of this process. Loneliness. Jealousy. Anger.
A work colleague announces her pregnancy and you hate her. The fact that she's pregnant. The romantic way she conceived. How simple it seemed. How excited everyone is for her. And her elated partner.
You agonize over springing for the expensive fertility tests and monitoring that insurance doesn't cover.
Choice Moms adviser Patricia Mendell, a New York-based mental health counselor, says that the majority of people who give up on fertility treatment do so because of the stress involved. Her role is to help people manage the stress so they can stay in the struggle longer. "It's like preparing for a marathon," she says.
And if it wasn't hard enough to get pregnant without a partner, stress and depression about struggling to conceive can cut fertility success in half, according to some studies.
Boston-based health psychologist Alice Domar took a pool of 184 women who had been trying to conceive for one to two years. One group took a program in mind/body techniques and 55 percent gave birth to a child. Another group participated in a support group and 54 percent conceived. Of the control group, with no mind/body intervention, 20 percent conceived.
Some of Domar's tips:
1. Anticipate stupid and offensive comments people could make that would bother you, and pre-plan and memorize comeback lines that are either educational or sharp;
2. When it seems that pregnant women are all around you, and yet another one has emerged and set you on the precipice of grief and jealousy, ask yourself whether her pregnancy diminishes your chances of getting pregnant;
3. Find and use relaxation techniques that work for you: meditation, massage. yoga, guided imagery, cognitive therapy, journaling, support group, mindfulness training;
4. Examine your biases about adoption and process whether these are options for you (some women prefer the more guaranteed route to motherhood of adoption, others want to give every opportunity first to seeing if the experience of being pregnant is available to them).
All the medical technology available to couples today cannot resolve the deep emotional issues that come into the fertility clinic setting with them. "Sometimes Internet chat groups just stress people out more. Therapists, face-to-face support groups, and mind/body relaxation techniques can be crucial in helping people get the professional support they need," says Dr. Carolyn Givens, of San Francisco-based Pacific Fertility Center.
