Welcome Thinkers!

There is no 1-2-3 formula to deciding whether the Choice Motherhood lifestyle is right for you. But there are a lot of ways to try to figure it out. This is a good place to start.

After a single dad wrote in who was feeling isolated with his young child, ChoiceMom.org readers chimed in with their own insights. One of the comments was about something we've talked about here before -- your support network often won't be what you expect it will be -- and is worthy of new discussion here.

My blog about pivot points having more impact on our kids than a "lack" of something in their life prompted a comment from a single dad. His comment was long, and I thought it was good fodder for a new post on the "support network" theme of the month on ChoiceMoms.org, so I'm using it here.

One of the things I loved about the new Choice Mom memoir by Stacey MacGlashen, "Just you and me, kid," was the insight she offered to other Choice Moms about the reality of the newborn days. Her kind reminder to women like us that attempting to be superwoman is just plain dumb. And her warning to pre-moms that you need a certain kind of stamina -- that most of us do have -- in order to succeed.

"Even the most independent or progressive among us didn't play house without at least going through the motions of assigning someone the dad role...Our childhood fairy tale fantasies involved Prince Charming and happily ever after, not donor number 5931...and a brief encounter with a syringe."

A few years ago a producer for noted conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly called to test me for a potential debate with his boss about why Choice Moms dislike men. Maybe it's because I was pretty easy-going in my responses, but I was never booked for the show. In his recent remarks about Choice Motherhood, however, I see he still has a bug up his

It's hard for self-sufficient women to ask for help -- or even acknowledge to ourselves that we need it. But we do. Even more than we care to admit, because we tend to be so hard on ourselves. This month I'm thinking about the kinds of support Choice Moms need, and how we can get and give it as a community.

We recently read about Diana's decision NOT to become a Choice Mom. Here is Part 2 of her story, when she decides to move into the Trying stage after all.

While in London I had the pleasure of meeting a woman at the Choice Mom gathering who told me about how she had decided some time ago that she definitely would not become a single mom -- partly after reading my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book. 18 months later, however, she's back on the path. I asked her to share her story about the thinking process.

Thanks to the generosity of Choice Mom Emily, I've been able to spend a wonderful 10-day holiday in London with my kids and parents. While here I met in Coram's Field with 14 women, including Moms, Thinkers and Tryers from Belfast, Dublin, Belgium and many others in the United Kingdom. I also met with a large group of Ph.D. students in Cambridge, who were interested in the Choice Mom story.

My favorite part of Choice Mom networking events this year is our opening large group discussion, when we talk together from all stages about the issues and concerns we have faced. In the DC event, we had several Thinkers who wanted to know how women moved comfortably into the Trying stage. The question being, "How did you get to yes?" In response, Tryers and Moms reported:

At the Choice Moms networking event in D.C., Birthing Hands doula Claudia Booker offered many great tips for women about how to build a support network. She reiterated the importance of preparing for this well before the baby arrives. Some of her suggestions:

Of the hundreds of stories I've heard from Choice Moms over the years, one of the most common threads I've heard in hindsight is "I wish I hadn't waited so long."

Even if insemination wasn't your first choice for having a child, there is still an important factor of love in the equation, as Maia Midwifery's Kristin Kali talked about at our Choice Mom event in San Francisco.

Before Jessica had her baby girl in May, she had a long journey of thinking, and negotiating with a known donor. Here's her story in audio form.

We all know it's not healthy to be in debt. But when you've got fertility or adoption costs, a home to set up, a safe car to invest in, loans to pay off, and childcare to save or pay for, raising a child on one paycheck can be incredibly daunting. One friend of Choice Moms at numerous workshops has been Ameriprise, which offers this advice on debt.

A woman on the Alternatives to Marriage Project Facebook page wrote that she was denied coverage for fertility treatments because she isn't married. She's on the Choice Mom path. Let's weigh in on which insurance companies do a better job of coverage.

It is more important to start your donor search with selection of the right sperm bank, before identifying donor characteristics. Arm yourself with this checklist of questions to begin the process.

I recently discovered the book "DailyOM: Inspirational Thoughts for a Happy, Healthy and Fulfilling Day," while working at the Unitarian Universalist Association's bookstore during its recent annual convention.

Choice Mom Deb suggested this fun idea, in the vein of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..." We're now creating our own list for "You Know You Might Be a Choice Mom If..." She got us started.

I'm often asked how Choice Moms handle Father's Day. And we often wonder -- especially before we have kids, or when our children are quite young -- whether they are missing out on something important by growing up without a father.

One of the best gifts of Choice Mom networking events is when small groups of women on similar paths find each other to discuss their joys and concerns. Here's what women in the Trying stage talked about with counselor Krista Post.

A group of women at a Choice Mom networking event discussed, with the help of counselor Krista Post, the nuances of talking about taking this path with close friends, family and colleagues.

That's how much it reportedly costs to raise a child these days. That is, if you are part of a married couple with middle class income. The report indicated that the amount you spend on a child depends on what you earn. But here's what the average costs tend to be.

At a Choice Mom networking event in 2008, I had the pleasure of meeting Anne Catherine Hundhausen. Since then, she has told her Choice Mom journey in a highly recommended documentary, about the grays of the donor conception process for her. Here's her personal story.

submitted by WarnerMom
One woman's search for her child, weaving through many non-traditional options.

Long-time Choice Moms adviser Patricia Mendell has created her own website that features articles and information of benefit to families conceived by donor conception.

I recently discovered a great book by Kara Stefan titled "Head of Household: Money Management for Single Parents." It covers budgeting, childcare, credit, healthcare, housing, insurance and more.

It's been a big week for keeping up with media requests. NOT, as I had expected, because of my recent debate with a father's rights advocate (thanks to ALL of you for adding your voice to the comments on PublicSquare.net that show our rationality), but simply accidental. Thought you might be interested in hearing what I've been repeating this week about who we are.

Uber organized Jessica, a Choice Mom in every way, will deliver her first child in a few months. While she was in the Thinking process -- preceding a long Trying phase -- she developed a worksheet that calculated how much she would need to spend trying to conceive, for prenatal care, for newborn items, and for post-delivery childcare expenses for a year. Here are the numbers she came up with.

I recently attended a talk by money counselor Ruth Hayden, author of "Your Money Life" workbook and many other resources for people who want to understand personal use (misuse?) of money and time. As she pointed out, the two are often linked. Here is some of what I learned.

Are you thinking that life is unfair? That you might not be worthy of having a child? That Choice Motherhood is a path of defeat? That no one has chosen you? That you are an oddball for even considering this voyage? That your child would be branded as an outsider? Before you embark on this journey consider these words from Victoria Castle, author of The Trance of Scarcity.

A 40-year-old woman has been involved for five years with a man who doesn't think he wants a child. They broke up a few years ago because she wanted a child, and he said he'd go along with it. But she now realizes that's probably not going to happen.

There are three things Choice Moms report in hindsight are their biggest regrets. What do you think they are?

It can seem off-putting when your fertility doctor asks you to do a psychological evaluation before embarking on Choice Motherhood. But it's common at many clinics.

I was asked by American Fertility Association to write an op-ed about my reaction to the stories, issues and disapproval I've heard about a single parent's ability to be the best they can be for their child.

Perhaps the most common frustration expressed on the Choice Mom discussion board is the single woman who, in hindsight, wished she had started earlier to explore and use her own fertility. We tend to presume that if we have regular periods, are in good health, and are paying for costly insemination attempts with a doctor that conception will happen easily.

Choice Mom Lori Gottlieb made headlines two years ago when she wrote an Atlantic Monthly piece suggesting that maybe single women like her, opting to have kids alone, were simply too picky about finding a partner. Now she's made headlines again with her New York Times best-selling book.

Human Fertility journal published the findings of Susan Golombok's Cambridge University survey of who Choice Moms are, and are not. Notable findings: we have a high percentage of post-graduate degrees, and we don't hate men. But, of course, we knew that.

I've talked with a few professional single black women who have admitted feeling almost reluctant to take this step because of the long-standing stigma about single black parenting.

Choice Moms was a "word of the year" contender in 2009 by New Oxford's New American dictionary. I created the term only five years ago in my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book to put the emphasis on Choice, not Single, in our motherhood journey.

One woman on the Choice Mom discussion board noticed a pattern -- that others have agreed with -- about who tends to disapprove of the Choice Mom path, and who does not: