Welcome Thinkers!

Returning sponsor European Sperm Bank of the USA is enabling me to spend the time creating five more podcasts this year for the Choice Mom community. What do you want to hear?

Women have asked to hear the stories of Choice Moms who found lasting relationships after motherhood. I know several of them. Here is one of them, from Megan.

In "Daring Greatly," author Brene Brown writes about how we tend to go halfway to meet goals. We hedge our bets by taking a small step forward; if the small step doesn't work so well, at least we haven't invested too much of ourselves emotionally.

A Choice Mom wrote that she had tried on her own for three years (3 IUI, 3 IVF). Next up was embryo donation. But while she was taking a break, she met a wonderful man, who she has now been with for 1.5 years.

A friend recommended that I read Brene Brown's new book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

I'm always looking for good stories by women who decide not to become a Choice Mom -- and live to tell about it. And here is a great two-part series I found on Huffington Post.

If you read my recent post about reproductive technology and the law, you know that France is one of those countries that has not progressed as far as the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada and several other European countries in terms of allowing for non-traditional family building.

Choice Motherhood is becoming a "Plan A" idea for more women across the country. I talked with a producer who is interested in doing what we talk about at our networking events: promoting the pride and amazing strength of the women in the Choice Mom community.

I met someone recently who is a project manager finished with two years of sustainable development work in Nigeria, preparing for a new adventure in South Sudan. As we talked alongside a bonfire that we stoked until 4 a.m., I was invigorated by the reminder that it was a spirit of adventure that enabled me to become a Choice Mom in the first place.

Thanks to the woman on the Choice-Mom-Over-40 discussion board who gave me permission to reprint her advice to a 39-year-old woman whose ob/gyn didn't think testing was needed and that she should "simply try" to conceive.

I took my son and his friend to the lakeside cabin for a 24-hour festival of swimming, boating and s’mores roasting. No Internet games or Wii. It ended up being cloudy and gray and threatening to rain much of the time, with huge gusts of wind. So, we did none of the things that we intended to do.

In a recent newspaper article, "Middle Class Trading 'I Do' for 'Maybe Later,'" I was quoted talking about the economics of not having a husband (or "co-parent," as I inadvertently called it). I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on the subject.

A newcomer on our Choice Moms Over 40 discussion board did 12 cycles of IUI before her clinic noticed that she had "fallen through the cracks" and suggested she try IVF instead. Unfortunately, this does happen. When women find their ChoiceMoms.org peers, it becomes easier to learn what to ask doctors in order to achieve motherhood.

This week I heard from four media outlets on stories they are pursuing about Choice Motherhood. One was this TV show idea.

I turned 50 on Monday, after a great weekend of community connecting. New and old friends (ranging in age from 23 to 73) came to my house Saturday for a music jam and conversation that was truly heart-warming and fun.

I was asked by a board member of the American Fertility Association to write an article about the five myths of Choice Motherhood that many single women believe. I wanted to share those myths on ChoiceMoms.org as well

After about five years of Thinking, a woman who has long been reading Choice Mom discussion board posts finally went in for her fertility tests and was happily ready to proceed.

A woman I have been in communication with over the years is a television producer who is ready to create a show about the Choice Mom journey, starting at the beginning of the process.

For many of us, simply having sex with someone we love to produce a child is a great idea. But life being what it is today, women like us, busy with goals and options, have many more choices than we used to. We can delay child-bearing a few more years, generally into our 30s, sometimes into our early 40s. But when things don't go as easily as we would like, and we see the many options to motherhood available to us, how do we choose?

There was an interesting question on the ChoiceMomsOver40 discussion group recently. When are you too old to start motherhood?

I recently heard from this woman, in search of some outside insight. And it's no wonder, when you read her story. Yet, it's not an uncommon dilemma. Many of us have been in this place. Or have faced similar indecision about whether Choice Motherhood is the right step. What do you suggest for her?

Two women from our 2010 Austin event have emerged to keep the conversations happening and the resources shared in that part of the U.S. Here's the story of one of them.

"Women trying to conceive often forget the importance of taking care of themselves," said Dr. Lee Kao, of San Francisco-based Laurel Fertility Care. "We often see patients who are so focused on caring for everything else that they actually decrease their success by not focusing on themselves first."

As we develop more (largely FREE!) e-books and other special guides for the Choice Mom community, I thought this would be a good place to list everything so far available. This list will grow, so keep checking back.

When I hosted the first Choice Mom networking event, in San Francisco in 2007, one of the sponsors was a new egg-freezing company. The concept was in its earliest stages.

We kick off our March focus on "conscious conversations" with this wonderful response by CNN's Jessica Ravitz to a Huffington Post commentary speculating why women like us are not married.

This Thinker shared her story on the Choice Mom discussion board after "lurking" for awhile, and there were so many good tidbits to share with the wider community that I asked for permission to excerpt it here.

From a Thinker: I wrote a few months ago, when I was starting my Thinking journey. I think I wrote because I needed to make contact with someone.

We're kicking off February with a few stories of Choice Moms who intended to build a family with a partner -- and for various reasons didn't find the right One. In this story, we hear from a woman who has been through the wringer and is still torn.

I came across Emma's story in a blog that mentioned my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book, and she gave me permission to excerpt her story here. You can read her full blog here.

I started thinking about becoming a Choice Mom three years ago, when I was 34.

Writes Valerie: "I've been at a bus stop for a month now.

A young law student, proactively planning ahead about eight years, asked women on the discussion board for their views on her plan. Here's what she wondered...

Kim, 45, launched an interesting question on one of the Choice Mom discussion boards last week. She was curious what women thought about whether there was an age when it was "too old" to be a parent. Not in terms of conceiving, but just general parenting.

I heard recently from this woman who is leaving the Choice Mom discussion group, and asked her to share her story about why she was on the journey, and why she is now leaving it.

Two years ago a woman on the Choice Mom discussion board wrote about the anger she was feeling about having to make the choice to become a single mother. By serendipity, I went looking for her on this New Year's Day, and discovered she hasn't posted since. As we usher in the new year, I wonder how many women have resolved certain emotions...and how many are stuck? I thought it was a great way to lead off conversation in 2011.

This arrived as a comment to another post, and I thought it was a great conversation starter as a blog. "As a Thinker I tend to over-think everything. I believe learning to ask for help is a good philosophy for life. But what if all your plans fail and you have to do it ALL alone?

It is always surprising to me how often I seem to be in a state of revising my plans. I meant to grow up, meet my prince, get married and have kids. I really did. It just didn't work out that way.

To be honest, I never wanted to be a single parent. After watching my mom try to work and raise a family, and being part of a family that often seemed to suffer because of work, I never wanted to raise kids by myself.

Hi! I am a "thinker" with PCOS. I am definitely not the poster child for PCOS. I never experienced symptoms until my early 20s and I am not overweight. I am 28 in a few weeks and have been diagnosed with PCOS since January 2009. I will start from the beginning (this may be a little long).

Arlene is a Seattle-based counselor and Choice Mom of a teenage daughter. I met her when she participated in one of my New York City networking events. She specializes in working with Choice Moms-in-the-making. Here are some of her thoughts:

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a great resource for information about foster care adoption. Here are some of the numbers they offered in National Adoption Month (November 2010) about the kids waiting in foster care for adoptive homes.

I love getting "thank you" emails from women on the journey. I recently heard from Linda, who allowed me to share her story here.

There are a lot of things to misunderstand about adoption. Test your knowledge here.

When you are feeling isolated, angry, depressed or confused about the Choice Mom path, the discussion boards have become a good place to vent and share. But sometimes we need someone who not only understands the Thinking to Being stages, but is specifically trained to talk with us about our emotions.

These mental health therapists have an interest in working with single women about grief, fertility, adoption, and other aspects of the Choice Mom journey. They have been recommended by Choice Moms.

In National Adoption Month I want to share some of the stories of single women who have become mothers because of adoption.

On this 9/11 day, I wanted to reflect on the impact that day had on me as a Choice Mom. My daughter and I were living in New York City, about 20 blocks away from the World Trade Center, and until then I had no intention of leaving the city that had been my home for 18 years.

As I mentioned a few years ago, many women choosing single motherhood these days are younger than what we might consider "the norm." One Choice Mom writing a story for The New York Times is interested in writing about the "Gen Y" group.

I've been hearing more lately from women (and men) who don't have the easier community acceptance that many of us have grown accustomed to in North America. Here is one woman who reached out from South Africa, looking for community.

Many Choice Moms-in-the-making are dismayed to learn later in the game that they suffer from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), which is one of the leading factors of female infertility. PCOS affects approximately 1 in every 10 women, and of those, about 45 percent experience fertility challenges.

After a single dad wrote in who was feeling isolated with his young child, ChoiceMom.org readers chimed in with their own insights. One of the comments was about something we've talked about here before -- your support network often won't be what you expect it will be -- and is worthy of new discussion here.

There is no 1-2-3 formula to deciding whether the Choice Motherhood lifestyle is right for you. But there are a lot of ways to try to figure it out. This is a good place to start.

"Even the most independent or progressive among us didn't play house without at least going through the motions of assigning someone the dad role...Our childhood fairy tale fantasies involved Prince Charming and happily ever after, not donor number 5931...and a brief encounter with a syringe."

A few years ago a producer for noted conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly called to test me for a potential debate with his boss about why Choice Moms dislike men. Maybe it's because I was pretty easy-going in my responses, but I was never booked for the show. In his recent remarks about Choice Motherhood, however, I see he still has a bug up his

It's hard for self-sufficient women to ask for help -- or even acknowledge to ourselves that we need it. But we do. Even more than we care to admit, because we tend to be so hard on ourselves. This month I'm thinking about the kinds of support Choice Moms need, and how we can get and give it as a community.

We recently read about Diana's decision NOT to become a Choice Mom. Here is Part 2 of her story, when she decides to move into the Trying stage after all.

While in London I had the pleasure of meeting a woman at the Choice Mom gathering who told me about how she had decided some time ago that she definitely would not become a single mom -- partly after reading my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book. 18 months later, however, she's back on the path. I asked her to share her story about the thinking process.

My favorite part of Choice Mom networking events this year is our opening large group discussion, when we talk together from all stages about the issues and concerns we have faced. In the D.C. event, we had several Thinkers who wanted to know how women moved comfortably into the Trying stage. The question being, "How did you get to yes?" In response, Tryers and Moms reported:

At the Choice Moms networking event in D.C., Birthing Hands doula Claudia Booker offered many great tips for women about how to build a support network. She reiterated the importance of preparing for this well before the baby arrives. Some of her suggestions:

Of the hundreds of stories I've heard from Choice Moms over the years, one of the most common threads I've heard in hindsight is "I wish I hadn't waited so long."

Before Jessica had her baby girl in May, she had a long journey of thinking, and negotiating with a known donor. Here's her story in audio form.

It is more important to start your donor search with selection of the right sperm bank, before identifying donor characteristics. Arm yourself with this checklist of questions to begin the process.

A group of women at a Choice Mom networking event discussed, with the help of counselor Krista Post, the nuances of talking about taking this path with close friends, family and colleagues.

That's how much it reportedly costs to raise a child these days. That is, if you are part of a married couple with middle class income. The report indicated that the amount you spend on a child depends on what you earn. But here's what the average costs tend to be.

At a Choice Mom networking event in 2008, I had the pleasure of meeting Anne Catherine Hundhausen. Since then, she has told her Choice Mom journey in a highly recommended documentary, about the grays of the donor conception process for her. Here's her personal story.

Long-time Choice Moms adviser Patricia Mendell has created her own website that features articles and information of benefit to families conceived by donor conception.

Someone recently posted on one of the Choice Mom blogs that a friend of hers was intending to have sex with a stranger in order to get pregnant, and not tell the man. Not surprisingly, this made the friend uncomfortable.

Uber organized Jessica, a Choice Mom in every way, will deliver her first child in a few months. While she was in the Thinking process -- preceding a long Trying phase -- she developed a worksheet that calculated how much she would need to spend trying to conceive, for prenatal care, for newborn items, and for post-delivery childcare expenses for a year. Here are the numbers she came up with.

Are you thinking that life is unfair? That you might not be worthy of having a child? That Choice Motherhood is a path of defeat? That no one has chosen you? That you are an oddball for even considering this voyage? That your child would be branded as an outsider? Before you embark on this journey consider these words from Victoria Castle, author of The Trance of Scarcity.

A 40-year-old woman has been involved for five years with a man who doesn't think he wants a child. They broke up a few years ago because she wanted a child, and he said he'd go along with it. But she now realizes that's probably not going to happen.

There are three things Choice Moms report in hindsight are their biggest regrets. What do you think they are?

It can seem off-putting when your fertility doctor asks you to do a psychological evaluation before embarking on Choice Motherhood. But it's common at many clinics.

submitted by Deirdre Fishel
I began filming "Sperm Donor X," a 54-minute documentary, when I was 40 and found myself at a precipice. I wanted to have a biological child, yet doing it alone with donor sperm felt bizarre and terrifying. I had no idea how my story would end and I wanted to find other women facing the same turning point.

If you're like me, organizing your financial picture so you can take the temperature of whether you can afford Choice Motherhood, or fertility treatments, or adoption, or an au pair, is not nearly as fun as those "Who Am I" surveys they make you do in third grade.

Perhaps the most common frustration expressed on the Choice Mom discussion board is the single woman who, in hindsight, wished she had started earlier to explore and use her own fertility. We tend to presume that if we have regular periods, are in good health, and are paying for costly insemination attempts with a doctor that conception will happen easily.

Human Fertility journal published the findings of Susan Golombok's Cambridge University survey of who Choice Moms are, and are not. Notable findings: we have a high percentage of post-graduate degrees, and we don't hate men. But, of course, we knew that.

I've talked with a few professional single black women who have admitted feeling almost reluctant to take this step because of the long-standing stigma about single black parenting.

One woman on the Choice Mom discussion board noticed a pattern -- that others have agreed with -- about who tends to disapprove of the Choice Mom path, and who does not: