Welcome Tryers!

Returning sponsor European Sperm Bank of the USA is enabling me to spend the time creating five more podcasts this year for the Choice Mom community. What do you want to hear?

By the age of 34, I had a graduate degree, a house, a good job and a few years of travel under my belt. I’d been trying to become a mom for 18 months and had 8 failed IUIs with a donor. I had chosen the donor route because I thought it would be faster, cheaper and easier than adoption. Boy, was I wrong. I took another look at adoption and decided to go for it. Here’s my story.

A woman on a Choice Mom discussion board asked: is sperm considered tax deductible as a medical expense, in the United States?

A new thread on one of the Choice Mom discussion boards begs this question: did you have good health insurance coverage for fertility treatments, or not? And... name names...

Women in the Thinking, Trying and Waiting stages frequently turn to the Choice Mom community discussion boards to find out how to tell others about making this choice. In our new 20-page e-guide ($1.95), you'll find a smorgasbord of advice and stories about the approaches Choice Moms have taken.

There is nothing more maddening than thinking that your own body and its monthly cycles should give you great insight about when is the right day to try to conceive. But... we tend to learn that it is easier to say "no" to pregnancy than to say "yes." The reproductive aspects of our body are more mysterious than we thought.

Women have asked to hear the stories of Choice Moms who found lasting relationships after motherhood. I know several of them. Here is one of them, from Megan.

A few days ago I got an email from a Choice Mom of three who had some concerns.

Calling women in Las Vegas, Arizona, San Diego or San Francisco: Casting agent looking for women who are proud about beginning their Choice Mom journey.

Another interesting opportunity, this one for women in New York City, New Jersey or Connecticut.

If you read my recent post about reproductive technology and the law, you know that France is one of those countries that has not progressed as far as the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada and several other European countries in terms of allowing for non-traditional family building.

Choice Motherhood is becoming a "Plan A" idea for more women across the country. I talked with a producer who is interested in doing what we talk about at our networking events: promoting the pride and amazing strength of the women in the Choice Mom community.

I met someone recently who is a project manager finished with two years of sustainable development work in Nigeria, preparing for a new adventure in South Sudan. As we talked alongside a bonfire that we stoked until 4 a.m., I was invigorated by the reminder that it was a spirit of adventure that enabled me to become a Choice Mom in the first place.

Thanks to the woman on the Choice-Mom-Over-40 discussion board who gave me permission to reprint her advice to a 39-year-old woman whose ob/gyn didn't think testing was needed and that she should "simply try" to conceive.

I took my son and his friend to the lakeside cabin for a 24-hour festival of swimming, boating and s’mores roasting. No Internet games or Wii. It ended up being cloudy and gray and threatening to rain much of the time, with huge gusts of wind. So, we did none of the things that we intended to do.

There are many women who visit this website looking for information about home insemination. It is one of the most popular search terms at ChoiceMoms.org. Now, in one 20-page package, is the best information for this community.

In a recent newspaper article, "Middle Class Trading 'I Do' for 'Maybe Later,'" I was quoted talking about the economics of not having a husband (or "co-parent," as I inadvertently called it). I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on the subject.

This week I heard from four media outlets on stories they are pursuing about Choice Motherhood. One was this TV show idea.

I turned 50 on Monday, after a great weekend of community connecting. New and old friends (ranging in age from 23 to 73) came to my house Saturday for a music jam and conversation that was truly heart-warming and fun.

I was asked by a board member of the American Fertility Association to write an article about the five myths of Choice Motherhood that many single women believe. I wanted to share those myths on ChoiceMoms.org as well

After about five years of Thinking, a woman who has long been reading Choice Mom discussion board posts finally went in for her fertility tests and was happily ready to proceed.

A woman on the Choice Moms Over 40 discussion board asked women to weigh in on her concerns about using Bravelle to try to conceive.

After waiting over a year for my adoption to finalize, I’ve accepted that I will never become a mother
through my current adoption program. I’ve learned a lot hard lessons along the way. The only
redeeming feature of my journey? The chance to tell others how to avoid a similar fate. If you are
considering adoption, here is what I've learned:

This funny compilation was started on the Choice Mom discussion group, where women have been periodically posting their own moments.

For many of us, simply having sex with someone we love to produce a child is a great idea. But life being what it is today, women like us, busy with goals and options, have many more choices than we used to. We can delay child-bearing a few more years, generally into our 30s, sometimes into our early 40s. But when things don't go as easily as we would like, and we see the many options to motherhood available to us, how do we choose?

I'm very much looking forward to meeting Sarah at next week's Choice Mom event in Seattle. She's updated me on her journey a few times. And it's a great example of how life can unfold in unpredictable ways. Here is her story.

We have an excellent group of fertility experts who provide sponsorship of Choice Mom resources. Periodically we go to them with "Ask the Fertility Expert" questions. Here's one that appeared on the discussion board recently, and the response of one of the doctors in our network.

I recently heard from this woman, in search of some outside insight. And it's no wonder, when you read her story. Yet, it's not an uncommon dilemma. Many of us have been in this place. Or have faced similar indecision about whether Choice Motherhood is the right step. What do you suggest for her?

If you live in D.C., Virginia, or Maryland, and are considering using a surrogate, this is a good legal overview of the laws in those areas.

This is a good NPR story that lists some of the resources available to help fund IVF.

Choice Moms has recently started conversation with Embryo Donation International, which actively works with single women and lesbians who have neither viable eggs or sperm with which to start a family.

"Women trying to conceive often forget the importance of taking care of themselves," said Dr. Lee Kao, of San Francisco-based Laurel Fertility Care. "We often see patients who are so focused on caring for everything else that they actually decrease their success by not focusing on themselves first."

There are alternatives to the "traditional" IUI route for Choice Moms. Here are some great resources.

As we develop more (largely FREE!) e-books and other special guides for the Choice Mom community, I thought this would be a good place to list everything so far available. This list will grow, so keep checking back.

Back in August 2010, two wonderful colleagues talked with each other in a radio show about moving beyond the "simple" conception options to surrogacy, adoption, embryo donation, egg donation and more. Here are highlights, and a direct link to the show.

Three noteworthy news items to share with you this week....

This Thinker shared her story on the Choice Mom discussion board after "lurking" for awhile, and there were so many good tidbits to share with the wider community that I asked for permission to excerpt it here.

From a Thinker: I wrote a few months ago, when I was starting my Thinking journey. I think I wrote because I needed to make contact with someone.

I started thinking about becoming a Choice Mom three years ago, when I was 34.

This is a wonderful article that takes a fresh look at building family in non-mainstream ways, which originally appeared in The New York Times in January 2010.

One of my favorite websites is CreatingaFamily.com, run by Dawn Davenport. Like me, she's developed a comprehensive resource for her community as a labor of love. Hers is specifically designed for anyone building families through adoption, egg and sperm donation, surrogacy. Here are highlights:

As I begin exploring the area of embryo adoption for the Choice Mom community, I am finding partners in the area who can talk us through the wide open frontier it seems to be right now. Here are my notes from one recent conversation.

More Choice Moms are looking into embryo donation these days, perhaps because international adoption doors once open to single women seem closed right now because of protracted governmental regulatory issues. Here are a few things you should know about this growing family-building option:

To be honest, I never wanted to be a single parent. After watching my mom try to work and raise a family, and being part of a family that often seemed to suffer because of work, I never wanted to raise kids by myself.

I spent part of the morning worrying about my bathmat. Actually my lack of a bathmat. I’d spilled something on it some weeks ago and couldn’t get it clean so I’d thrown it away. I’d been using a towel as a mat ever since. What would the social worker doing my home study think of that?

It took me over a year to decide to become a single mom. Once the year was over, the biggest concern for me was the financial aspect. I considered the cost of becoming a mother, being a mother, having a sick child.

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a great resource for information about foster care adoption. Here are some of the numbers they offered in National Adoption Month (November 2010) about the kids waiting in foster care for adoptive homes.

I love getting "thank you" emails from women on the journey. I recently heard from Linda, who allowed me to share her story here.

There are a lot of things to misunderstand about adoption. Test your knowledge here.

It's amazing what we discover we don't know about how to conceive when we're really trying to. These three notable fertility specialists spell everything out on the "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio show.

Given the large number of questions on the Choice Mom discussion boards about fertility, and the fact that many of us don't realize until late in the game how fragile our fertility is, I couldn't do this topic justice on the website and in our networking events without our Choice Mom fertility experts.

How do you deal with your jealousy about other pregnancies and families...or judgment from others about your own? This podcast will help.

When you are feeling isolated, angry, depressed or confused about the Choice Mom path, the discussion boards have become a good place to vent and share. But sometimes we need someone who not only understands the Thinking to Being stages, but is specifically trained to talk with us about our emotions.

The American Fertility Association has a good overview of states in the U.S. where gays and lesbians are welcome.

These mental health therapists have an interest in working with single women about grief, fertility, adoption, and other aspects of the Choice Mom journey. They have been recommended by Choice Moms.

There is nothing that prompts more questions on Choice Mom discussion boards than when a single woman is purposely trying to conceive. We quickly learn how little we know about something we've been taught can be so easy. The Choice Mom Guide to Fertility gathers the most common questions and answers them, with the help of 15 fertility specialists we interviewed specifically for this book.

In National Adoption Month I want to share some of the stories of single women who have become mothers because of adoption.

Many Choice Moms-in-the-making are dismayed to learn later in the game that they suffer from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), which is one of the leading factors of female infertility. PCOS affects approximately 1 in every 10 women, and of those, about 45 percent experience fertility challenges.

Miscarriages are more common than we realize. Often women deal with their grief alone -- and wonder whether there was something they could have done to change the outcome. We asked San Francisco-based Choice Mom sponsor Laurel Fertility Care to explain why miscarriages happen, and how age factors in.

It's hard for self-sufficient women to ask for help -- or even acknowledge to ourselves that we need it. But we do. Even more than we care to admit, because we tend to be so hard on ourselves. This month I'm thinking about the kinds of support Choice Moms need, and how we can get and give it as a community.

Of the hundreds of stories I've heard from Choice Moms over the years, one of the most common threads I've heard in hindsight is "I wish I hadn't waited so long."

It is more important to start your donor search with selection of the right sperm bank, before identifying donor characteristics. Arm yourself with this checklist of questions to begin the process.

I recently discovered the book "DailyOM: Inspirational Thoughts for a Happy, Healthy and Fulfilling Day." It is a great compilation of short philosophical insights from Madisyn Taylor, co-founder with her husband of the DailyOm website, including:

Egg and sperm donor banks must adhere to certain safety standards, related to infectious disease testing. However, the donors themselves are not required to have genetic testing. That's why it's important for you to know the standards of the bank you want to work with -- and know what questions to ask.

Choice Mom Deb suggested this fun idea, in the vein of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..." We're now creating our own list for "You Know You Might Be a Choice Mom If..." She got us started.

One of the best gifts of Choice Mom networking events is when small groups of women on similar paths find each other to discuss their joys and concerns. Here's what women in the Trying stage talked about with counselor Krista Post.

One advantage of sperm donor conception is that you are looking at your eggs and a donor's sperm much more scientifically than if you were conceiving with a man you fell in love with. That means you have tools at your disposal to prevent potential medical problems for your child. Your sperm bank might have evaluated your donor’s family history, but have you had yours evaluated as well?

If you need to get creative about finding ways to pay for fertility treatments, here are a few tips from Choice Mom-friendly Laurel Fertility Care (San Fran):

When we are actively TRYING to conceive, it's amazing how uninformed we can feel about figuring out WHEN during the month is the optimal time to make the insemination attempt. Here from Choice Mom-friendly Laurel Fertility Care (San Francisco Area) are six tips for detecting your ovulation.

After you've learned about how to detect your ovulation, the next best thing would be to find out how the ovulation predictor products rate, from other women on the Choice Mom path.

It can seem off-putting when your fertility doctor asks you to do a psychological evaluation before embarking on Choice Motherhood. But it's common at many clinics.

Karen offered this up on the discussion board. "After my 3-year-old god-daughter ran around the sushi bar last night repeating "sperm" and NOT using her indoor voice, I came up with these code phrases to talk about donor insemination:

Here is good reading material to keep you company as you journey through the Trying and Waiting stages of Choice Motherhood:

Fertility Authority asked me to write an ongoing blog for the single parent community on its amazing website for people undergoing fertility treatment. Check out these posts:

Nothing seems lonelier than coping with a pregnancy loss on your own. This audio clip will help explain why it happens.

Perhaps the most common frustration expressed on the Choice Mom discussion board is the single woman who, in hindsight, wished she had started earlier to explore and use her own fertility. We tend to presume that if we have regular periods, are in good health, and are paying for costly insemination attempts with a doctor that conception will happen easily.

A fight broke out in the Choice Mom community when the subject of gender selection came up. When so many people are longing to have a child, being disappointed about having one gender over another seems indulgent to some. But it is common to have a vision about which sex you'll be raising.

If you are considering building a transracial family, ask yourself these questions (as prepared by Children's Home Society and Family Services):