Welcome to the Waiting Room

Lately I have been hearing from women who would love for me to return to creating new podcasts. I took 2011 off from the work, but hope to return this year with new shows -- and perhaps a webinar series! I currently have 46 shows available, with more than 39,000 downloads. Here's what's available.

After waiting over a year for my adoption to finalize, I’ve accepted that I will never become a mother
through my current adoption program. I’ve learned a lot hard lessons along the way. The only
redeeming feature of my journey? The chance to tell others how to avoid a similar fate. If you are
considering adoption, here is what I've learned:

This funny compilation was started on the Choice Mom discussion group, where women have been periodically posting their own moments.

On our yahoo discussion group for Choice Moms on the journey after the age of 40, a woman asked for stories of hope from others who had paid that kind of money, at that age, and found success.

Once upon a time we all think we know how our lives will turn out. Then, bit by bit, year by year, we discover that we don't have quite as much control over that as we think we do. Some control, yes. But sometimes the control we have about our destiny has more to do with perspective than actual wish fulfillment.

This profile submitted by a woman who started with IUI at age 37, and spent three years trying to conceive -- including five IVF cycles with her own eggs, and three IVF cycles with donor eggs, and a miscarriage. Her twin boys were born in March 2011.

If you live on the East Coast, from Virginia to Toronto and Maine, in an open environment that would be a good temporary home for New York City children, consider participating as a host with Fresh Air Fund this summer.

Long-time midwife, and Choice Mom, Michelle Brechon can be found through this website.

Some time ago, researchers at the University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom did a first-ever large-scale survey of Choice Moms to learn more about who we are. Now they have a new online survey for us to take part in.

This Mother's Day weekend I'm contemplating the good, the bad, and the ugly of Choice Motherhood.

Any of you who have been following Choice Mom resources over the years is likely acquainted with Cathi. She found the humor in the stress of trying to self-inseminate, in learning about her own fertility, in being pregnant, in being the mom of a newborn, and now in being simply, joyfully, Mom. Here is her story in a nutshell.

Our recent event in Philadelphia owed a lot to Diane, who convinced me of the need to host a Choice Mom networking event there this year. Then she set about turning the wheels to help make it happen. She'll continue turning the wheels for the local women.

Two women from our 2010 Austin event have emerged to keep the conversations happening and the resources shared in that part of the U.S. Here's the story of one of them.

"Women trying to conceive often forget the importance of taking care of themselves," said Dr. Lee Kao, of San Francisco-based Laurel Fertility Care. "We often see patients who are so focused on caring for everything else that they actually decrease their success by not focusing on themselves first."

As we continue our look this month into alternatives to the "traditional" IUI route for Choice Moms, here are some great resources.

Curious about how many of us are in the Thinking, Trying or Mom stages? Here are the results of a recently closed Choice Mom survey.

We all think we know how our cycle works. Until it's time to time ourselves for the purpose of insemination.

As we continue our look this month into alternatives to IUIs for women, I wanted to share this story of a Choice Mom I know who is meeting her third daughter today in China.

As we develop more (largely FREE!) e-books and other special guides for the Choice Mom community, I thought this would be a good place to list everything so far available. This list will grow, so keep checking back.

Back in August 2010, two wonderful colleagues talked with each other in a radio show about moving beyond the "simple" conception options to surrogacy, adoption, embryo donation, egg donation and more. Here are highlights, and a direct link to the show.

I have three requests in my Inbox, two of them quite unusual. Two of them for media-related projects. One related to a known donor for the San Fran area.

I'd like to refresh this "blog of blogs" and encourage anyone who is writing about her Choice Mom journey to include a link to it in the Comments field below.

From new Choice Mom-friendly estate planner Chris Tymchuck, of Unique Family Law: When we saw a man on the side of the road asking for money, my 3-year-old daughter asked, "what is he doing with that sign?" I braced myself for a difficult conversation.

We kick off our March focus on "conscious conversations" with this wonderful response by CNN's Jessica Ravitz to a Huffington Post commentary speculating why women like us are not married.

One of the hardest things I struggle with is finding balance.

A woman on the discussion board wondered what to pack for delivery at the hospital. Here's what Lily recommended:

Three noteworthy news items to share with you this week....

As we were driving through yet another snowstorm in Minneapolis the other day, so I could get my 11-year-old daughter to a birthday party, she suggested I get a husband.

Here's the article about Choice Motherhood in the newly published Los Angeles-based Jewish Journal. My thanks to the Choice Moms here who volunteered to share their stories.

I'm very happy to report that 30 Welcome Kits went out to new Choice Moms last week. This is a special new perk to the Choice Mom community, which includes...

I wrote a few months ago, when I was starting my Thinking journey. I think I wrote because, as a Thinker, I needed to make contact with someone.

My youngest turned 7 the other day. That means we're about to do his flower, representing the important people in his life right now. It's a favorite new tradition we created when the "family tree" assignments started five years ago, when my daughter was his age.

This new-and-improved website has been in operation now for nearly a year. I'd like to share some interesting new data about where we tend to be living, the stages we are in, and what we prefer to read on this website.

I started thinking about becoming a Choice Mom three years ago, when I was 34.

Writes Valerie: "I've been at a bus stop for a month now.

This woman is doing a potential TV documentary about Choice Motherhood and is looking for interviewees, ideally in the San Francisco area.

This list was offered by Carrie Crompton at Cultural Care Au Pair, who is offering a great $500 discount to the Choice Mom community.

Two years ago a woman on the Choice Mom discussion board wrote about the anger she was feeling about having to make the choice to become a single mother. By serendipity, I went looking for her on this New Year's Day, and discovered she hasn't posted since. As we usher in the new year, I wonder how many women have resolved certain emotions...and how many are stuck? I thought it was a great way to lead off conversation in 2011.

Here it is! For a limited time, the special new baby for our Choice Mom community. Our Choice of ChoiceMoms.org tips from 2010, featuring everything from Organization to Building a Support Network, Q&A to Commentary.

My favorite part of this website and the Choice Mom networking events are the opportunities to learn the stories of others in our community. Here is a compilation of some of the best stories of 2010.

This arrived as a comment to another post, and I thought it was a great conversation starter as a blog. "As a Thinker I tend to over-think everything. I believe learning to ask for help is a good philosophy for life. But what if all your plans fail and you have to do it ALL alone?

Consider supporting the work that goes into this website by using any of these affiliated marketing partners (Legos, Orbitz, Nick Jr., storybook publisher, etc.), who are offering the Choice Mom community these special deals:

I went to a talk by a well-respected neighbor of mine, Dan Buettner, whose latest book, Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way, is about tips he gleaned from worldwide research, database correlations, and conversations with individuals in the happiest cities in the world.

It is always surprising to me how often I seem to be in a state of revising my plans. I meant to grow up, meet my prince, get married and have kids. I really did. It just didn't work out that way.

I submitted my application to adopt a child from Russia on or about December 29, 2004. I spent much of the next year engaged in the paper chase, trying to get documents signed, notarized, and submitted before the Russian government could changes the rules.

I've been reminded in the last week just how fragile life is. A Choice Mom friend unexpectedly lost her younger sister last week -- a mother of three -- in a tragic accident. And a neighbor couple are BOTH battling cancer, one of them terminal, with 7- and 9-year old daughters at home.

Our Choice Mom-friendly therapist Patricia Mendell let us know about a special event this weekend in NYC for families (single and married) built through donor conception. There is also a second note here about her telephone group discussion this week on talking about donor conception.

I've been hearing from more Choice Moms of twins lately, and it reminds me that we need to offer more on this website for single moms with multiples.

Some years ago I had the pleasure of meeting Dan Buettner, a noted explorer with a special interest in healthy living and a particular gift for making things happen.

Thanks to partnerships with Choice Mom sponsors, starting in 2011 we will be able to send Welcome packages to new and expecting moms who are delivering or adopting.

Our first networking event of 2011 will be held near Raleigh, North Carolina, at The Umstead Hotel and Spa in Cary. Only three seats remain! Registration ends Wednesday, March 16.

A woman on the Choice Mom Facebook group page wondered which kind of childbirthing class she should consider. Your suggestions?

There are 20 major markets where Choice Moms live. There are Choice Moms everywhere, of course, but I'm focusing on 20 communities where this website gets the most traffic from single women. I'm building resource guides for the cities listed below, with your help.

How do you deal with your jealousy about other pregnancies and families...or judgment from others about your own? This podcast will help.

When you are feeling isolated, angry, depressed or confused about the Choice Mom path, the discussion boards have become a good place to vent and share. But sometimes we need someone who not only understands the Thinking to Being stages, but is specifically trained to talk with us about our emotions.

Pre-eclampsia leads to high blood pressure and swelling during pregnancy. I had a friend who suffered from it, and it wasn't pretty. Pregnancy nutrition is an important part of avoiding it.

We hear so much about the agonizing two week-wait process for women trying to conceive. But what about the agonizing wait to hear whether you've successfully passed all the steps involved in an adoption?

Many Choice Moms make a firmer commitment to organic living after they become moms. If you want to start by using cloth diapers, here are tips from an expert.

I am frequently asked by reporters how big the Choice Mom community is. While there is no census-taking data that reveals the answer, I can use our discussion boards as a way to gauge growth -- and the types of things we are most interested in talking about.

This priceless -- and honest -- gem from Cathi about new motherhood comes from the archives of the Choice Moms blog, and I wanted to re-offer it to our new moms.

So many of us "wait" to have that first baby until we have a certain amount of money in savings or until school loans are paid off or until we have a bigger house. Whatever the reason, most often those are superficial reasons and if we "wait" for these things to happen, that baby doesn’t come!

My favorite connection to see at Choice Mom networking events is when our experienced moms can reassure the pregnant and newborn moms that "everything is going to be all right." I started collecting tips on how to deal with the logistics of newborn days after three women in my local area had babies within a week.

A woman on the discussion board reported that she'd found a doula she loves...but the doula has some specific requests she's not comfortable with. She asked women in the community for their input.

Are you a Toronto-area woman in debt because of fertility treatments and/or pending newborn? Are you on the Choice Mom path anywhere in the world and want to get out of debt? Then read this....

Now that I’m getting really close to D-Day (supposedly less than six weeks, which is just totally unimaginable after a lifetime of waiting), I am finding myself more and more irritable rather than excited. I’ve heard that there are women out there who just love being pregnant, that they glow and bond and gain three pounds and have amazing hair. I am not one of those women.

When you are preparing to deliver a child on your own, finding the right pre- and post-partum doula can be vital to a Choice Mom. Listen to this podcast about finding the right one for you. Read more about doulas on this website. And recommend yours here in the comments field.

A woman who is preparing to write about the Choice Motherhood lifestyle in a community that doesn't think single parenting is such a good thing asked me to offer some resources. I realized that many of you might benefit from some of it, in your own conversations with others.

Are you struggling (alone) with the weight of deciding whether to persevere with costly fertility treatments? There are mental health counselors who specialize in the fertility industry who are here to help you. This is great, detailed advice from one of them.

After I became a mother to Sophia back in 1999, I ended up unexpectedly creating a less stressful and healthier lifestyle. Partly this was because I didn't have time to work 60-hour work weeks -- and didn't want to. But also because I wanted to instill better habits in my child so she would eventually live a healthy lifestyle.

The topic of using estate plan templates -- kits with fill-in-the-blank options about guardianship and will issues -- came up among a group of single mothers by choice recently. A Choice Mom and attorney in the group offered her insight.

A woman on the Choice Mom discussion board admitted that now that she had finally been able to conceive she was filled with worry about having a healthy pregnancy. This is not an uncommon reaction. I asked Joann Galst, a long-time adviser to the Choice Mom community and a New York City-based therapist, to respond.

By now I hope you've had a chance to explore the "support_network" keyword on ChoiceMoms.org, because I think this is the most important and valuable information any parent needs. But if you haven't seen everything we've offered here from fellow moms and experts, here's a shortlist of some of my favorite items in it.

When I lived in my one bedroom floor-through apartment in New York City with my young daughter, I did start to feel overrun in that first year by the THINGS she needed. I was frugal, but still had the diaper pail, stroller, Baby Bjorn, exersaucer, 3-in-1 travel crib (used everyday), and a growing collection of plastic chewy items. So it was no surprise when the organizing experts at the New York City Choice Mom event drew a crowd.

I've become acquainted with the very interesting work and brain of Harvard professor Steven Pinker, and have been reading his 2002 book "The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature." So it was with pleasure that I read (pages 398-399) some of his thoughts on the nature vs. nurture debate as it relates to how we raise our children.

After a single dad wrote in who was feeling isolated with his young child, ChoiceMom.org readers chimed in with their own insights. One of the comments was about something we've talked about here before -- your support network often won't be what you expect it will be -- and is worthy of new discussion here.

This excellent Choice Mom-in-the-making blog and post came to my attention when the author, Shannon, posted it on the discussion board. Anyone in the trying-to-conceive stage should read it.

submitted by Lori
Will you ever have to prove your donor child doesn’t have a father? When I gave birth to my daughter via anonymous donor IUI in 1999, I hoped that the information regarding her father would be left blank on her birth certificate.

Thanks to Jessica for suggesting this Dixie Chicks song for anyone in the Choice Mom community looking for inspirational music about becoming a single mother.

There are many things I like about Stacey MacGlashan's Choice Mom memoir "Just you and me, kid." One of them is the wonderful, honest detail she offers about the delivery process.

"Even the most independent or progressive among us didn't play house without at least going through the motions of assigning someone the dad role...Our childhood fairy tale fantasies involved Prince Charming and happily ever after, not donor number 5931...and a brief encounter with a syringe."

It's hard for self-sufficient women to ask for help -- or even acknowledge to ourselves that we need it. But we do. Even more than we care to admit, because we tend to be so hard on ourselves. This month I'm thinking about the kinds of support Choice Moms need, and how we can get and give it as a community.

We recently read about Diana's decision NOT to become a Choice Mom. Here is Part 2 of her story, when she decides to move into the Trying stage after all.

While in London I had the pleasure of meeting a woman at the Choice Mom gathering who told me about how she had decided some time ago that she definitely would not become a single mom -- partly after reading my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book. 18 months later, however, she's back on the path. I asked her to share her story about the thinking process.

Thanks to the generosity of Choice Mom Emily, I've been able to spend a wonderful 10-day holiday in London with my kids and parents. While here I met in Coram's Field with 14 women, including Moms, Thinkers and Tryers from Belfast, Dublin, Belgium and many others in the United Kingdom. I also met with a large group of Ph.D. students in Cambridge, who were interested in the Choice Mom story.

At the Choice Moms networking event in D.C., Birthing Hands doula Claudia Booker offered many great tips for women about how to build a support network. She reiterated the importance of preparing for this well before the baby arrives. Some of her suggestions:

Of the hundreds of stories I've heard from Choice Moms over the years, one of the most common threads I've heard in hindsight is "I wish I hadn't waited so long."

A woman on the Alternatives to Marriage Project Facebook page wrote that she was denied coverage for fertility treatments because she isn't married. She's on the Choice Mom path. Let's weigh in on which insurance companies do a better job of coverage.

I recently discovered the book "DailyOM: Inspirational Thoughts for a Happy, Healthy and Fulfilling Day." It is a great compilation of short philosophical insights from Madisyn Taylor, co-founder with her husband of the DailyOm website, including:

Choice Mom Deb suggested this fun idea, in the vein of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..." We're now creating our own list for "You Know You Might Be a Choice Mom If..." She got us started.

One of the best gifts of Choice Mom networking events is when small groups of women on similar paths find each other to discuss their joys and concerns. Here's what women in the Trying stage talked about with counselor Krista Post.

It is important for a sleep-deprived mother to know where things are. Because when you and baby are struggling to keep nights and days straight, the last thing you need is to find out at midnight that you are out of baby Tylenol or wipes. And keeping the diaper bag packed with everything you need for three hours of errands is easier when you haven't just spent half hour looking for your keys.

This collection of journal entries during the 2ww process was submitted by Jenn.
Day 1
This is the first day of my third 2ww. My first two IVF cycles failed. The first one was with my then husband, and I was so stressed out. I got OHSS. It was the summer of 2006. I got upset at him for every little thing, some things littler than others, and the schedule was difficult because we needed to move 1000 miles away between the retrieval and the transfer.

At the San Francisco event, organizational specialist Kim Guay of A Clear Vision Organizing offered these tips for getting ready for parenthood.

We all want to live healthier lives, especially when we are getting nutritionally in shape for pregnancy, or after we become moms. At the Minnesota event in April 2010, I had the pleasure of working with sponsor Laura Bonicelli, whose Solo by Bonicelli company offers gourmet delivery and food prep services.

I recently discovered a great book by Kara Stefan titled "Head of Household: Money Management for Single Parents." It covers budgeting, childcare, credit, healthcare, housing, insurance and more.

At the recent San Francisco event -- as was the case in Austin and Atlanta -- women spoke to me individually, or with the group, about the intense emotions they felt in not being able to yet BECOME Choice Moms.

When we are trying to conceive, or keep up with our children, we often take a closer look at how to improve our health and vitality. Here are tips from Natural Health and Fertility Center, as offered at the first-ever Choice Moms Expo in Minneapolis.

A woman wrote to say that her friends were sharing the news of her Choice pregnancy with others, including the fact that she conceived with an anonymous sperm donor, even though she asked them not to. She turned to the community to get advice.

I know many Choice Moms (myself included) who are slowly attempting to bring more organic into our lives now that we are moms. To that end, I'd like to use this space for a new category on ChoiceMoms.org: organic living. (Keyword: organic)

Thanks to Choice Mom-in-the-making Soni for bringing this wonderfully humorous music video to my attention for all the pregnant women.

This is a wonderful list of resources from Nurse Practitioners for any woman who is trying to conceive, from keeping track of period dates to taking an "Am I Pregnant?" quiz...to baby name sites...to prenatal care info...

After a Choice Mom died in her third trimester, leaving a son born posthumously, we became more aware of the importance of having an estate plan in place -- as this Choice Mom had done -- even BEFORE we conceive or adopt.

A majority of families using donor conception do not report births after the fact. This has a tremendous impact on the industry. The numbers of offspring born to a sperm donor, and even to egg donors, are generally vastly under-reported. If there is a genetic abnormality that surfaces in later years, families cannot be notified.

Karen offered this up on the discussion board. "After my 3-year-old god-daughter ran around the sushi bar last night repeating "sperm" and NOT using her indoor voice, I came up with these code phrases to talk about donor insemination:

Here is good reading material to keep you company as you journey through the Trying and Waiting stages of Choice Motherhood:

The Pea in the Podcast is one of the best I've seen for women in the waiting-to-deliver room.

While you're waiting to deliver, listen to this 13-minute interview with Dr. Charles Sims about the benefits of cord blood banking.

One typical question asked on the Choice Mom discussion board is, what do I need to have on hand for my newborn? The responses have been numerous over time, so there are two compilations on this website about product recommendations from the Choice Mom community. This page is actual brand suggestions of certain products and tips that were recommended by Choice Moms. Below are the responses many Choice Moms have made about what was essential, and what was not, for their newborn.

After 5 failed IUIs, before conceiving and giving birth to her son, Barb offered this advice to fellow Choice Moms in the book "Choice Mom Guide to Fertility":

These methods have helped us get through the agonizing two week wait process:

It's hard to find baby books that don't have the obligatory "how I met your dad" and two-sided family tree chart to fill in. But there are options. Here are some of them.